Category: Top

I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

| Urbana, IL, USA | Top

Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

Me: “$229, sir.”

Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the internet, right?”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “How does it get the internet without any wires?”

Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any wi-fi netwo-”

Customer: “WHOA! Wi-fi? I can’t use wi-fi!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

Me: “…no?”

Customer: “Wi-fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our wi-fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

(He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

Me: “Oh…OK…”

Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

(He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light’, while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

Me: “…cool…”

Customer: “YEAH IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

Me: “Um…yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then, is there anything else you need help with?”

Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

Me: “…”

Who’s Got The Power Now, Part 2

| Auckland, New Zealand | Top

Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says, put my f***ing power on!”

Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.”

Caller: “Why are you being a b**** about this? Just let it slide!”

Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.”

Caller: “F*** you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!”

Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.”

Caller: *click*

Related: Who’s Got The Power Now

Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear

| Alberta, Canada | Top

(This guy called in and got the wrong department, and the correct department was in another city, or perhaps country.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–”

Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.”

Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–”

Customer: “Stop interrupting me!”

Me: “I… I’m not–”

Customer: “Yes you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?”

Me: “I’m not sure what–”

Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over’. Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over’, and I can talk.”

Me: “I’m not really sure that’s nessec–”

Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.”

Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access Prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.”

Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.”

(There is a long pause.)

Customer: “…hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!”

Me: “…you didn’t say ‘over’.”

May We Suggest Hoobastink and Led Hindenburg

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Top

(I overhear this odd exchange while shopping at a local used music store. It takes place between the clerk and a woman with a heavy accent.)

Customer: “I am looking for a CD of band called Wet Noodle.”

Clerk:Wet Noodle? I don’t think we have anything like…”

Customer: “You have it! My grandson says he wants the CD of band Wet Noodle!”

(The clerk searches for the band on his computer, to no avail.)

Clerk: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any record of any products by a bad called Wet Noodle.”

(I put one and one together and interject.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you mean Limp Bizkit?”

Customer: “Yes! Some band like Wet Noodle or Limp Bizkit or some food!”

(The clerk gets the CDs for the lady, finishes her transaction and then turns to me.)

Clerk, to me: “I’m giving you every discount I know of.”

No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring…

| Peterborough, Ontario, Canada | Top

(This happened on my first day of the job.)

Me: “Welcome to [grocery store].”

Customer: “Take off your glasses.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!”

Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.”

Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–”

Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.”

Customer: “All right, ring these up.”

(Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.)

Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.”

Me: “I know, let me just–”

Customer:Peaches! Come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.”

Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–”

Customer: “THESE. ARE. PEACCHEESSSS!”

(He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, then he runs out of the store.)

Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…”

Me: “…”

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