November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Top

I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

| Urbana, IL, USA | Top

Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

Me: “$229, sir.”

Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the internet, right?”

Me: “That’s correct.”

Customer: “How does it get the internet without any wires?”

Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any wi-fi netwo-”

Customer: “WHOA! Wi-fi? I can’t use wi-fi!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

Me: “…no?”

Customer: “Wi-fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our wi-fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

(He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

Me: “Oh…OK…”

Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

(He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light’, while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

Me: “…cool…”

Customer: “YEAH IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

Me: “Um…yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then, is there anything else you need help with?”

Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

Me: “…”

Who’s Got The Power Now, Part 2

| Auckland, New Zealand | Top

Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says, put my f***ing power on!”

Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.”

Caller: “Why are you being a b**** about this? Just let it slide!”

Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.”

Caller: “F*** you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!”

Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.”

Caller: *click*

Related: Who’s Got The Power Now

Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear

| Alberta, Canada | Top

(This guy called in and got the wrong department, and the correct department was in another city, or perhaps country.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–”

Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.”

Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–”

Customer: “Stop interrupting me!”

Me: “I… I’m not–”

Customer: “Yes you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?”

Me: “I’m not sure what–”

Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over’. Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over’, and I can talk.”

Me: “I’m not really sure that’s nessec–”

Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.”

Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access Prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.”

Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.”

(There is a long pause.)

Customer: “…hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!”

Me: “…you didn’t say ‘over’.”

May We Suggest Hoobastink and Led Hindenburg

| Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Top

(I overhear this odd exchange while shopping at a local used music store. It takes place between the clerk and a woman with a heavy accent.)

Customer: “I am looking for a CD of band called Wet Noodle.”

Clerk:Wet Noodle? I don’t think we have anything like…”

Customer: “You have it! My grandson says he wants the CD of band Wet Noodle!”

(The clerk searches for the band on his computer, to no avail.)

Clerk: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any record of any products by a bad called Wet Noodle.”

(I put one and one together and interject.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you mean Limp Bizkit?”

Customer: “Yes! Some band like Wet Noodle or Limp Bizkit or some food!”

(The clerk gets the CDs for the lady, finishes her transaction and then turns to me.)

Clerk, to me: “I’m giving you every discount I know of.”

No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring…

| Peterborough, Ontario, Canada | Top

(This happened on my first day of the job.)

Me: “Welcome to [grocery store].”

Customer: “Take off your glasses.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!”

Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.”

Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–”

Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.”

Customer: “All right, ring these up.”

(Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.)

Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.”

Me: “I know, let me just–”

Customer:Peaches! Come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.”

Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–”


(He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, then he runs out of the store.)

Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…”

Me: “…”