October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Top

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Customer Scorned

Oregon, USA | Top

Me: *on the phone* “Thanks for calling **** Networks, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I already called once today – I want you to stop sending me emails!”

Me: “You’re getting emails from us? What do they say?”

Caller: “It’s a bunch of delivery failure messages. I’ve gotten two thousand of them today, and I want you to fix it NOW!”

(I start explaining how spammers forge emails, causing these kinds of delivery failure messages, and I begin to offer a workaround.)

Caller: “NO! Stop bulls****ing me, just fix it NOW!”

Me: “I’m trying to tell you that it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anyth–”

Caller: “HEY! Can I just say something? I know a lot of stuff, and I know you can fix this, so JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Well, it’s…”

Caller: “JUST FIX IT! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Caller: “Mr. Dumas! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?!”

Me: “Is that a pun?”

Caller: “Yes, and you’re a f***ing idiot! If you had half a brain, you’d be smart! So are you going to fix it or not?”

Me: “Sure.”

Caller: “Well, seeing as how you never asked for my name, I think you’re just trying to blow me off!”

Me: “As I said, it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anything…”

Caller: “Do you know who I am?!”

Me: “No, you never told me your name.”

Caller: “That’s right! And I’m not going to! I’m going to keep calling and wasting your time like you’ve wasted mine! I bet you could have handled 5 customers in the time we’ve been on the phone!”

Me: “Yes, you’re probably right.”

Caller: “Well, I’m just going to keep calling!”

Me: “Who will that benefit?”

Caller: “ME!”

Me: “How?”

Caller: “VENGEANCE!”

Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

| Germany | Top

Me: “This is ***, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

Caller: “So I don’t have to appear there?”

Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to’. But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

Caller: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

Caller: “No, I won’t.”

Me: “Okay, very well then. Thanks for the call.”

Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

Preserving Life, 1-Up At A Time

, | California, USA | Top

(Note: Pokemon is a game with various creatures that simulate animals in it. When a Pokemon has no hit points, or HP, is is considered “fainted.” Many mistake this for something serious, but it is easily remedied by healing your Pokemon in a specific building.)

Customer: *storms up to desk* “I DEMAND A REFUND!”

(She slams a copy of Pokemon Platinum on the counter.)

Me: “Certainly, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “My freaking fire monkey DIED! See?”

(She pulls the DS from her pocket, turns it on, enters game, and shows me that her Pokemon [a chimchar] has no HP.)

Me: “Well, I can…erm…revive your ‘fire monkey’ if you’d like.”

Customer: “What are you, some freaking Pokemon priest?! MY FIRE MONKEY IS DEAD!”

Me: “No, no, look.”

(I control her character to go to a Pokemon Center and heal up her Pokemon.)

Me: “There, all better.”


Me: “Um…no problem, ma’am. Glad to help.”

Customer: “AND SO HUMBLE! YOU SAVED MY FIRE MONKEY!” *leaves store*

Pinheaded, Part 2

| Massachusetts, USA | Top

(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed, don’t shoot”. As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

(I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

Member: “Are you ok?”

Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital, it hit my good kidney.”

Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**hole! Now move so I can putt!”

(I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

(They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

Member: “Him.”

Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

Superintendent: “You’re a f***ing idiot!”

(I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee as well as his $15,000 yearly dues were not refunded.)

Related: PINheaded

Unbearably Bad Ideas

| Jasper, AB, Canada | Top

(Note: I worked in a resort over the summer as a concierge.)

Tourist: “Can we see any wildlife in the area, you know, by the side of the road?”

Me: “Sure, we routinely see elk, deer, mountain goats and bighorn sheep. I’ve seen a couple wolves too, and we get a lot of bears.”

Tourist: “Oh! Can we feed the bears?”

Me: “No, sir, the bears are wild bears. They are extremely dangerous and you should never approach any wild animal. Just stay in your car, with the windows up, and you’ll be fine.”

Tourist: “Oh… can we send our kids to play with the bears?”

Me: “That would be ‘feeding the bears,’ sir…”

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