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    Category: Top

    Jurassic Farce

    | Florida, USA | Top

    Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

    Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

    Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

    Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

    Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

    Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

    (I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

    Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

    Customer: “OH NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

    (I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)

    The Fine Art Of Firing A Customer

    | Fremont, CA, USA | Top

    (A friend of mine who manages a self storage facility has a troublemaking customer that he has been trying to get rid of. One day, the customer comes up asking about a promotional offer.)

    Customer: “Hi, I saw on your website that you have storage for $100, but I’m paying $130.”

    Manager: “Yeah, that’s a promotional rate.”

    Customer: “Well, can I get that rate?”

    Manager: “I can’t just change people’s rates. It’s only for new customers to that space.”

    Customer: “Well, can I just move into that storage?”

    Manager: “You can’t just move it from one storage to the other and get the new rate. You would have to have everything out because I can’t vacate it until it’s empty.”

    Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll move this Saturday.”

    (The customer moves out the following Saturday, gets everything loaded into their truck then stops by the office.)

    Customer: “Alright, I moved everything out of my storage.”

    Manager: “That’s great. Now, get out.”

    Customer: “What? Can I get that other storage?”

    Manager: “Well, I looked at your past history with the company and you’ve been consistently late and rude to other customers. I’m afraid we’re going to deny the new rental. My manager wouldn’t let me evict you but you moved out yourself, so everything’s good.”

    Customer: “But I have all my things taken off the property! Where am I going to put them?”

    Manager: “Anywhere but here.”

    Driving Miss Crazy

    | Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Top

    (I was coming home on the bus and overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and the bus driver.)

    Lady: “Oof! Do you mind?! You’re so awful!”

    Bus Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am? What’s the problem?”

    Lady: “You keep starting and stopping the bus! I keep falling forward and backward, and it’s taking so long for me to get home. It’s getting dark!”

    Bus Driver: “Well, I’m sorry ma’am – I have to stop at the designated stops.”

    Lady: “Stop making excuses! There’s no reason to be doing this. Just ignore the stops!”

    Bus Driver: “So you want me to ignore all the other people wanting to get on the bus?”

    Lady: “Well, yes! Finally you understand! You can go back afterwards and get them! Is it so much to ask for good help anymore?!”

    Maybe He’s Molting

    | Springfield, VA, USA | Top

    (Many young couples with young children belong to my pool, and many of them ask a lot of questions. A man leads his 6-year-old son into our guard office.)

    Pool patron: “Excuse me, ma’am?”

    Me: “Yes sir? Can I help you?”

    Pool patron: “I’m very scared my son is in trouble.”

    Me: “Is he okay? Did he hurt himself in the pool? Are there any major injuries?”

    Pool patron: “His skin is all wrinkled and soft. It feels strange. Is it going to fall off?”

    Me: “Sir, that happens to everyone’s skin who has been in water for an extended period of time.”

    Pool patron: “So his skin won’t fall off, right?”

    Extreme Primate Refereeing

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Top

    (I work at a snack cart across from the gorilla enclosure. A woman walks up to me and this conversation ensued.)

    Customer: “Look! Look! The gorillas are fighting!”

    Me: “No, they just rough-house like that about this time every day.”

    Customer: “No, that’s fighting, someone’s going to get hurt.”

    Me: “Ma’am, seriously, that’s how they play.”

    Customer: “That’s a fight! Stop them! Right now! It’s a bad example for the children.”

    Me: “Stop them…how?”

    Customer: “Get in there and make them cut it out right now!”

    Me: *staring at her while other customers in line laugh*

    Customer: *stomping off* “I’m telling your boss you won’t stop that violence!”

    Next customer in line: “So you’re in charge of gorillas AND churros, huh?”

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