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    Category: Top

    Pinheaded, Part 2

    | Massachusetts, USA | Top

    (I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed, don’t shoot”. As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

    Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

    (I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

    Member: “Are you ok?”

    Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital, it hit my good kidney.”

    Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

    Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

    Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**hole! Now move so I can putt!”

    (I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

    Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

    Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

    (They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

    EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

    Member: “Him.”

    Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

    Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

    Superintendent: “You’re a f***ing idiot!”

    (I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee as well as his $15,000 yearly dues were not refunded.)

    Related: PINheaded

    Unbearably Bad Ideas

    | Jasper, AB, Canada | Top

    (Note: I worked in a resort over the summer as a concierge.)

    Tourist: “Can we see any wildlife in the area, you know, by the side of the road?”

    Me: “Sure, we routinely see elk, deer, mountain goats and bighorn sheep. I’ve seen a couple wolves too, and we get a lot of bears.”

    Tourist: “Oh! Can we feed the bears?”

    Me: “No, sir, the bears are wild bears. They are extremely dangerous and you should never approach any wild animal. Just stay in your car, with the windows up, and you’ll be fine.”

    Tourist: “Oh… can we send our kids to play with the bears?”

    Me: “That would be ‘feeding the bears,’ sir…”

    I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

    | Urbana, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

    Me: “$229, sir.”

    Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the internet, right?”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “How does it get the internet without any wires?”

    Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any wi-fi netwo-”

    Customer: “WHOA! Wi-fi? I can’t use wi-fi!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

    Me: “…no?”

    Customer: “Wi-fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our wi-fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

    (He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

    Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

    Me: “Oh…OK…”

    Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

    (He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light’, while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

    Me: “…cool…”

    Customer: “YEAH IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

    Me: “Um…yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then, is there anything else you need help with?”

    Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

    Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

    Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

    Me: “…”

    Who’s Got The Power Now, Part 2

    | Auckland, New Zealand | Top

    Caller: “I don’t care what your little book says, put my f***ing power on!”

    Me: “I can’t do that for you unless you pay your debt in full, sir.”

    Caller: “Why are you being a b**** about this? Just let it slide!”

    Me: “We’ve been letting it slide for months, sir. You now owe us in excess of a thousand dollars. Our rules are very clear: we are not to reconnect your power until you pay your debt.”

    Caller: “F*** you! I’m going to kill you! I’m going to come to your house and kill you!”

    Me: “The difference between you and me, sir, is that I know where YOU live.”

    Caller: *click*

    Related: Who’s Got The Power Now

    Insanity Comes Through Loud And Clear

    | Alberta, Canada | Top

    (This guy called in and got the wrong department, and the correct department was in another city, or perhaps country.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t access your account from my department. If you’ll let me put you on hold, I’ll transfer you to someone who–”

    Customer: “No! Every time I get put on hold I get dropped.”

    Me: “Well, I can’t help you unless you let me put you–”

    Customer: “Stop interrupting me!”

    Me: “I… I’m not–”

    Customer: “Yes you are! Do we have to start using the over-and-out method?”

    Me: “I’m not sure what–”

    Customer: “After everything I say, I say ‘over’. Then you can talk. Then you say ‘over’, and I can talk.”

    Me: “I’m not really sure that’s nessec–”

    Customer: “Now, I need to put more minutes on my phone. Over.”

    Me: “I’m in the post-paid department and I can’t access Prepaid accounts here. If you’ll let me transfer you I can get someone who can help you. Over.”

    Customer: “No. I refuse to be put on hold. Just get someone to come over and use your phone.”

    (There is a long pause.)

    Customer: “…hello? Are you ignoring me?” *another long pause* “HELLOOOOOO!”

    Me: “…you didn’t say ‘over’.”

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