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    Category: Top

    There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

    | Missouri, USA | Top

    Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

    Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

    Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

    Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

    Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

    Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

    Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

    Love The Art, Hate His Parts

    | Orem, UT, USA | Top

    (A young woman walks up to the registers with a book.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this notebook.”

    Me: “Is there something wrong with it?”

    Customer: “Yes, there’s a naked man on the front cover.”

    Me: “Uh, that’s Leonardo Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.”

    Customer: “He’s naked.”

    Me: “It’s a five hundred-year-old drawing.”

    Customer: *hissing* “HE’S NAKED.”

    Me: “…would you like store credit?”

    For Everything Else, There’s TasterCard

    , | United Kingdom | Top

    Me: “That’s ¬£26.50, please.”

    Customer: “Can I pay by card?”

    Me: “Sure. Please enter your card into the machine, and then put in your pin code.”

    Customer: “Right, are these machines waterproof?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

    Customer: “I wouldn’t get an electric shock from one, would I?”

    Me: “Err, no?”

    (Suddenly, the customer bends his head down and uses his mouth to cover up the keys. He then uses his tongue to try and push down the numbers of his pin code.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop! That’s incredibly unhygenic.”

    Customer: “But it’s the only way to keep it safe!”

    Me: “Have you considered covering the keys with your hand instead of your mouth?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it’s not as safe!”

    Me: “I’m afraid we’re just going to have to risk that. We can’t have you licking our machines.”

    Customer: “Bah!”

    Acute Mental Failure

    | Greenville, SC, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Note: At our hospital, patients are called into private registration rooms where all demographic information is completed.)

    Me: “Come on in and we’ll get your paperwork ready.”

    (The patient enters room and I close the door.)

    Me: “So, how are you?”

    Patient: “…”

    (There are 2 large comfy chairs in front of the patient, but she’s still standing.)

    Me:“Uh…everything ok?”

    Patient: “…”

    Me: “Well, uh, so…what procedure are you having today?”

    Patient: “…”

    Me: “Is that your doctor’s order?”

    Patient: “…”

    (The patient throws the paper at me. It has most of the info I need to register her, so I don’t ask any more questions. After a minute, I have all of her paperwork ready. During this entire time, still hasn’t sat down.)

    Me: “Alright, here is your face sheet. If you’ll go down the hall and hand that to radiology they’ll take care of the rest.”

    Patient: “Let me ask you a question now. Why didn’t you tell me to have a seat? You are the most rude person I have ever met!”

    (She takes her papers and pushes on the door to open it, not realizing she needs to pull.)

    Patient: “Ahhhh! Let me out of here, he’s locked me in! Help, help!”

    (The patient knocks over my computer, flips the chairs and starts throwing stuff at me; I hide under the desk during her rampage. Hearing the commotion, security comes in and the patient runs out of the room and out of the hospital, never to be seen again. Afterwards…)

    Security: “They really should start paying you more.”

    Fairweather Friendships

    | Bend, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

    Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

    Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”