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    Disc Doctor, Not Disc Miracle Worker

    | Erie, PA, USA | Top

    (Our store sells a device called a Disc Doctor; it resurfaces CDs so they can be read again.)

    Caller: “I bought a Disc Doctor and it isn’t working.”

    Manager: “Well, I have one, and they can be difficult at times. Why don’t you tell me what you did, and I’ll try and talk you through it.”

    Caller: “Okay. I sprayed it with the solution and then I put both halves in the tray–”

    Manager: “Wait… did you just say ‘both halves’?”

    Caller: “Yeah, both halves.”

    Manager: “Yeah, that’s not going to work…”

    Too Bad It Doesn’t Run On Stupidity

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Top

    (This was before hybrid cars or electric cars were mainstream. A man called about his Lexus that just stopped working after a few days, so we had it towed back to the dealership.)

    Customer: “I don’t know what happened; the car just stopped while I was driving, and almost caused an accident because of you people!”

    Me: “OK, let’s take a look.”

    (I couldn’t find any obvious issue, and all the free mechanics were giving the car a full once-over, trying to figure out the problem.)

    Customer: “I spent tens of thousands on this car! How the he** can you sell anything that would crap out in 2 days?!”

    (Just then I noticed the gas gauge was on ‘Empty’. I put a little gas in the engine and started it up.)

    Customer: “What?! For that amount of money, with the technologies these days, you still need to use gas?!”

    Hell Hath No Fury Like A Customer Scorned

    | Oregon, USA | Top

    Me: *on the phone* “Thanks for calling **** Networks, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I already called once today – I want you to stop sending me emails!”

    Me: “You’re getting emails from us? What do they say?”

    Caller: “It’s a bunch of delivery failure messages. I’ve gotten two thousand of them today, and I want you to fix it NOW!”

    (I start explaining how spammers forge emails, causing these kinds of delivery failure messages, and I begin to offer a workaround.)

    Caller: “NO! Stop bulls****ing me, just fix it NOW!”

    Me: “I’m trying to tell you that it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anyth–”

    Caller: “HEY! Can I just say something? I know a lot of stuff, and I know you can fix this, so JUST DO IT!”

    Me: “Well, it’s…”

    Caller: “JUST FIX IT! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?”

    Me: “Uh… what?”

    Caller: “Mr. Dumas! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?!”

    Me: “Is that a pun?”

    Caller: “Yes, and you’re a f***ing idiot! If you had half a brain, you’d be smart! So are you going to fix it or not?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Caller: “Well, seeing as how you never asked for my name, I think you’re just trying to blow me off!”

    Me: “As I said, it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anything…”

    Caller: “Do you know who I am?!”

    Me: “No, you never told me your name.”

    Caller: “That’s right! And I’m not going to! I’m going to keep calling and wasting your time like you’ve wasted mine! I bet you could have handled 5 customers in the time we’ve been on the phone!”

    Me: “Yes, you’re probably right.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m just going to keep calling!”

    Me: “Who will that benefit?”

    Caller: “ME!”

    Me: “How?”

    Caller: “VENGEANCE!”

    Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

    | Germany | Top

    Me: “This is ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

    Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

    Caller: “So I don’t have to appear there?”

    Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to’. But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I do.”

    Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

    Caller: “No, I won’t.”

    Me: “Okay, very well then. Thanks for the call.”

    Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

    Preserving Life, 1-Up At A Time

    , | California, USA | Top

    (Note: Pokemon is a game with various creatures that simulate animals in it. When a Pokemon has no hit points, or HP, is is considered “fainted.” Many mistake this for something serious, but it is easily remedied by healing your Pokemon in a specific building.)

    Customer: *storms up to desk* “I DEMAND A REFUND!”

    (She slams a copy of Pokemon Platinum on the counter.)

    Me: “Certainly, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “My freaking fire monkey DIED! See?”

    (She pulls the DS from her pocket, turns it on, enters game, and shows me that her Pokemon [a chimchar] has no HP.)

    Me: “Well, I can…erm…revive your ‘fire monkey’ if you’d like.”

    Customer: “What are you, some freaking Pokemon priest?! MY FIRE MONKEY IS DEAD!”

    Me: “No, no, look.”

    (I control her character to go to a Pokemon Center and heal up her Pokemon.)

    Me: “There, all better.”

    Customer: “THANK YOU! YOU SAVED MY FIRE MONKEY! HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?!”

    Me: “Um…no problem, ma’am. Glad to help.”

    Customer: “AND SO HUMBLE! YOU SAVED MY FIRE MONKEY!” *leaves store*

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