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    Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

    , | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

    Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

    Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

    Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

    Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

    Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

    Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

    Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

    Abandon All Hope, All Ye In Dante’s Diner

    | Sydney, Australia | Top

    (We provide a complimentary bowl of prawn crackers at our restaurant. When I go to take a customers order, I notice he has eaten the entire bowl.)

    Customer: “You know, I’m allergic to MSG. I’ll die immediately if I even eat one milligram.”

    Me: “Those prawn crackers you just ate have MSG in them.”

    Customer: “Oh my God, I’m going to die!”

    (Two hours later, when the bill comes around…)

    Customer: “I don’t think I should pay for the meal. I’m going to die anyway.”

    Me: “Um… yes that will happen eventually, but it’s been two hours and you’re still kicking.”

    Customer: “Maybe I’ve died and we’re all in purgatory? In that case, technically, I haven’t eaten anything.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to pay for your meal.”

    Customer: “Purgatory waitresses aren’t very compassionate, are they?”

    My Biggest And Loudest Fan

    | Florida, USA | Top

    (I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

    Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

    Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

    Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

    Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

    Alumnus: “Well, just in case – SHE’S DOING A GREAT F***ING JOB, BIG BROTHER!”

    Fast Times At Fry Cook High

    , | Ontario, Canada | Top

    Me: “Hi, what can I get you?”

    Teenage girl #1: “Oh my God… like.. could we talk to the cook?”

    Me: “… what?”

    Teenage girl #2: “Yeah. Could you go get him?”

    Me: “Why?”

    Teenage girl #1: “He’s hot.”

    Me: “Alright, then.”

    (The cook then comes out to talk with them.)

    Cook: “Yes?”

    Teenage girl #2: “Like… what’re you doing after work?”

    Cook: “Going home to see my one month old son and girlfriend.”

    Teenage girl #1: “Oh my God, you have a son!? That’s so gross. You’re so young!”

    Cook: “This is why you use condoms, kids. Stay in school!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Vocabulary, Meet Veracity

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Top

    (I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

    Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

    Little girl: “Robert!”

    Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

    Little girl: “Dammitjulia!”

    (Needless to say, “Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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