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    Category: Top

    Acute Mental Failure

    | Greenville, SC, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Note: At our hospital, patients are called into private registration rooms where all demographic information is completed.)

    Me: “Come on in and we’ll get your paperwork ready.”

    (The patient enters room and I close the door.)

    Me: “So, how are you?”

    Patient: “…”

    (There are 2 large comfy chairs in front of the patient, but she’s still standing.)

    Me:“Uh…everything ok?”

    Patient: “…”

    Me: “Well, uh, so…what procedure are you having today?”

    Patient: “…”

    Me: “Is that your doctor’s order?”

    Patient: “…”

    (The patient throws the paper at me. It has most of the info I need to register her, so I don’t ask any more questions. After a minute, I have all of her paperwork ready. During this entire time, still hasn’t sat down.)

    Me: “Alright, here is your face sheet. If you’ll go down the hall and hand that to radiology they’ll take care of the rest.”

    Patient: “Let me ask you a question now. Why didn’t you tell me to have a seat? You are the most rude person I have ever met!”

    (She takes her papers and pushes on the door to open it, not realizing she needs to pull.)

    Patient: “Ahhhh! Let me out of here, he’s locked me in! Help, help!”

    (The patient knocks over my computer, flips the chairs and starts throwing stuff at me; I hide under the desk during her rampage. Hearing the commotion, security comes in and the patient runs out of the room and out of the hospital, never to be seen again. Afterwards…)

    Security: “They really should start paying you more.”

    Fairweather Friendships

    | Bend, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “…and your total comes to $4.45.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m a close friend with the owner and he told me that you’ll hook me up with the drink.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, unless he told me directly I can’t do that for you.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (Coincidentally, Bob, the owner, shows up so I give him his usual coffee.)

    Me: “Here you are, Bob!”

    Customer: “Oh, so you can hook that jerk-off up with a free drink but not me?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s not polite to call your close friend a jerk-off.”

    Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia

    , | Montreal, QC, Canada | Top

    Me: “9-1-1, police, fire, or ambulance?”

    Caller: “Help, please God, help!”

    Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

    Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

    Me: “Calm down… the police are well on the way as we are talking.”

    Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh my God, why me?”

    Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

    Caller: “Yeah, I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… he’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

    Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell what he wants?”

    Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

    Pizza guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”

    Abandon All Hope, All Ye In Dante’s Diner

    | Sydney, Australia | Top

    (We provide a complimentary bowl of prawn crackers at our restaurant. When I go to take a customers order, I notice he has eaten the entire bowl.)

    Customer: “You know, I’m allergic to MSG. I’ll die immediately if I even eat one milligram.”

    Me: “Those prawn crackers you just ate have MSG in them.”

    Customer: “Oh my God, I’m going to die!”

    (Two hours later, when the bill comes around…)

    Customer: “I don’t think I should pay for the meal. I’m going to die anyway.”

    Me: “Um… yes that will happen eventually, but it’s been two hours and you’re still kicking.”

    Customer: “Maybe I’ve died and we’re all in purgatory? In that case, technically, I haven’t eaten anything.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to pay for your meal.”

    Customer: “Purgatory waitresses aren’t very compassionate, are they?”

    My Biggest And Loudest Fan

    | Florida, USA | Top

    (I worked for a university, calling alumni to ask for donations.)

    Alumnus: *on the phone* “Do they monitor your calls there?”

    Me: “Sometimes. That’s how they evaluate me.”

    Alumnus: “Are they monitoring this call right now?”

    Me: “I’m not sure; it’s at random times to keep me on my toes.”

    Alumnus: “Well, just in case – SHE’S DOING A GREAT F***ING JOB, BIG BROTHER!”

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