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    Looks Real Good, Hurts Real Bad

    | Puerto Rico | Top

    (I had a bag of large crystal beads salvaged from a chandelier. The beads were the size of my palm and very heavy. As I put them away in one of my bead boxes, a teenage girl walked up to my booth at a craft fair.)

    Girl: “Hi! I love your stuff! Do you do custom orders?”

    Me: “Yes, I do! Here, look through some of these bead boxes and tell me what you like.”

    Girl: “Okay!”

    (She looks though some boxes and gasps as she discovers the large crystal beads.)

    Girl: “I love these! Can you make a pair of earrings with these?!”

    Me: “Oh! Ha ha, those beads are for a lamp I’m making. They’re too heavy to use as earrings. May I interest you in a much smaller and lighter version of those beads?”

    Girl: “NO! I want these! They’re so pretty and…bling-bling!”

    Me: “Your piercings would sag if you wore those. Let me–”

    Girl: “No! I’m the customer and this is what I want!”

    Me: *sighing* “Fine. Come back in a few minutes, and I’ll have them done. It’ll be $12.”

    (The girl looks at some other booths while I make her earrings. She returns, asks for her earrings, and pays for them.)

    Girl: *putting on earrings “I love them! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Okay. Thank you, and remember what I said about the beads.”

    Girl: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The beads are like crazy light!”

    (The girl leaves, looking ridiculous with the earrings, but then returns about half an hour later.)

    Girl: “My ears are killing me!”

    Me: “I told you the beads were too heavy, but you still wanted them!”

    Girl: “It’s not the beads, it’s the wire! I must be allergic to it.”

    Me: “There’s no need to yell. I use hypoallergenic materials in all my pieces. There’s no way you can be allergic to it. It’s because the beads are too heavy. I can give you a refund, but you have to give me the earrings back.”

    Girl: “No! It must be the glass, then. I’m allergic to the glass! What kind of glass is this?”

    Me: “…allergic to glass? Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘with beauty comes pain’? Well, this explains it.”

    Girl: “Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! *skips off*

    Veni Vidi Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Went Home & Bought

    | Lawrenceville, NJ, USA | Top

    Customer: “I definitely think I want to buy this laptop.”

    Me: “That’s great, sir. If you just wait here, I can run back and get it for you right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, thanks, that would be great. And I also read something on your website about free shipping.”

    Me: “Yes…that’s true.”

    Customer: “So, do I get free shipping?”

    Me: “Um, that only applies to online orders. There’s no shipping if you buy directly from the store.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “…because you don’t need anything shipped if you buy it in the store…”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. Why would anyone buy it in the store when they can get free shipping online?”

    Me: “Uh…because they’re already at the store…?”

    Customer: “You know what? I think I’m gonna just go buy it online. And you should probably re-evaluate your free shipping policy. No offense, but it’s kind of stupid.”

    Me: “…”

    From Zero to Stupid In 10 Seconds

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Top

    Customer: “Hi, I just brought this machine. I hooked it up as per the manual and it won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Did you plug it in?”

    Customer: “Of course. I’m not an idiot.”

    Me: “Did you turn off the surge-master?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Double-checked all the wires?”

    Customer: “For God’s sake, YES! It was fairly simple; it’s all color-coded. You’d have to be a moron to make a mistake.”

    Me: “OK…why don’t you tell me what you did?”

    Customer: “I unpacked it, plugged all the wires in, and then plugged it into my outlet.”

    Me: “Then?”

    Customer: “Then I put the accelerator on the floor and stepped on it.”

    Me: “…ma’am, there is no accelerator on your computer…”

    Customer: “Yes there is! It’s that thing that has two buttons on either side, and that little wheel on the bottom!”

    (In case it wasn’t obvious, she had stepped on the mouse.)

    You Can Never Be Too Careful

    | Florida, USA | Top

    Young girl, maybe six: “Hi, I need a table for 4 please.”

    Me: “Sure, what’s your name?”

    Girl: *screaming* “STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!”

    (The mom, dad and little brother enter the restaurant while she’s screaming.)

    Mom: “What’s wrong? What happened?”

    Young girl: “The lady wanted to know my name!”

    Mom: “Honey, that’s so she can tell you when the table is ready.”

    Young girl: “Oh…”

    Disease Or Not, You’re Still A Douche

    | Connecticut, USA | Top

    (A customer has just finished placing a rather large and pricey order of several large popcorns loaded with butter, large drinks, and random candies.)

    Me: “That’ll come to $55.75, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh… I have cancer.”

    Me: “Um… I’m sorry.”

    Customer: “So I don’t have to pay, right?”

    Me: “No, you still have to pay.”

    Customer: “Why? I’m a cancer patient!”

    Me: “You’re also trying to walk away with nearly $60 in concession items. I’m sorry, but I can’t give that to you because you have cancer.”

    Customer: “Oh, come on! What if I told you I had heart disease?”

    Me: “I guess I’d have to ask why you’re in such a rush to kill yourself?”


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