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    May We Suggest Hoobastink and Led Hindenburg

    | Salt Lake City, UT, USA | Top

    (I overhear this odd exchange while shopping at a local used music store. It takes place between the clerk and a woman with a heavy accent.)

    Customer: “I am looking for a CD of band called Wet Noodle.”

    Clerk:Wet Noodle? I don’t think we have anything like…”

    Customer: “You have it! My grandson says he wants the CD of band Wet Noodle!”

    (The clerk searches for the band on his computer, to no avail.)

    Clerk: “I’m sorry, we don’t have any record of any products by a bad called Wet Noodle.”

    (I put one and one together and interject.)

    Me: “Ma’am, do you mean Limp Bizkit?”

    Customer: “Yes! Some band like Wet Noodle or Limp Bizkit or some food!”

    (The clerk gets the CDs for the lady, finishes her transaction and then turns to me.)

    Clerk, to me: “I’m giving you every discount I know of.”

    No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring…

    | Peterborough, Ontario, Canada | Top

    (This happened on my first day of the job.)

    Me: “Welcome to [grocery store].”

    Customer: “Take off your glasses.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!”

    Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.”

    Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–”

    Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.”

    Customer: “All right, ring these up.”

    (Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.)

    Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.”

    Me: “I know, let me just–”

    Customer:Peaches! Come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.”

    Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–”

    Customer: “THESE. ARE. PEACCHEESSSS!”

    (He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, then he runs out of the store.)

    Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…”

    Me: “…”

    What A Lady, What A Night

    | New Port Richey, FL, USA | Top

    (I’m standing in line and overhear this conversation between a beautiful middle aged woman and the photo clerk.)

    Clerk: “… unfortunately, we are unable to print all of your photos. Some of them are in violation of a our content policy.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand. All I took pictures of was a trip to Busch Gardens and then my son’s birthday party. What could be so inappropriate?”

    Clerk: “Were you at some point singing karaoke?”

    (The customers face goes from confusion, to understanding, to embarrassment, and finally to barely controlled rage.)

    Customer: “I will be right back.”

    (The customer goes down the aisle and begins grabbing a few additional items.)

    Clerk, to me: “She was naked. Pretty hot for an older lady.”

    (The customer returns with her new items and makes a phone call while the clerk processes the transaction.)

    Customer: *sweetly on the phone* “Oh, honey, you have been working so hard and have been so good to me. I am making you an amazing dinner. Can you pick up some makings for some cocktails on the way home? I am going to give you a night you will never forget! Love you, bye!”

    (As she says this, I notice the new items she’s buying: a sports drink, anti-diarrhea medicine, and a giant bottle of contact lens solution–the latter of which can give people diarrhea. The clerk finishes the transaction and the customer gives us the most evil grin right before she walks out.)

    Clerk: “Hopefully, she won’t let him suffer too long…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Either Way, Someone’s Wearing Diapers

    | Savannah, GA, USA | Top

    (I’m selling movie theater tickets to a couple that’s obviously in their 30s or 40s.)

    Me: “So for two adults, the total is $19.”

    Male customer: “Can’t we get a discount? She’s a senior! How old do you have to be to be a senior?”

    Me: “She has to be 60 to be a senior.”

    Male customer: “She’s 59 and a half! Can we get a discount?”

    (It’s a slow day, so I oblige.)

    Me: “Well… alright, how about $16.50?”

    Male customer: “Awesome, you’re the best! So you gave her the senior ticket, right?”

    Me: “No, sir, I gave you a child.”

    Female customer: *laughs* “Thank you, you’ve definitely got him figured out!”

    If There Is A God, He Obviously Owns A Dog

    | San Jose, CA | Top

    (Note: this takes place during the middle of a bad rainstorm.)

    Customer: “Hi, I wanted to start bringing by dog here but I wanted to make sure that the animals get a lot of exercise.”

    Me: “Oh, we just have them in rotations to run on a treadmill. You see, they help to generate power for our building. I think we have Sandy, a cute little chihuahua going right now.”

    Customer: “You’re joking, right?”

    Me: “Haha, yeah.”

    (Moments later, my coworker comes in from the back.)

    Coworker: “Hey, Sandy’s loose again. Have you seen the pop-up fence?”

    (As if on cue, the storm knocks out power to the building right then and there.)

    Customer: “Oh my god! I’m calling Animal Services and reporting you all!”


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