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    Category: Top

    Pointless Paranoia, Meet Pistol Packin’

    | Rochester, NY, USA | Top

    (A young man asks for a ticket for an R-rated movie and hands me his ID. I’m about to sell him the ticket when the lady behind him speaks up.)

    Lady: “Wait! That picture in the ID doesn’t look like him at all!”

    (I look at the ID. It appears he’s been sick since the photo was taken, but it’s clearly the same guy.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m fairly certain that this is the correct ID. Now, if you’d just step up–”

    Lady: “No! You can’t sell to someone with a fake ID. He could be a terrorist, for God’s sake! You should call the police!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is definitely not necessary. I am responsible for checking identification, and I–”

    Lady: “I need to talk to your manager!”

    (I begin to respond, but the guy politely waves me off and turns to the woman.)

    Man: “Miss, I have another photo ID here, with a more recent picture. Do you think this matches?”

    (He pulls a card out of his wallet and hands it to her. She goes completely white.)

    Lady: “Well… um… yes, that’s, uh, fine!”

    (She squirms for a moment, then exclaims, “I’ll be right back!” She drops the card and leaves the theater in a hurry. I give the guy his ticket.)

    Me: “What was that you showed her?”

    Man: “Oh, my handgun permit.”

    Size Matters Of The Heart

    | Attleboro, MA, USA | Top

    (A customer and his wife came in to look for a TV to buy.)

    Me: “Well, we have this 52″ Toshiba…”

    Husband: *to his wife* “Well, bigger is always better. Right, hon?”

    Wife: “I wouldn’t know…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

    | Missouri, USA | Top

    Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

    Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

    Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

    Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

    Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

    Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

    Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

    Love The Art, Hate His Parts

    | Orem, UT, USA | Top

    (A young woman walks up to the registers with a book.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this notebook.”

    Me: “Is there something wrong with it?”

    Customer: “Yes, there’s a naked man on the front cover.”

    Me: “Uh, that’s Leonardo Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.”

    Customer: “He’s naked.”

    Me: “It’s a five hundred-year-old drawing.”

    Customer: *hissing* “HE’S NAKED.”

    Me: “…would you like store credit?”

    For Everything Else, There’s TasterCard

    , | United Kingdom | Top

    Me: “That’s ¬£26.50, please.”

    Customer: “Can I pay by card?”

    Me: “Sure. Please enter your card into the machine, and then put in your pin code.”

    Customer: “Right, are these machines waterproof?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

    Customer: “I wouldn’t get an electric shock from one, would I?”

    Me: “Err, no?”

    (Suddenly, the customer bends his head down and uses his mouth to cover up the keys. He then uses his tongue to try and push down the numbers of his pin code.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop! That’s incredibly unhygenic.”

    Customer: “But it’s the only way to keep it safe!”

    Me: “Have you considered covering the keys with your hand instead of your mouth?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it’s not as safe!”

    Me: “I’m afraid we’re just going to have to risk that. We can’t have you licking our machines.”

    Customer: “Bah!”

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