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    Self Overflowing Prophecies

    | Iowa City, IA, USA | Top

    Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $1.84. Would you like me to leave some room for cream?”

    Customer: “Yes, please.”

    (I bring her the coffee with a little bit of room at the top.)

    Customer: “You didn’t fill my coffee all the way full!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I thought you wanted some room for cream.”

    Customer: “I do, but I don’t want you scamming me out of any coffee! If I pay $5 for a cup of coffee, I want my money’s worth!”

    Me: “But ma’am, I can’t fill the cup all the way to the top if you want to put cream in the coffee. It will spill over.”

    Customer: “I don’t care, just fill it!”

    (The customer goes around the corner, out of my view to the cream and sugar counter. She comes back 45 seconds later with a large coffee stain on the front of her shirt.)

    Customer: “LOOK AT ME! YOU MADE ME GET COFFEE ALL OVER MYSELF!”

    When Stupid People Attack

    | New York, NY, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    Customer: “Hey, you!”

    Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “These bears are extremely boring. I paid money to see the animals move around.”

    Me: “It’s very hot today, ma’am. Bears don’t like to move around much on hot days, and they sleep at least 16 hours out of the day anyway.”

    Customer: “I don’t care if it’s hot outside. Why won’t they do anything?”

    Me: “Ma’am, the bears are not required to move around for your entertainment.”

    Customer: “Well, they should be!”

    Me: “They’re wild animals, ma’am. If they don’t want to move around, they don’t have to.”

    Customer: “I want to see your superior! Maybe he will understand!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

    Customer: “These bears are boring!”

    Manager: *tells her what I said about hot days*

    Customer: “Go poke them or something. Make them move!”

    Me: “You’re asking me to go into an enclosed area with a group of thousand-pound carnivores, and poke them with a stick so that they can amuse you?

    Customer: “Yes! Just make them do something!”

    You Say To-mah-to, I Say Pot-tah-to

    | Santa Barbara, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [garden store], this is ***. How can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Yeah, i have mites on my, uh… tomato plants. I need something to put on them to kill the mites”

    Me: “Well, sir, we have many different types of sprays and powders for bug eradication that can work.”

    Caller: “I need something that can work indoors.”

    Me: “Indoors? Like a greenhouse? Because the products we have are all natural and can be used in a greenhouse.”

    Caller: “I mean indoors like in my house. I don’t want to use a spray in the closet in my room.”

    Me: “Sir, you’re growing tomatoes in your closet?”

    Customer “Uh, yeah… so what can I use?”

    Me: “Well, we have a powder made of diatomes you can use to kill the mites, and you can still eat the tomatoes without any issue. It’s all natural and perfectly safe.”

    Caller: “That sounds good, but… umm, what if I were to smoke the tomato plant? Would that still be safe?”

    (I finally realize he’s NOT really talking about tomatoes.)

    Me: “Umm, sir, tomato plants are part of the nightshade family and are actually poisonous if ingested. I wouldn’t recommend smoking them or eating the plant itself. Just the tomato.”

    Caller: “But, if I had a plant that was smokeable, i could use the powder stuff and it would be okay?”

    Me: “Yeah, just make sure you wash it good before you um… smoke it… as you would with any home-grown vegetables and fruits.”

    Caller: “You’re sure? Because i don’t wanna die for smoking something i’m not supposed to.”

    Me: “Then make sure you aren’t smoking the tomato plants in your closet and you’ll be fine. Have a nice day!”

    Old School Hustlers

    | Burnsville, MN, USA | Top

    (A customer approaches the bookstore counter with an adult magazine.)

    Customer 2, from behind Customer 1: “What’s the matter, don’t you have a computer?”

    Someone’s About To Get Smacked To The Future

    | Rio Rancho, NM, USA | Top

    Coworker: “Yes, miss. I understand it’s an emergency, But let me ask my coworker. He probably knows what you’re looking for!”

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Coworker: “This woman was sent in looking for an item. She said it’s called a … a … something capacitor.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t really carry any capacitors here. That’s more of a true electronics store thing.”

    Customer: “Please, it’s my son’s birthday and my husband says that we desperately need to find a 120 volt flux capacitor for my son’s Xbox!”

    Me: “Ma’am, unless you have a Mr. Fusion, I don’t know where you’re gonna need something like that.”

    Customer: “What do you mean? My husband said this was an emergency! I have been to 3 stores and no one knows what I’m talking about!”

    Me: *laughs* “Well, your husband sent you for a part to a time machine.”

    Customer: “I am going to kill that man!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic


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