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    Every Valet’s Dream Come True

    | Lake Tahoe, CA/NV, USA | Top

    (A man pulls into the parking lot with a beautiful 1972 Rolls Royce. As a general rule, when someone comes in with a car that nice I just let them park it themselves right up front. This conversation takes place as he is leaving the restaurant.)

    Customer: “I need you to pull my car around for me.”

    Me: “I never took the keys from you.”

    Customer: “The keys are in the ignition. Please go get my car.”

    Me: “Well, if you insist…”

    (I pull the car around VERY carefully.)

    Customer: “That was completely unacceptable. I want you to drive around again, only this time when you start off, do a burnout!”

    Coworkers Uber Alles

    | Huntingdon, UK | Top

    (A young teenage girl comes up to my till and places several bottles of alcopops on it.)

    Me: “I’m sorry miss, but as you don’t look over 21 I am afraid I am going to have to ask to see some ID for these.”

    Girl: “What? I’m old enough. Obviously. Like, I never get asked for ID.”

    Me: “Well I’m afraid I still need ID.”

    Girl: “Why you being rude? I told you I am old enough.”

    (This continues for about 25 minutes until I get fed up.)

    Me: “Look, you obviously don’t have any ID so I am not going to serve you. If you want to complain you can go to customer services.”

    Girl: “Fine!”

    (Ten minutes later, my supervisor comes over.)

    Supervisor: “I just heard you got a complaint. I must say that I am very disappointed.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. I just lost it, I guess.”

    Supervisor: *laughs* “Oh, no. That’s fine. Just that we all had a bet on how long you would last. If only you would have lasted a little longer.”

    (A little while after this, the girl returns. She’s led by a much older man who I guess is her father. He places on my till the exact same items his daughter had.)

    Man: “Right. I want these and before you ask, here is my ID.”

    (He pulls out his driver’s license and waves it in my face, smirking to his daughter. He obviously thinks he is being really clever.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t sell you these.”

    Man: “Why the h*** not?! I’m plenty old enough!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. But it is also quite obvious that you are buying them for this girl, which means I can’t sell them to you.”

    Man: “I want to speak with your supervisor.”

    (I call my supervisor over and explain the situation. The man jumps in before she can respond.)

    Man, to supervisor: “So, what you gonna do? You gonna sell me these d*** drinks and fire that little s***?!”

    Supervisor: *calmly* “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I will give you thirty seconds to get out or I will call the police. Buying alcohol for a minor is a criminal offense.”

    (Needless to say he left in a hurry, muttering furiously to his daughter. Sometimes, with the worst customers, you find the best coworkers.)

    Telepathic Temper Tantrum

    | New Jersey, USA | Top

    Caller: *on the phone* “HELLO?”

    Me: “Hello, ma’am! What can I help you with?”

    (There is a long silence)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear that. Would you please repeat what you just said?”

    Caller: “HELLO?”

    Me: “…hello, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

    (Another long silence.)

    Caller: “WELL?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t hear you again.”

    Caller: “That’s because I’m not speaking.”

    Me: “…”

    Caller: “I’m thinking my question. WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to speak out loud in order for me to help you.”

    Caller: “You mean with technology these days you can’t tell what I’m thinking?!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t.”

    Caller: “YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL WHAT I’M THINKING!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. If you’d like me to help you, you’ll just have to speak it out loud.”

    (Another minute of silence.)

    Caller: “I JUST MENTALLY CURSED YOU! BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW THAT, WOULD YOU?!” *hangs up*

    Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

    Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”

    Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

    Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

    Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”

    A Double Edged Flat Screen

    | Texas, USA | Top

    Customer: “You have to help me, I don‚Äôt know what to do!”

    Me: “Calm down, ma‚Äôam. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.”

    Me: “What‚Äôs the problem with it?”

    Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?”

    Me: “Is it not functioning properly?”

    Customer: “No. It works perfectly, that‚Äôs the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar, all his friends come over to watch TV until 3 am and I can‚Äôt get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother‚Äôs crystal vase and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!”

    Me: “Well, you know ma‚Äôam, you could always turn the tables.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “You have girlfriends, right?”

    (The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.)

    Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?”

    Me: “Just over there…”

    Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!”

    (I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.)

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