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    Category: Top

    Becoming Familiar With Fiber

    | Texas, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (My dad was standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him was a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly had several more items than the limit.)

    Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

    Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

    (An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

    Old man: “Here, give her this.”

    (My dad hands it to the woman.)

    Woman: “What’s this?”

    Old man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”

    1-800-KRYPTON

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    Me: “Dispatch, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have an alarm going off.”

    Me: “Okay, do you happen to have an account number?”

    Caller: “No, I moved into this house five years ago and inherited the alarm system.”

    Me: “Alright, address?”

    Caller: *gives address*

    Me: “Sir, I didn’t receive any notifications. Can you hold for a few minutes while I confirm with our other station?”

    Caller: “I guess…”

    (I call our other station, they tell me they have no record of the alarm.)

    Me: “Sir?”

    Caller: “Yes, yes, what?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is the alarm still going off?”

    Caller: “Yes, can’t you hear? Listen, I am a very important lawyer and I demand you turn this alarm off!”

    Me: “Sir, our alarms reset in ten–”

    Caller: “No, you listen to me, you little s***! I’d better not miss my meetings because you can’t turn off this alarm!”

    (I hear the alarm getting louder and I’m pretty sure he can’t hear me, so…)

    Me: “SON OF JOR-EL! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!”

    (The alarm in the background shuts off.)

    Caller: “Oh wow! Thank you! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “No problem, sir!”

    Fudge In Flight

    | Manchester, UK | Top

    Customer: “This isnt a hot fudge sundae.”

    Coworker: “No, it isn’t. I’m afraid we don’t make it with hot fudge here.”

    Customer: “Then I’m not paying for it!”

    Coworker: “I’m afraid you have to. The menu states that it’s not made with hot fudge.”

    Customer: “FINE!” *throws the ice cream at my coworker*

    Coworker: *covered with ice cream* “I’m suddenly glad we don’t have hot fudge.”

    Third Time’s (Not) A Charm

    | Basingstoke, UK | Top

    (Our customers log calls in a queue, and we call them back in order of priority. This customer has a very low priority call, but is trying to jump the queue.)

    Customer: “We can’t work here. Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this really is a cosmetic issue. It shouldn’t get in the way of your work.”

    Customer: “Even if we manage to send chocolate to the office? I’m sure that’ll help.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but of all the agents here, you’ve picked the one that’s alergic to chocolate.”

    Customer: “D***. Well, how about a bottle of wine? Is that worth a few spots in the queue?”

    Me: “I don’t drink. I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s not your lucky day.”

    Customer: “Okay, you’ve driven me to it. I’m batting my eyelashes here! You really should see it. How about lunch next week?”

    Me: “That’s three strikes, ma’am… I think my husband would complain if I started dating girls. Sorry, I’m gay.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “You’re not making any of this up, are you?”

    Me: “We’ll have someone give you a call back when your call is next in the queue, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

    Elemental State Of Confusion

    | California, USA | Top

    (I had just brought a table their glasses of water before coming back to take their orders.)

    Customer: “There’s something in my water! I demand a new one right away!”

    (She holds up an ice cube in her hand to show me.)

    Me: “Oh OK, I’ll bring you one without ice.”

    Customer: “Without what?”

    Me: “Ice.”

    Customer: “Ice? Huh?”

    Me: “Um…ice cubes.”

    (She looks at me blankly.)

    Me: “The little cubes of frozen water…”

    Customer: “FROZEN WATER! That’s crazy…why is it in my glass?”

    Me: “To keep your water cold.”

    Customer: “Well, if I wanted that I would’ve ordered an iced water! Haven’t you ever been to Starbucks? That’s the way a REAL restaurant does it.”

    Me: “…”

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