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  • A Total Brazil Nut
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    Always Right, Even When Making A Nation Of 130 Million Vanish

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Top

    Caller: “I need a provider who can speak Spanish.”

    Coworker: “Okay, we can find one for you.”

    Caller: “Really? What if I wanted a provider who spoke Japanese?”

    Coworker: “No problem, we have those.”

    Caller: “Really? You have providers who speak Japanese?”

    Coworker: “Yes.”

    Caller: “But Japanese don’t exist!”

    Definitely Not In The Job Description

    | Chilliwack, BC, Canada | Top

    Me: “Thanks for calling [pizza place]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I would like…” *places order as usual*

    Me: “Okay, is there anything else I can do for you?”

    Caller: “Yes! When the driver arrives, could you tell him these instructions?”

    Me: “Okay. I’ll be your driver, by the way.”

    Caller: “Alright. First, I want you to knock on the window 3 times, then yell like a Wookie. Then knock 2 more times and make alien noises.”

    Me: “Alien…noises?”

    Caller: “You know the ‘click’ and stuff. Like in the movie…uhh, what movie is that again?”

    Me: “You mean Signs?”

    Caller: “Yeah! That’s the one. Okay, so after you does that, knock three more times and then yell, ‘PLANKTON!'”

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Caller: “Oh yeah, do you have any lingerie?”

    Me: “Not on me…”

    Caller: “Oh, well you should drive home and then find some, and wear that to the door.”

    Me: “Okay, is that all, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Yeah, but don’t forget the lingerie!”

    (I decide to go along with the caller’s request, put on some shorts, and roll the legs up so it’s similar to a Speedo. Half an hour later, I arrive at their door. The entire party comes outside to watch my show of knocks and clicks, and then poses with me to take pictures. I got a $15 tip, too!)

    An Offering To The Literary Gods

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    (I’m sitting at the reference desk when a lady walks in with a beautiful bouquet in one hand, a bag full of freshly-baked loaves of bread in the other, and a ferocious scowl on her face. She comes to the desk and slams down the flowers.)

    Lady: *growls* “Flowers for librarians!”

    (She slams down the bread, then growls again.)

    Lady: “Bread for librarians!”

    (She then puts both hands on the desk and leans forward.)

    Lady: *snarling* “Now find me a book!”

    Good Examples Gone Bad

    | Santa Clarita, CA, USA | Top

    (Note: A sincerely nice gentleman in his Mid Sixties approaches the check in counter with a CRT monitor.)

    Me: “Hello sir, what can i do for you?”

    Old man: “I can’t check my email any more and I need you to help me.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem! Did you want to bring your computer in here, too?”

    Old man: “Here.”

    (He sets his monitor on the counter.)

    Me: “Um…”

    Old man: “What’s wrong?”

    Me: “Well sir, this is just your monitor. Imagine if you will that your DVD player…”

    Old man: *looks confused*

    Me: “…or VCR…is broken and you want me to fix it, but you bring in your television.”

    Old man: “Oh my goodness, I am so embarrassed.”

    Me: “It’s completely understandable, technology can be a bit overwhelming.”

    Old man: “I’ll go get my VCR!”

    Small Fish In A Small Pond

    | Malmoe, Sweden | Top

    (Note: I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)

    Hostess: “Welcome to flight *** from Malmoe to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”

    (A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)

    Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”

    Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”

    Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”

    Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”

    Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”

    Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”

    Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

    Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”

    Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*

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