Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “Yes, I’d like to buy tickets for Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party.”

Me: “Wonderful, when will you be attending?”

Woman: “Tonight.”

Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, we actually have sold out for tonight’s event.”

Woman: “Oh, okay, I’ll just get tickets when I get to the park.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t have any tickets at all left. You won’t be able to purchase them at the park.”

Woman: “Right, you’re just sold out of advance tickets, that’s okay, I’ll just get them there.”

Me: “I’m so sorry ma’am, we are sold out of ALL tickets. That means there are NONE available when you get there.”

Woman: “But I can still go, right? I just won’t have a ticket?”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t attend Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party without a ticket, and we do not have any tickets available.”

Woman: “Fine, I’ll get my tickets when I get to the park.”

(I honestly can’t say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER)

Me: “Is there any chance you are pregnant?”

Patient: “No?”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Are you sexually active?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Do you still have periods?”

Patient: “Yes!”

Me: “Are you on birth control?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Do you use condoms?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

Patient: “No.”

Me: “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”

Patient: “No.”

Source

Pizza Delivery Customer: “I want this pizza for free.”

Me: “No cash, no pizza. I don’t care if you don’t eat or not.”

Pizza Delivery Customer: “Well, I know the owner of *** Pizza!!!”

Me: “Really, how do you know me?”

(Customer puts his hand and his pocket and pays for the pizza)

(Note: I’m not really the owner of *** Pizza)

Me: “Welcome to xxx Bank, what can I do for you today?”

Customer: “Do you guys sell gold here?”

Me: “Well, our Financial Advisor can take care of all your commodity trades. Let me introduce…”

Customer: “No, I mean do you SELL gold here?”

Me: “Um… what do you mean exactly?”

Customer: “Can I buy gold?”

Me: “As in… a brick of gold?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to buy a couple of bricks.”

Me: “Um… no.. I believe they stopped doing that in the 1920s.”

Customer: “Well you SHOULD!”

Me: “… Okay.”

The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened:

Customer: “… Uggghhh!”

Me: “What happened?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my porn.”

Me: *silence* “Oh….”

Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want porn on my iPod!”

Me: “Click the little X near the top.”

Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”

Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”

Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh God!”

Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)

Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”

Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”

Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”

(I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the porn is moved)

Customer: “Alright, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”

Tech Support: “What seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “I dropped my [product] in salt-water.”

Tech Support: “Okay, just so you know, that does mean the warranty has been voided, so we won’t be able to replace it for you.”

Customer: “I figured as much. I was just wondering what I can do to increase the chances of getting it to work again.”

Tech Support: “You could try leaving it to dry on a towel for a few days.”

Customer: “Yeah, I’ll do that; I also ran it under some tap water, to rinse all the salt water out.”

Customer (pointing to up escalator): “How do I go up? This way?”

Source

Ski Resort Guest: “Hey! You guys really go all out.”

(Me with puzzled look on face)

Ski Resort Guest: “You guys have that robotic bear crossing underneath the lift just as we went over.”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have any robotic bears.”

Ski Resort Guest: “What? You mean that was a real bear?”

Me: “Yes sir.”

Ski Resort Guest: “Ahhh. We were gonna hike down but I think we’ll just take the lift.”

Source

Customer: “Do you have a picture book of dinosaurs?”

Me: “Sure.”

(We walk to the dinosaur books and I show him many books with various sketches and paintings of dinosaurs)

Customer: “No, not pictures…PHOTOGRAPHS. Photos of dinosaurs, please. Where are those?”

Source

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Dog Owner: “When my dog pees, he leaves brown patches all over the lawn. Is he peeing fire?”

Source