(Note; electronic ignition keys sell for $25 to $90)

Customer: “I want to return this key. Here is the receipt.”

(The electronic key is worn from use; the receipt is 2 years old)

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “It doesn’t work.”

Me: “Well, let me go out to your car and see what the problem is.”

Customer: “I sold that car.”

Me: “OK, but it looks like you’ve been using the key for a long time. It must have worked.”

Customer: “Well it did work, but I sold the car and I don’t need it anymore, so I want my money back.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry sir, but we sell keys; we do not rent them. When you sell the thing the keys fit in, you either give the keys to the new owner or toss them. And even if we did rent keys, the rent for two years would be more than the purchase cost–so actually you would owe us money.”

*customer runs out the door*

Lady: “Okay, I’m all set.”

Me: *rings the draperies she wants up* “Okay, your total is $768.xx cents.”

Lady: “What?! Aren’t they on sale??”

Me: “No, only the pleated draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “What’s the difference? Why aren’t these ones on sale too?!

Lady’s husband: “What’s going on?”

Lady, now talking to her husband: “These panels aren’t on sale!!!”

Husband: “Oh…well how much does it come up to?”

Lady: “They come out to like $800 bucks.”

Husband: “Well…what do you wanna do?”

Lady: *sigh* “There are signs EVERYWHERE saying that these are on sale.”

Me: “No, there are signs everywhere saying that the PLEATED draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “But that entire room has signs! They all say they’re 20% off.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry to say, but all the signs in that room all say, ‘SALE: All Pleated Draperies 20% Off’. Want me to show you?”

Lady: “No it’s fine…whatever.”

*I finish ringing up the transaction*

Lady, while signing her receipt: “Ugh, it’s just misleading you know? There are literally a hundred signs in that room that say that the draperies are on sale.”

Me: “Well I’m sorry, but they do specify what kind of draperies are on sale.”

Lady: “Well I don’t buy draperies every day, so I don’t pay attention to stupid details like that!!!!”

Me: “Okay, well… I hope they work out for you, have a happy holiday.”

(I am in IT for large company, with multiple locations all over the Canada. I got a call from a business unit located in another province)

Customer on the phone: “Hi. My computer is not working.”

Me: “Okay. What’s your name…”

(After 5 minutes I got all the info I needed)

Me: “I’m sorry, I cannot remotely access your computer. I’ll have to inform your local IT team to come and resolve this problem. It’s 6am in your location and IT starts at 7am. They will come and fix it in an hour.”

Customer: “No. This is critical. You come and fix it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, you probably do not realize that I’m located in Ontario and you are in British Columbia. I cannot come and fix it.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. You’ll come and fix it now?”

Me: “No, there are thousands of kilometers between us. I cannot come and help you.”

Customer: “Okay, okay. Production has stopped, so you come and fix it now.”

(At this point I have big dent in my office wall exactly matching shape of my head)

Me: “Okay, Sir. I’m coming to fix it. But I don’t know you, so to make it easier for me to recognize you please stand in the middle of the production area and raise both your hands so I can find you easily.”

Customer: “Okay, Okay.”

(I received no more calls from him–he’s probably still waiting for me with his hands raised over his head)

Source

Customer: “Where is your jewelry?”

Me, standing behind 3 counters filled with jewelry: “Right here, ma’am.”

Customer: “No, the jewelry on sale!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we aren’t having a sale on jewelry this month.”

Customer: “But I was here in July and it was on sale.”

Me: “Yes ma’am, and now it’s November and it’s not on sale.”

Customer: “Well can’t you give me the sale prices anyways?”

Me: “Ummm, no.”

Customer: “Yeah, my son really likes this one band that has a really popular song out right now.”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know the name of their album, their band name, or the name of the song but the tune is like this: ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa.’”

Me: “…”

Customer: *not very happy with me* “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t really look up ‘ba ba bee da dum dum baaa’ in our computer.”

Customer: “Don’t be a smart a** with me, missy.”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, I’m not trying to be a smart a**, I’m just saying there isn’t really any way I can help you unless you have some information I can look up.”

Customer: *yelling* “NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I EVER BEEN TREATED SO DISRESPECTFULLY AT SOME BULLS*** BOOK STORE! EVERY TIME I COME HERE YOU AND YOUR CO-WORKERS ACT AS IF IT’S SUCH A CHORE TO HELP CUSTOMERS!”

Me: *trying really hard not to laugh* “Would you like me to call my manager?”

Customer: “YES!”

(I page my manager, which we have several but I lucked out and got the good one)

Rad manager: *irritated because she was busy* “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes, the…”

Rad manager: “No, I wasn’t talking to you.”

Customer: “Well!”

Me: “She wants me to look up a song using only the tune.”

Rad manager: *laughs*

Customer: *again, yelling* “IS IT SO HARD TO ASK FOR A LITTLE HELP OR DO YOU NOT OFFER THAT FOR FREE? ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS THE BAND NAME THAT SINGS THAT ONE SONG THAT GOES LIKE THIS, ‘BA BA BEE DA DUM DUM BAAA’! IT ISN’T THAT HARD TO FIGURE IT OUT!”

Me: “So go home and figure it out and give us a call.”

Customer: “I will never shop here again! I’m taking my business to Barnes & Noble!”

Rad manager and I: “Okay. Bye.”

Source

(A customer wanders down the paint aisle I’m working on and asks for advice on which paint to use. I tell him, and he asks for the differences between brands)

Me: “Brand A is just a bit thicker than Brand B. But other than that, they’re pretty much the same.”

Customer: “What do you mean ‘thicker’?”

Me: “The paint has a thicker consistency.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Do you know what cake batter looks like? And water?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Cake batter is thicker than water, like Brand A is thicker than Brand B.”

Customer: “Brand A is cake batter?”

(It goes on like this for awhile. I ended up leaving him there to contemplate)

Me: “So, what can I get you?”

Hobo: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at menu*

Me, 3 minutes later: “I’ll come ba-”

Hobo: “I want some toast!”

Me: “Okay, toast is all, I’ll be right back.”

Hobo: “Yeah, thats what I want, french toast.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Hobo: “I want some french toast, how much does that cost?”

Me: “Sorry sir, we don’t have french toast.”

Hobo: “Then what do you have?”

Me: “Um…. toast?”

Hobo: “Toast? Whats that?”

*long pause*

Me: “Warm crunchy bread, sir.”

Hobo: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm crunchy bread!”

(A woman gets frustrated after I switch out for a co-worker to go on break on Black Friday)

Woman Customer: “Ugh! That is so frustrating! Why didn’t she wait to leave until I was finished?”

Me: “Ma’am, she’s been here since 3:45 this morning, and she needed a break. Plus, we’re not robots.”

Woman Customer: “Good. I hate robots.”

(Teleconferencing with a client about a commercial I edited for him)

Client: “I don’t like the music you picked. Do you have anything else?”

Me: “The order said you wanted your jingle in the spot. It’s the one you had the radio stations send us…”

Client: *interrupts* “Yeah, yeah. We gotta have the jingle. I just don’t like the music that goes with it.”

Me: “So you want the jingle without the music?”

Client: “Yeah. Like, and can you take the singing out of there? Like, the music too, can you just edit it out?”

Me: “I don’t think I understand. You want me to edit the jingle so there’s no music or singing?”

Client: “Yeah. I mean you guys can do stuff like that can’t you? Like, with the computers you got?”

Me: “We can’t really, um, do it like that. If you don’t want the jingle sung, we could have the [jingle’s hook] read in the voiceover.”

Client: “No, that won’t work. You can’t just read it. We gotta have the melody in there with it.”

Me: *loathes his career choice*

Customer: “I’m looking for that movie.”

Me: “We have lots of movies, can I help narrow it down?”

Customer: “No, I want it full sized.”

Me: “I meant, what can you tell me about the movie?”

Customer: “Isn’t it YOUR job to tell ME about the movie?”

Me: “Well, I’ll tell you everything I know about the movie as soon as you tell me which movie you’re looking for.”

Customer: “If I knew which movie I was looking for, wouldn’t I have found it by now? Jeez, the people they hire these days.”

(Customer storms out)