Customer: “I just locked my key in my car in front of the shop.”

Me: (I pick up some stuff) “Not a problem, I’ll pop it open for $5.00.”

Customer: “What are you going to do with that stuff?”

Me: “Open your car.”

Customer: “It’s a brand new Mercedes. I just drove it here from the dealer–you can’t touch it!”

Me: “Then how do I open it?”

Customer: “That’s your problem.”

Me: “Actually it’s not; I didn’t lock the key in your car.”

Customer: “You have to open it.”

Me: “Watch me not open it.”

Customer: “OK then, but if you make any scratch or mark at all then you will have to pay Mercedes to repaint the whole car. That will cost thousands.”

Me: “So If I’m successful I get $5.00, but if I make the smallest error it will cost me thousands of dollars?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Your car might just be there forever.”

From the Not Always Right store:

Your Car Might Just Be There Forever Tee

(I was working the candy bar when a I was approached by a man seeing Bridge to Terabithia with two young kids. He points to the popcorn machine:)

Customer: “I’ll have two boxes of cockporn, please.”

(There was a two second pause as the customer’s eyes went wide with horror…and then I started to laugh. He got the popcorn and ran upstairs, with me standing behind the counter with tears running down my face.)

From the Not Always Right store:

Cockporn Tee

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi! I need a website…”

Me: “Okay. Well, to start, tell me a little about what exactly you are looking for.”

Client: “Nothing big…just 2-4 pages with my company’s info, and our phone number. It wont need to be updated. I just need a basic web page. I just opened a dog grooming business, and I feel we need a site.”

Me: “Okay, well I would be glad to help you out…”

Client: *interrupts* “One catch though. My friend told me that I need to get on Google.”

Me: “Yes, we offer Search Engine Optimization…” *explains SEO* “…and generally your page will be indexed within about a month.”

Client: “No, I need my site to be on Google immediately! I want to be able to type in ‘Dog Grooming’ and have it be the first listing on Google. I need the site in about 4 days, and it has to be on Google by then also.”

Me: “I’m afraid thats impossible. Besides, you’re a local dog groomer, in NY, you don’t need people to from California to be able to find you. No offense but it’s not like people are going to fly across the country to have you cut their dog’s hair.”

Client: “I guess you’re right. Okay, well then lets go with ‘local dog grooming’ instead. How much do you charge for your services?”

Me: “Well ma’am, I’m afraid it’s going to be impossible to get your site built in 4 days and have it listed, by then, as the number 1 result on the largest search engine, for a term as broad as ‘Local Dog Grooming’, but we can come back to that. A ballpark quote for your site, and this is just the design and upload–this is not for the SEO you want–possibly…$250.”

Client: “That is ridiculous…I am going to just buy Dreamweaver. ”

Me: “Ma’am, just Dreamweaver alone is $399 and even then you’re going to need to learn how to use it.”

Client: “Well can you teach me?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t mean to sound rude, but I went to 4 years of school for this, and make a living doing web design. I don’t feel comfortable training you. That’s sort of like if I were to come to your establishment, and ask you if you could take your time to show me how to properly cut my dogs hair, rather than paying you to do it.”

Client: *speaking to someone else near her* “The sh*t people will tell you just to be able to steal your money!” *click*

(I had this conversation recently with a lady who swore she had been using computers since forever.)

Tech Support: “All right. Now click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”

Tech Support: “Yes, click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Click ‘OK’?”

Tech Support: “That’s right. Click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “So I click ‘OK’, right?”

Tech Support: “Right. Click ‘OK’.”

(Pause.)

Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

Tech Support: “YOU CLICKED ‘CANCEL’???”

Customer: “That’s what I was supposed to do, right?”

Tech Support: “No, you were supposed to click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “I thought you said to click ‘Cancel’.”

Tech Support: “NO. I said to click ‘OK’.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Tech Support: “Now we have to start over.”

Customer: “Why?”

Tech Support: “Because you clicked ‘Cancel’.”

Customer: “Wasn’t I supposed to click ‘Cancel’?”

Tech Support: “No. Forget that. Let’s start from the top.”

Customer: “Ok.”

(I spend the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady’s unique computer.)

Tech Support: “All right. Now, are you ready to click ‘OK’?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Tech Support: “Great. Now click ‘OK’.”

(Pause.)

Customer: “I clicked ‘Cancel’.”

(And people wonder why my mouse pad has a target on it labeled “BANG HEAD HERE.”)

Source

Me: “Okay sir, can you hear me?”

Pilot: “Loud and clear. Okay, I have a problem with my radar…it won’t test and nothing is coming up in the O-F-F position.”

Me: “Well, sir, turn it to the O-N position and let me know how things work out.”

(One customer complains about a game that is not giving tickets. Upon looking at the game, I discover that a fuse is blown. I place several “Out of Order” stickers over the coin slot and refund the customer. Two minutes later another customer approaches.)

Customer: “I just put a coin in this game and won tickets but none came out.”

Me: “I placed an ‘Out of Order’ sticker on the coin slot. Is it not on there anymore?”

Customer: “You mean these? They were in the way so I removed them. Can I get a refund?”

(I was working at a Subway about a year ago)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Let me see.” *looks at the menu* “A sub.”

Me: “What kind of sub do you want, ma’am?”

Customer: “I want provolone cheese?”

Me: “What kind of meat would you like?”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “What kind of meat?”

Customer: *agitated* “Are you being rude?”

*storms out and stands in front of the store for a few minutes telling people not to come in because of a rude employee*

Customer: “Um…yes, are you guys going to put out more skim milk?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we’re all out of white milk, both skim and 2%. All we have left is chocolate.”

Customer: “Completely out?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we’re completely out.”

Customer: “Oh, well. Do you think you could make some more?”

Me: “Are you serious?!”

Related: No Problem, We Have A Cow Out Back

(Earlier in the day this guy called to make a reservation, even though we were totally booked. The manager decided to take it anyway. When he got to the restaurant, he proceeded to pick his own table though I had no idea he had.)

Me: “Okay sir, just follow me and I can bring you to your table.”

Customer: “But I’ve been waiting for this one.”

Me: “Well, sir, that table is still occupied however I do have an available table for you.”

Customer: “NO! I don’t want that table. I’ve been waiting for this table for 20 minutes now! Why should I go sit at that table when I’ve been waiting for this one!”

Me: “Okay. But just so you know. It’s going to be another 20 minutes before they pay and get up, if they decide to get up after paying. Even then you’d still have to wait for a busser to clear it and another one to reset it and right now they are backed up.”

Customer: “I just don’t understand why I can’t have this table.”

Me, annoyed: “And I don’t understand why you won’t sit at an open table that we have waiting for you where you can sit down and start enjoying your meal now instead of waiting another 30 minutes for THAT table to be ready for you.”

Customer: “Attitude? Are you giving me attitude? I don’t think so buddy!”

Me: “Weelll…”

(At this point the other hostesses gave me a death look to shut up so I gave up. The customers at the table he was waiting for actually did decide to camp out for another hour. By that time we sat the table we were to give him. He ended up waiting an extra hour and a half to be seated.)

(The customer was using an older copy of Windows, so I had to ask her a question about what her Explorer window looked like)

Tech Support: “Up at the top it says File, Edit, and View. What does it say just to the right of View?”

Customer: “Edit.”

Tech Support: “No, to the right of View.”

Customer: “Edit.”

Tech Support: “Okay, what’s on the other side of View?”

Customer: “Oh, Tools.”

Tech Support: “Click your left mouse button.”

Customer: “Which one is that?”

Tech Support: “Well, you know your left from your right, so click the button on your left.”

Customer: “Oh.”

Tech Support: “What happened?”

Customer: “Nothing.”

Tech Support: “You did click the left mouse button?”

Customer: “I think so.”

Tech Support: “The one on your left?”

Customer: “Which one was that again?”

Source