Customer: “Hey, you know them laptops over there? Do they come with the internet?”

Me: “They are internet capable and also have wi-fi.”

Customer: “So, I buy it and send it to the warehouse and they put the internet on it for me?”

Me: “You just need to select a company and purchase their internet services.”

Customer: “What? Then what the h*** is that Visto thing that comes on it? I need to buy two internets?”

Me: “No. Windows Vista is an operating system.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “Getting the internet is kinda like getting cable television.”

Customer: “Cable?”

(The conversation only went downhill from there.)

(At the aquarium where I volunteer, a guest sticks her whole hand in our touch tank, rips off a sea urchin and proceeds to stuff it in her bag.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you can’t do that.”

Guest: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You can’t rip the urchin off the tank’s wall. Could you please hand me it?”

Guest: “But I was going to take it home and eat it. Isn’t that okay?”

(I am a shift manager at a restaurant. I have many facial piercings, but always take them out for work.)

Me: “Hello this is the manager speaking, what seems to be the problem today?”

Caller: “I am calling to complain about one of your staff. They have horrendous facial piercings. It’s disgusting!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I must let you know that all of our staff are required to take out any piercings before starting their shift. What did this employee look like?”

Caller: “She looked like the devil! She had piercings in her lip nose and eyebrow!”

(I am the only one with these piercings, so she must be referring to me.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, are you sure you saw this employee at the restaurant?”

Caller: “No, she was at the supermarket!”

Me: “You’re calling about one of our employees while they were off duty?”

Caller: “Yes! She never has them on at your restaurant, so they must have fallen into my food!”

Me: *speechless*

Caller: “YOU’RE GETTING SUED!”

(At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket please?”

Customer: “The force is strong with this one.”

Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

Customer: “I challenge you to a light-saber battle!”

(Suddenly, the customer whips out two light-sabers from under his cloak.)

Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

Me: “No, not today sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

Customer: “But…but I have challenged you! I sense the force within you is strong!”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: *looks around* “Alright, just give me one.”

(He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

(I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand and runs out the back side door to the movie theater.)

Manager: “Well?”

(Literally defeated, I head back to work.)

(I work on a cruise ship, and it’s 3 pm on embarkation day–the day all guests board. There are hundreds of people in the main atrium, milling about, asking tour questions and filling in forms. A male guest in his 50s approaches one of the tour staff with a paper in hand.)

Customer: “I have filled my form out. It says here you need to check it?”

Me: “Yes, you have a medical waiver for our snorkel tour. I’ll check it over so I can give you your tickets.”

(I read the form and notice that ‘Circulatory Problems’ has been checked.)

Me: “Sir, it says here you have circulation problems. Is this exercise related?”

Customer: “No, I had a minor surgery.”

Me: “Ah, was it cardiovascular, or–”

(A woman, also in her 50s and dressed in a blue velvet leisure suit with lots of gold jewelry suddenly bursts in.)

Customers Wife: *very loudly* “Harvey, what is this man asking you? I’m his wife.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am just confirming some details on his waiver so he can go snorkeling.”

(She grabs the form.)

Customers Wife: “Let me see that…oh, Harvey you didn’t put down your surgery, that’s why.”

(A couple of guests have turned to listen as the wife of Harvey is very, VERY loud.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was just going to ask Harvey–”

Customers Wife: “Oh, I can tell you what it is. It was for removal of varicose veins.”

Me: “So, it really isn’t circula–”

Customers Wife: *loudly* “They’re on his testicles!”

(I quickly take the form and excuse Harvey. Immediately, Harvey runs off.)

Customers Wife: “Harvey, where are you going? Harvey, what’s wrong?” *chases after Harvey*

Me: “Thank you for calling [clinic], how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to know how much it is to descent my cat. He was a stray that was eating our other cats‚Äô food and we decided to keep him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t de-scent a cat. He may be spraying to mark his territory, and if he is, we can neuter him.”

Customer: “I assure you my cat has scent glands! He backs up to furniture, marks them, and if you startle him, he will turn around and try to mark you! And he’s mean too! If you try to come near him, he growls and tries to bite.”

Me: “Ma’am, cats don’t spray when startled usually. Are you sure it‚Äôs a cat?”

Customer: “Well, yes.”

Me: “What color is it, ma’am?”

Customer: “Black and white.”

Me: “What do his markings look like?”

Customer: “All black with two white stripes down its back.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is not a cat. That is a skunk.”

Customer: “Well, you have obviously never seen a cat before!” *hangs up*

(A man walks into our crowded coffee shop and yells at the top of his lungs.)

Man: “EVERYBODY GET DOWN!”

Supervisor: “Oh no, it’s a robbery!” *begins to call security*

Man: “…on the DANCE FLOOR!”

(The man then “dances” up to the front, past shocked customers, grabs a bottle of water, and “dances” out of the store. Security nabs him outside the door.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***. May I have your phone number, please?”

Caller: “This thing doesn’t f***ing work!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

Caller: “Just help me with this f***ing thing!”

(Eventually, I find out he needs help with a DVD remote.)

Caller: “The movie doesn’t play! It doesn’t do a f***ing thing!”

(I hear the crunching of plastic as he tries to push the buttons really hard.)

Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re pressing the play button and it’s not working. Correct?”

Caller: “Which one’s the play button?”

Me: “The one that says ‘play’ above it. It should be in the shape of an arrow that’s pointing to the right.”

Caller: “I can’t read any of this s***! I don’t have anything like that. There’s just one that points to the left.”

Me: “Sir, go ahead and turn the remote around.”

Caller: “What, backwards?”

Me: “Yes, so that the other side points at the DVD player.”

Caller: “Oh…it works now!” *click*

(I’m working as a cashier at a hardware store. A customer comes to my line wearing a floor-length black trench coat, which he is clutching around himself rather suspiciously.)

Me: “Hello, sir, did you find everything alright today?”

Customer: “Would you like to see my bird?” *suggestively nods down toward his jacket*

Me: “Umm, excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, my bird…

(He opens one side of his trench coat, only to show that he indeed has a large green parrot hidden in his jacket.)

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “What, is green not your color? No worries!”

(The customer opens the other side of his trench coat and reveals another large parrot–this one red.)

Me: *still speechless*

(I work as a cook at a pizza place. A tall and thin customer comes in and begins to place an order with the cashier.)

Customer: “Yeah, I want the large pepperoni.”

Cashier: “For here?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Cashier: “Would you like anything with that?”

Customer: “Yeah, let me have the spaghetti dinner.”

Cashier: “Oh, did you want that instead of the pizza?”

Customer: “Naw, I want the pizza too. Can I get extra garlic bread?”

Cashier: “Um, sure.”

Customer: “Sweet. Can I also get one of them open-faced sandwiches? The roast beef and cheese…and can you add some sausage to the sandwich too?

Cashier: “Yeah…”

Customer: “…and a salad. What kind of salad do you have?”

Cashier: “Well, we have a small side salad, or a larger dinner salad…”

Customer: “Well…”

Me: *speaking over the counter* “We also have the antipasto salad! It’s pretty big!”

Customer: “Yeah! I want that!”

Cashier: “Um…is there anything else?”

Customer: *looks around, and sees the bags of potato chips on
display* “Yeah, those look good. Give me two bags of chips!”

Cashier: “Okay…is there anything else?”

Customer: “Naw, I think that’s it.”

Cashier: “Do you need us to box up any of this to go?”

Customer: “Naw.”

Cashier: “Will you have anything to drink with this?”

Customer: “Oh yeah, I totally forgot! I’ll have a small Coke!”

(When we finally brought the food out to the customer, it was a LOT of food. Surprisingly, the customer stayed in the restaurant for over 4 hours, and he ate almost everything!)