Retail | Madison, WI, USA
(Background story: This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison is THE biggest event of the year. My store had many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I was at my cash register for check-out when a customer came to me.)
Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”
(The customer puts down a wig, make-ups, a pantyhose, condoms, and lubes on my register.)
Me: “Ok.” *starts scanning*
Customer: “…”
Me: *still scanning*
Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!!!!” *runs out*
Me: “!?!”
Software Company | Dublin, Ireland
(The office downstairs sometimes calls up to us for tech support. They’re not too great with computers.)
Guy from downstairs: “I think one of the computers has a virus.”
Me: “Ok, which one?”
Guy: “The one in the middle of the office.”
(This seems strange, as I remember that they don’t have any computers in the middle of the room.)
Me: “Have you moved the computers recently?”
Guy: “Yeah, we put it in the middle of the office so the other computers wouldn’t catch the virus!”
(I went downstairs and a disconnected desktop stands in all its glory in the middle of the room. It didn’t have a virus.)
Gas Station | Ames, IA, USA
(A girl pulls up to a gas pump. I’m watching her through the window from behind the cash register as she removes the OUT OF ORDER BAG placed over the pump (clearly marked, bright yellow bag) and throws it in the trash next to her. She plays around with it for a while and then walks toward the door.)
Girl: “Your pumps aren’t working.”
Me: “Go back outside, pull the bag that you just threw away out of the trash and read it. That should solve the problem.”
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One-Woman Wrecking Crew
Airline | Orlando, FL, USA
(I’m a flight attendant, and was doing my pre-takeoff check in the cabin. A man stops me and gestures to the small digital camera sitting in the seat next to him.)
Passenger: “Is it ok if my camera is here for the flight?”
Me: “Sure, sir. That will be fine.”
Passenger: “But shouldn’t I put it in the overhead bin?”
Me: “It should be fine there, but if you’re worried about it falling on the floor during landing you could put it in the overhead bin.”
Passenger: “But after takeoff, won’t it start floating around the cabin?”
Me: “Well, sir, just hold on to it. Once we slingshot around the moon, it will be fine.”
Florida, USA | Pizzeria
(It was literally 3 minutes before closing time, and someone called us.)
Drunk Customer: “Ehhhhhh hello?”
Me: “Sir, we are at closing time.”
Drunk Customer: “Oh… well, can I have a large cheese pizza and a cheeseburger?”
Me: “Sir, it is closing time. We’re done for the day. And we don’t serve burgers.”
Drunk Customer: “Okay, can you just…uuuhhhhh…make me a pizza really fast then?”
Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but we’re closing.”
Drunk Customer: “COME ON! IT’S 10 PM, I’M HUNGRY, AND ALL I WANT IS A PIZZA!”
Me: “Sir, it’s 10:01. We are closed.”
Drunk Customer: *unusually calm* “Okay…I’ll go to McDonald’s.”
Me: “Good night, sir.”
Drunk Customer: “Good night…I love you…” *hangs up*
(Quite frankly, it made my day.)
Tourist Information | Catalina Island, CA
Me: “How can I help you today?”
Customer: “What time does the island close?”
Me: “Close? It doesn’t close. It isn’t like Disneyland, sir. People live here.”
Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I’ve been walking around, and those houses are too small for anyone to live in.”
Me: “Sir, I live in one of those houses.”
Customer’s wife: “No, honey, she can’t break character.” *winks at me* “I get it.”
Customer: “But really, when do you close?”
Me: “I’m not ‘in character.’ This is an actual town, with actual people living in it. It doesn’t close.”
Customer’s wife: “Don’t treat us like we’re children, just tell us when.”
Me: *sigh* “5 o’clock, ma’am. Have a nice day.”
Tech Support | Ottawa, ON, Canada
(I was walking a customer through setting up a fairly complex product.)
Customer: “Next or back?”
Me: “Next.”
Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”
Me: “We do not need to change any of the default settings, so we will be hitting next on the next 7 or 8 screens in a row. Let me know when another option other then next or back appears.”
Customer: *obviously not getting it* “Okay, now do I hit next or back?”
Me: “Hit next, and also hit next on the following 5 or 6 pages until there is no more next button.”
Customer: “Okay, I clicked next. Now do I hit next or back?”
(At this point I am going insane and decide to have a little fun.)
Me: “Click back.”
Customer: “Okay, now next or back?”
Me: “Click next.”
Customer: “Okay, next or back?”
Me: “Click back.”
Customer: “Okay, next or back?”
Me: “Click next.”
Customer: “Okay, next or back?”
Me: “Click back.”
(This goes on for a few minutes until the customer realises what’s going on. Or so I thought…)
Customer: “I think it’s broken, it keeps looping through the same pages!”
Restaurant | Alaska, USA
Tourist: “Are you from here?”
Me: “Yes.”
Tourist: “We are here to see the whales.”
Me: “Oh, that sounds exciting.”
Tourist: “So is there some little place known only to locals where you can watch the whales lay their eggs?”
Me: *trying not to die laughing* “Um…yes there is, but we really aren’t supposed to tell the tourists.”
Tourist: “Come on, please? We’ve come a long way. There’s big tip in it for you.”
Me: “Well, okay. If you go down to the beach around 2am, make really loud whale calls and wave your arms around, it will make them feel welcome. They will swim up to you, dig a hole in the sand with their fins and lay their eggs.”
(I always wondered if she went.)
Tech Support | Idaho, USA
(I get a call for troubleshooting from a lady who says her remote doesn’t work.)
Me: “Ok ma’am, could you try changing the channel for me? Tell me if a light flashes on the remote.”
Lady: “Ok.”
(There are a few loud beeps from her phone in my ear and she comes back on the line.)
Lady: “Nope, no flashing.”
Me: “Ma’am you’re trying to change the channel with your phone, not the remote control.”
Lady: “I can’t find the clicker, and I know my neighbor changes channels with her phone.”
Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not possible.”
Lady: “Don’t accuse me of lying! I saw her do it with my own eyes.”
Me: “…”
(I try for 10 minutes to explain to her why she can’t use her phone, and even make a futile attempt to troubleshoot her phone.)
Me: “Ok, well it looks like your satellite receiver isn’t compatible with your phone.”
Lady: “Yes it is. My neighbor and I have the same phone and same receiver. NOW HELP ME, DUMBA**!”
Me: “Ma’am, do you have a cordless phone?”
Lady: “Yes!”
Me: “Ok ma’am, let’s try reprogramming your phone. What I need you to do is press and hold the ‘off’ button for five seconds. This will clear the old code, so we can put the new one in.”
Lady: “Ok—” *click*
(I hear my supervisor a few rows away from me bust out laughing.)
Related:
Playing Along
Retail | North Bay, ON, Canada
(Note: I wasn’t actually an employee, I was just a regular customer walking around this store. A middle aged woman walks up to me.)
Lady: “Excuse me, do you have any golf clubs?”
Me: “Sorry, I don’t work here.”
Lady: “But you look like you do…”
Me: “Sorry, no…all the employees here have red vests and tags that say ***** ******* on them.”
Lady: “But can you tell me where the golf clubs are?”
Me: “No, I don’t even live in this town [which was true]. I am just looking around.”
Lady: “Well, you’re no help. I might as well look in the other store.” *walks away in a huffy mood*
Me, loudly: “MAYBE IF YOU PAID ME, I’D HELP!”
(278 Thumbs Up!)
