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    Category: Top

    When Press Comes To Shove

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I’m working at a dry cleaners. It’s nearly closing time, so my 6’5″, 250 lb. fiancé is waiting out of sight in the back for me to finish up. A last minute customer arrives.)

    Customer: *angrily* “Are my shirts done yet?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Let me get those for you.”

    (I get the shirts, which the customer has waited a long time to pick up—several weeks. They are therefore not perfectly pressed anymore. The customer inspects them and is clearly not happy.)

    Customer: “This is terrible work! Look at this wrinkle!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but they were—”

    (The customer shoves himself aggressively over the counter and starts yelling abusively in my face.)

    Customer: “WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY DRY CLEANER ARE YOU ANYWAY!?”

    (Suddenly, my fiancé, who has heard all this, whips out from the back of the store and jumps in front of the counter, between me and the abusive customer. He moves to within three inches of the customer’s face, and looks down at him menacingly.)

    Fiancé: *softly, but in deep bass register* “DO. YOU. HAVE. A. PROBLEM?”

    Customer: *cowers back* “No, no…everything’s fine…”

    (The customer grabs his shirts and literally flees out the store.  I never saw him again.)

    Me: *to fiance* “I love you.”

    Some Are Born Deaf To Manners

    | Arkansas, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (We employ a deaf, hard-working lady at our restaurant.)

    Customer: *agitated* “Excuse me, are you the manager?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “That employee over there ignored me. I asked for help, even yelled, and she just walked right by. She is rude!”

    Me: “Sir, she is deaf.”

    Customer: “That doesn’t matter! Your employees must answer when I call!”

    Me: “Sir, she is deaf. She can’t hear you at all. Even if you got her attention, she wouldn’t respond unless you use sign language or let her read your lips.”

    Customer: “Well, then why does she work here?”

    Me: “Because she is a hard worker and does her job well.”

    Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t hire rude people!”

    Me: *shaking my head*

    Eyes Wide Shut

    | Wisconsin, USA | Top

    (Note: I am the customer in this story. This takes place when I am getting a makeover at the cosmetics counter of a department store.)

    Saleswoman: *doing my eye makeup* “Okay, now open!”

    Me: *opens mouth & keeps eyes closed*

    Saleswoman: “I meant your eyes, dear…”

    Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 3

    , | Washington, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work at a store that sells area rugs. We take a fair amount of phone calls from people who have questions regarding area rugs.)

    Me: “[Store], this is [name].”

    Caller: “Hello? I have a question. Can you help me?”

    Me: “Of course, what is your question?”

    Caller: “I can’t get it to stay up!”

    Me: “Oh…um…okay. What do you mean?”

    Customer: “My area rug! It’s old and I love it, but recently I can’t get it to stay up. The…what are they called? Fibers? They are all crushed and won’t stay up!”

    Me: “Oh, I see.”

    Customer: “I’ve been vacuuming it non-stop on all the different settings. It’s not as stiff and thick as it used to be. No matter how hard I suck, it just won’t stay up!”

    Me: *trying to stay composed* “Alright, well that does tend to happen with age. Rugs tend to get pile-crushing after long periods of heavy traffic.”

    Customer: “So, you’re telling me I can’t get it up because it’s old?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, that is exactly what I’m telling you.”

    (I manage to keep it together for the rest of the conversation. However, my manager, who can hear the entire exchange, is cracking-up next to me the entire time. The innuendo was much thicker than her rug!)

    Related:
    Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer, Part 2
    Gravity, The Universal Mood Killer

    The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Back Pain

    | California, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I work at the fitting rooms of a retail store. Two women are trying on bathing suits. They each have had obvious plastic surgery and enormous racks.)

    Customer #1: *dumps a pile of bikinis on my desk* “None of these fit! It’s ridiculous that your store doesn’t carry anything to fit me.”

    Customer #2: “Don’t waste your breath…she wouldn’t understand. Look at how tiny her boobs are!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer #1: “Honey, let me give you my brother’s card. He can give you MUCH better boobs.”

    Customer #2: “He did mine too! Look how bouncy they are!” *jiggles chest*

    Me: “I’m…okay with C-cups, thanks.”

    Customer #1: “Call him if you change your mind! Life is better with huge boobs!”

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