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    It’s High Time To Lay Off The Drugs

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?

    Customer: “Yeah, when do you start lunch?”

    Me: “At 10:30, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Okay, so can I get [large lunch meal]?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, it’s still breakfast.”

    Customer: “But you just said you start lunch at 10:30!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but it’s not 10:30 yet.”

    Customer: “What time is it?”

    Me: “6:00 am, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *long pause* “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was this high when I left the house!”

    Physically Checked In, Mentally Checked Out

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I’m almost done checking in a hotel guest and am giving them the customary closing spiel.)

    Me: “We have a full hot buffet breakfast from 6-10 AM, which is included in your room rate. There is wireless internet throughout, with no password needed to log on. The pool, hot-tub, and gym are at the end of the hallway on the first floor here, and is open from 8 AM to 10 PM. Please let me know if you have any questions. Someone is at the desk 24/7.”

    Guest: “Thank you so much. You’ve been so helpful!”

    Me: “Okay, here are your room keys. The room number is written inside and the elevator is around the corner.”

    Guest: “Great, thanks! Oh, I was just wondering, do you have a breakfast?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we do. It’s from 6-10 AM tomorrow, down here next to the lobby in the breakfast room.”

    (I point to room right next to lobby.)

    Guest: “Okay. Now, I have a laptop. Do you have wireless internet and what’s the password to log on?”

    Me: “Yes, there’s wireless throughout the hotel; there is no password.”

    Guest: “Where’s your gym? Are you open now?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s open until 10 PM. It’s down the hallways.”

    Guest: “Oh, okay. I just wanted to ask everything before you went home for the day because there’s no one here after midnight, I assume.”

    Me: “As I mentioned, there is someone at the desk 24/7.”

    (The guest’s girlfriend/wife, who has been waiting in the car, comes in.)

    Wife: “What’s taking so long?”

    Guest: “I have to ask all these questions because she didn’t tell me anything about the hotel when I checked in!”

    Me: *shakes head and just smiles*

    Guest: “Oh, where’s our room number? You never told me it!”

    Can I Show You My Social Insecurity Card

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Awesome Customers, Top

    (A customer is about to buy an M-rated game, which can only be purchased by people over the age of 17. My store is really strict about checking ID.)

    Me: “And may I see some ID, please?”

    Customer: “Why? What for?”

    Me: “Because this is an M-rated game, and I am required to ask for ID.”

    Customer: “Buddy, I’m 31, and it shows. You don’t need to see my ID.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but I do need to see your ID. Otherwise, I risk my job and the store risks a fine.”

    Customer: “Are you kidding me? Normally, when people ask me for ID, it’s a compliment, but coming from you, you just sound like a bureaucratic snot! Don’t waste my time, and just sell me the d*** game!”

    (Another customer standing behind him taps him on the shoulder.)

    Customer #2: “Hey, you said you’re 31, right?”

    Customer: “Yeah! And this little punk is giving me a hard time about it!”

    Customer #2: “How old is your kid? You may be 31, but you seem a little too young to be the father of a 17-year old, which this game is intended for.”

    Customer: “What are you talking about? I don’t have any kids. This game is for me!”

    Customer #2: *incredulously* “You’re 31 and still play video games?!”

    (The 31-year old customer turns red and leaves the store in a huff. Since he’s gone, I go on to serve the next customer.)

    Customer #2: “I’m actually older than he is and I play games, too. Since he was adamant about not showing his ID, I figured he had insecurities. I thought it would be fun to mess with him a little, and boy was I right!”

    Don’t Mess With The Candyland Gang

    | Northamptonshire, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Top

    (It’s 7 AM Christmas Eve, and our shop has only just opened. I am one of two checkout staff. There are three customers in shop, one of whom is acting edgy and therefore attracts my attention.)

    Me: *to my supervisor* “I think that guy put something in his pocket.”

    (My supervisor keeps an eye on man and sees him pocket a packet of sausages, so she calls security calls security. Half a dozen tall, bulky guys storm over to the checkouts. However, as it is Christmas Eve, they are all dressed up. Supervisor B, who is dressed up as an ice queen, complete with cape and crown, prevents the customer from leaving.)

    Supervisor: “Excuse me, sir, are you sure you’ve paid for everything?”

    Customer: “Um…”

    (He looks up in fear at my supervisor, who is flanked by an angel, a snowman, a Christmas pudding, a Santa, and a guy in a tutu and fairy wings.)

    Customer: “Oh, um, yeah, here’s some other stuff.” *empties pockets* “Sorry, excuse me.”

    (He tries to side step to walk around us, but stumbles into a 6-foot snowman complete with top hat.)

    Customer: “Excuse me…excuse me…excuse me!” *scurries out the door*

    Bread Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

    | Australia | Rude & Risque, Top

    Manager: *laughing* “You’re gonna love this. There was a complaint against you.”

    Me: “Oh, okay?”

    Manager: “Apparently you…um, package bread sticks suggestively.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Manager: “Yeah. This is what the actual complaint says: ‘She slid the bread stick into the paper bag while looking at my husband and smiling. I just know she was trying to flirt with him! We couldn’t even eat it, thanks to that hussy!’”

    (My manager and I crack up laughing. I’m a lesbian.)


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