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    Folie A Deux

    | Illinois, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I am working in the men’s department when a well-dressed, handsome man comes up with a few pairs of pants. Most of them are one size, while one or two are one size larger than that.)

    Me: “Did you find everything okay?”

    Customer: “Yes, thank you.”

    Me: “I see here that these are one size larger than the others. Did you need the two different sizes?”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “Yes, actually, I do.”

    Me: “I was just checking. Sometimes clothes don’t get put back in the proper piles and sizes get mixed up.” *continues ringing him up* “Are you purchasing these as a gift? We can provide you with a gift box.”

    Customer: “Oh, no, both sizes are for me.” *leans in to whisper* “You see, I need one size for most of the time, and another for… that time of the month.”

    Me: *speechless*

    Customer: “Don’t judge me! My wife cooks fattier foods for a whole week when…you know! It’s like Thanksgiving every night for a week!”

    Me: “Oh, wow. I can’t imagine what she’s like while pregnant.”

    Customer: *visibly pales* “I hadn’t thought of that. Oh, no. I can’t have that happen! I’ll get FAT!”

    The 99%

    | Palm Bay, FL, USA | Top

    (Usually, I cashier at my store. It is slow, so I am called to work on the floor.)

    Customer: *recognizing me* “Oh, hey, I didn’t know you worked on the floor!”

    Me: “It’s slow, so they put me to work out here.”

    Customer: “I’m surprised they didn’t just send you home. This place is a graveyard at this time!”

    Me: *laughing* “Afraid they don’t do that. If you have a pulse and can stand in one place, you’re good for work!”

    Customer: “But you do go home right?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Home? No, they have a big cage in the back where they lock us up overnight until they need us again.”

    Customer: *horrified* “Well, I never! I’m never shopping here again if they use slaves!” *storms away before I can say I am only kidding*

    (My shift ends and I’m leaving. I overhear the managers talking.)

    Manager #1: “Some woman called to complain about our slaves.”

    Manager #2: *grinning* “Dang, how’d she find out about that?!”

    Ketchup Me Right Or Don’t Ketchup Me At All

    , | Windsor, ON, Canada | Food & Drink, Top

    (I am a manager at a popular fast food restaurant and currently serving customers in the drive thru. I have a headset on to hear what customers are saying at the speaker.)

    Coworker: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I just came through here and got small fries, and I got NO ketchup! I want new fries WITH ketchup!”

    Coworker: “Okay, sorry about that ma’am. Just pull to the second window and our manager will help you.”
    (I prepare the new fries and put them in a bag, and make sure to grab a handful of ketchup packets to accompany them as she comes up to my window.)

    Me: “Sorry about that, ma’am! Here you are. The fries just came up!”

    Customer: “How can you give someone fries with no ketchup!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am! Have a good day!”

    (Thinking that would be the end of ketchupgate, I resume my other regular duties. Ten minutes later, the same woman, now irate, storms into the lobby and up to the counter with her food bag in hand.)

    Me: “Hi there, ma’am, is there anything I can help you with?”

    (She overturns her empty bag and several unopened ketchup packets spill onto the counter.)

    Customer: “You gave me nine ketchup packets for one small fries?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You gave me NINE KETCHUP PACKETS for ONE small fries! Are you trying to be smart?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, didn’t you return to the drive thru for the sole reason of getting ketchup?”

    Customer: “But NINE ketchup packets?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I suppose I just wasn’t aware of how much ketchup you wanted.”

    Customer: “I demand to speak with your manager!”

    (I look at my uniform and then the surrounding crew members’ uniforms. My uniform is quite clearly different from all others.)

    Me: “I am the only manager on duty, ma’am.”

    Customer: “YOU’RE the manager?!”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “And you gave me NINE packets of ketchup?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Well what do you have to say for yourself?”

    Me: “I suppose I am pleased to know that I was able to go above and beyond your expectations for ketchup sustenance.”

    Customer: *storms off muttering incoherently*

    Donuts Or Donuts, There Is No Try

    | Manila, Philippines | Food & Drink, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Five boxes, dozen donuts each, right now.”

    Me: “Okay, is there any specific–”

    (Suddenly, I hear a woman screaming in the background.)

    Woman: “Donuts! NOW!”

    (The caller gets back on the phone.)

    Caller: “Whatever flavors you have. Five dozen donuts A-S-A-motherf***ing-P!”

    Me: “Um, alright, that’ll be [price]. How much change should our deliveryman bring?”

    Caller: “I will give your delivery guy all the money I have in the house! Just get him here before my wife sits on me and hits me with the freakin’ remote control!”

    Don’t Tell The Methodists

    | Texas, USA | Religion, Top

    Customer: “I’d like 50 Christmas stamps, please.”

    Me: “What denomination?”

    Customer: *befuddled* “Oh, my, has it come to this? Um, give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 of the Baptists.”


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