Tech Support | Harrisburg, PA, USA
Me: “Thank you for calling C** Technologies, how can I help?”
Customer, very irate: “Yeah! I didn’t pay my internet bill and now its saying my account is suspended and I want to know why!”
Me: “Okay, you didn’t pay your bill, we suspended your account and you would like to know why?”
Customer: “Yes! Why? Why did you suspend it?”
Me: “Alright, let me take a look here…my system shows it suspended the account because you didn’t pay the last bill we sent.”
Customer: “I know I didn’t pay the bill! Have a little f**king sympathy here! Are you customer service??”
Me: “I’m tech support.”
Customer: “Where is customer service at?!?”
Me: “Our billing department handles all our customer service issues, I’ll transfer you down to them.”
Customer: “You’re acting like a real a**hole you know that? You need to have more empathy for people!”
Me, in the most uppity happy-go-lucky voice ever conceived; I almost gagged from bringing so much joy up: “You have yourself a fabulously sunshine-filled day, sir!”
Customer: “WHATS YOUR F**KING NA–” *click*
(Gotta love that transfer button…)
Help Desk | Texas, USA
(Yet another power cord/paint dispenser story…)
Me: “Okay, it’s not plugged in.”
Him: “It’s plugged in–it goes right to the back of the computer!”
Me: “No, that’s a serial cable, not a power cable.”
Him: “What’s this orange one then?”
Me: “That connects the computer to the network. It’s also not a power cable and doesn’t connect to the dispenser anyway. The one for the dispenser is black and has a three-prong plug on the end.”
Him: “Listen to me, young lady, I have been on this earth for 56 years and I know what a power cord looks like!”
Me: “Yes, well, I’ve been on this earth 34 years and I know that some things have to be plugged into an outlet to work.”
Him: …
Me: …
Him: “Oh. There it is. Okay, it’s working now. Thanks.”
Pizza | Portland, OR, USA
Me: “Welcome to *** Pizza, how can I help you?”
Customer (sincerely): “Do you have any Chinese food?”
Me: “Errr…no.”
Customer (still earnest): “Ohhh…really? What about Thai food?”
Me: “Oh! Yes.”
Customer: “Really?”
Me: “No. Not really. Just pizza.”
Real Estate | Milwaukee, WI, USA
(My boss is a realtor; she has sign toppers for various occasions. This one happened to be for the Christmas season: “Home for the Holidays”.)
Customer: “I’m calling about the ‘Home for the Holidays’ house.”
Me: “Sure, what’s the address?”
(She reads it to me.)
Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”
Customer: “When can I move in?”
Me: “Excuse me? I’m sorry–do you mean you want to write an offer for the house?”
Customer: “No, it says ‘Home for the Holidays.’ I want to move in before Christmas.”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We’re not giving the house away, we’re selling it.”
Customer: “Well I can’t afford a house!” *click*
toy store | Florence, KY, USA
(This is after we’re all done with our transaction. I’m half-Jewish, so I celebrate Hanukkah, which was currently going on.)
Me: “Have a great day, ma’am.”
Customer: “Merry Christmas!”
Me, completely sincere: “And Happy Hanukkah to you!”
Customer: *flails her arms and screams happily* “No it’s about Jesus! It’s Jesus’s birthday! You have to worship Jesus! It’s all about Jesus! Love Jesus!”
Related:
When Generations Collide
Home Furnishings | Austin, TX, USA
Me: “Okay, and if you could just sign the top line of this receipt copy for the return, you’ll be all set.”
Customer: “Wait, this isn’t my correct address. This address printed on this receipt is not mine.”
Me: “Yes ma’am, I realize that. However, our cash registers make us enter address and telephone information whenever anyone does a return or exchange. It’s for fraud prevention, etc. However, whenever I request a customer’s address, they panic, clutch their purse to their chest and hiss, ‘Why would you need to know that?’ Or they shout, ‘I’m not getting on any more god damn mailing lists!’ or they are conspiracy theorists who are convinced that I’m an agent of the government monitoring their spending habits through my DOS-based cash register. Or they think I want to come and hang out with them after I get off work. And it really doesn’t matter how many times I try to explain that it’s a fraud prevention requirement and that I’m neither immediately passing it on to Big Brother nor to my drug dealer named Tito. So I make up addresses because I don’t particularly want to have these conversations anymore.”
Customer, after a long pause: “Yes, that’s a very good plan you’ve come up with.” *scampers away from me*
Related:
Why Asking Why Is A Bad Idea
ISP | Kansas, USA
Customer: “I’d like to buy the Internet, please.”
Sales: “The whole thing?”
Travel Agent | Pendel, PA, USA
Customer, calling from a cell phone: “Would you tell me how to get to your office?”
Me: “Sure, where are you now?”
Customer: “That is none of your business. Just tell me how to get there.”
Me: “But to do that, I need to know where you are starting from. Are you in our town?”
Customer: “I told you that is none of your $%@# business.”
(After few more exchanges of this sort…)
Customer: “You are an idiot. Let me speak to your manager.”
Manager, who overheard part of the conversation already: “May I help you?”
Customer: “Tell me how to get to your office.”
Manager: “Well, that depends on where you are starting from.”
Customer: “&@#$#!! Just $%%@# tell me how to get there.”
Manager: “Okay. See the next corner? Turn right there.”
Customer: *click*
Related:
You Be Telepathic So I Can Be Lazy
(Telepathic) Help Wanted
Electronics Store | Seattle, WA, USA
(Customer calls requesting a cable.)
Customer: “Hi. I am trying to connect my iPod to my stereo.”
Me: “Okay. Do you have a receiver, a small shelf system, or a boombox?”
Customer: “It’s a smaller stereo.”
Me: “Okay. Do you have a small plug that looks like a headphone plug that is labeled AUX, Audio IN, or anything of the sort?”
Customer: “Yes, there is a small round plug that says AUX.”
Me: “Okay, that’s easy. All you need is a 3.5mm male-to-male RCA cable.”
Customer: “Male-to-male as in boy-to-boy.”
Me, knowing what is coming next and not caring: “Yes, it is just referring to whether it is a plug or a receptor of a plug.”
Customer: “Well, you are just disgusting!”
Me: “Sorry ma’am, that is just an industry standard term.”
Customer: “That is just one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard!”
Me: “Sounds good.”
Customer: *hangs up*
Tech Support | Tokyo, Japan
Me, checking a customer’s network connection: “…so you double-click with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.”
Customer: “What? Double-kick?”
Me: “No, double-click; I mean you click twice, consecutively with the left button of your mouse on the Local Area Connection icon.”
Customer: “Double-kick?”
Me: “Yes, double-kick your monitor.”
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