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    Category: Top

    Calling B.S. On Your B.S.

    | Michigan, USA | Liars & Scammers, Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [university]. What can I help you with today?”

    Caller: “Yes, hi. I would like to know how to be an alumni. Like, how do I get the alumni membership of this university?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, have you graduated from our university?”

    Caller: “No.”

    Me: “So you are still attending this university at the moment?”

    Caller: “No. I just want the benefits. I can get money off on my insurance, but I need you to make me an alumni officially.”

    Me: “Have you ever attended our university?”

    Caller: *impatient* “No! Can you just tell me how to do this?”

    Me: “Well, an alumni is someone who has graduated with an actual degree from the university. You cannot be an alumni unless you have graduated with a degree.”

    Caller: *silent*

    Me: “One of our degrees.”

    Caller: *still silent*

    Me: “Only graduates from our university can have our alumni benefits.”

    Caller: “What?!”

    Me: “You can’t be an alumni and have those benefits without graduating from here.”

    Caller: “What? I just want it for insurance. How come you can’t understand this?!”

    (This went on for another fifteen minutes before she gave up!)

    Dovahkiin’s Day Off

    | Hamburg, Germany | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Skyrim, a popular video game, has just been released. As a result, we are overwhelmed by people who have come to retrieve pre-ordered games and others who haven’t pre-ordered. We’ve just run out of non-pre-ordered games when a customer comes in. He’s holding an empty Skyrim box.)

    Customer: “Oh, hi. I would like to buy Skyrim on PC, please.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, we’ve just run out of it. The only ones we have left are pre-ordered.”

    Customer: “Aw, come on, man! You must have some left in the back! Please, go check!”

    Me: “No, I’m sure we ran out of those. Same for PS3 and Xbox versions. Come back tomorrow morning; we’ll be resupplied.”

    (He moans about it for at least 5 minutes before giving up and begins wandering around the store. At this moment, another customer comes in to retrieve a pre-ordered PC version of Skyrim. Before we can say or do anything, the first customer LEAPS on the man, snatches the game from his hands and runs away, with me in tow followed by security. During the chase, the thief screams as if we are going to murder him.)

    Customer: “LEAVE ME ALONE, IT’S MINE! IT’S MYYYYYYYYYYYY GAME!”

    (A few meters later, he crosses the path of a tall man who, seeing and hearing the commotion, screams something to the thief. The tall man then rams the thief with his shoulder, sending the poor kid fly backwards and landing a least half a meter away. As the thief is being taken away by security and I’m retrieving the game box, I talk to the tall man.)

    Me: “Sir, what did you yell to him before grabbing him?”

    Tall Man: “Promise you won’t laugh?”

    Me: “Okay.”

    Tall Man: “FUS RO DAH!”

    (FYI, “Fus Ro Dah” is a spell in Skyrim that allows players to violently push enemies and objects around. I couldn’t avoid laughing, and neither could he!)

    Courtesy Is For Commoners

    | Virginia, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (A mom and her 3 year old daughter come up to my counter.)

    Customer: “Tell the lady what you want, sweetie.”

    Customer’s Daughter: “I want an ICEE!”

    Customer: “What do you say?”

    Customer’s Daughter: “And make it fast!”

    Customer: “What?! You do NOT say that! We are talking to your father when we get home!”

    Self Disservice, Part 2

    | Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Family & Kids, Top

    (I work in the kids’ section of a bookstore that also sells toys and games. I notice that a child has caused the entire display to collapse. I find the mother after making sure the child didn’t hurt himself.)

    Me: “Hi, are you the mother?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “We ask that you look after your children while in [store name]. You need to be with the child and not in another section of the store if they cannot be trusted alone.”

    Customer: “But I don’t want to.”

    Me: “…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I don’t want to look after my child.”

    Me: *confused* “Well I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s not my job to raise your child for you.”

    Customer: “But I want you to!”

    Related:
    Self Disservice

    All’s Well That Spends Well

    | England, UK | Technology, Top

    (I sell phones for a specific provider in the UK. Part of my job includes providing basic tech support to customers and sending their phones to repair if they’re broken beyond my means to fix. A guy walks in with a smartphone that clearly isn’t working right; The display is flickering and changing randomly.)

    Customer: *slams phone down hard on my desk* “My phone’s broken!”

    Me: “Let me have a quick look…”

    (I try the basics: restarting the phone, looking for any obvious signs of physical damage, etc. When I take the battery out to look at the liquid damage indicators, I can see they’ve clearly been activated.)

    Me: “Ooh, yikes! Your phone’s water damaged sir, and badly so by the looks of it. I’m afraid it won’t be repairable, by me or our repair centre.”

    Customer: “But I’ve never got it wet.”

    Me: “Maybe you haven’t sir, but something has. These indicators…” *pointing them out* “…only change colour when they get wet. These are bright red, meaning the phone got very wet at some point, and the warranty doesn’t cover that kind of damage.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not? I pay good money for this service. I want my phone fixed!”

    Me: “And normally I’d happily send it to repair for you, but if I do that now, all they will do is send it back unrepaired with a £20 admin charge for running a diagnostic on it.”

    Customer: “So, what do I do? I need my phone!”

    Me: “I understand it’s frustrating when this happens, sir, but the manufacturer’s warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage. The repair team won’t repair it either, as it’s beyond economical repair. You’ll need to buy a new phone or claim this one on your insurance.”

    Customer: “There it is! I knew you just wanted to get me to buy something! Well, I’m not buying anything! Send my phone in, and get it fixed—right now!”

    Me: “Very well, sir. I was just trying to save you some grief.”

    (I book his phone in for repair, and it goes out the next day. Sure enough, a few days later, it returns unrepaired and with an admin charge for £20 due to liquid damage rendering it unrepairable. The customer comes back to collect it and flips out when he sees it hasn’t been repaired.)

    Customer: “What the f*** is wrong with you people?! I didn’t get my f***ing phone wet! It’s not my f***ing fault! Fix my motherf***ing godd*** phone right now or I’m canceling my f***ing contract!”

    Me: “Please stop swearing, sir. I did say this would happen, but you refused to believe me. Also, you can’t cancel your contract because you caused irreparable damage to your handset. The SIM card and services are still fully functional, so no part of the contract has been broken by us.”

    Customer: “THIS IS A F***ING SCAM! YOU’RE ALL F***ING THIEVES!” *starts shouting at other customers in the store* “DON’T BUY ANYTHING FROM HERE! THEY’RE ALL A BUNCH OF F***ING IDIOTS AND THIEVES!” *storms out*

    (After the angry customer leaves, the next customer in line comes up to my desk.)

    Next Customer: “Do you get that a lot?”

    Me: “Far, far more often than logic dictates I should.”

    Next Customer: “You’ve got the patience of a saint, mate. Would selling me a new contract on [our most popular phone and plan] help?”

    Me: “A lot, actually!”

    Next Customer: “Sweet! Here’s my card and ID. GIMME!” *smiles*

    (The rest of the day was a lot better, but I still get people like the angry customer every few days. Last I checked, his contract was being chased up by debt collectors for non-payment of bills.)

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