(It is a hot day after closing time. I am, sweeping up with the drive-thru windows open, and a customer drives up.)

Customer: “Excuse me, are you still open?”

Me: “No, sorry, we closed at six. I’m just finishing up to go home.”

Customer: “So you can’t make me a coffee?”

Me: “Sorry, no, I already turned off everything and cleaned all the machines.”

Customer: “But your windows are open.”

Me: “Yeah, It’s pretty hot in here, so I left them–”

Customer: “If your windows are open, it means you are open! You shouldn’t leave the windows open! It confuses people, and I think you should make me a coffee!”

Me: “Well, I can see how you might be confused, and I’m sorry. I turned off all the ‘open’ signs, and our hours are posted. We close at six, so we’re closed.”

Customer: “You’re windows are open! Make me a f***ing coffee now!”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t. Everything is turned off! Do you want an Italian soda, or maybe a muffin?”

Customer: “You can sell me a muffin when you’re closed?”

Me: “Well, yeah. I don’t need the machines to give you a muffin. What kind do you want?”

Customer: “I don’t want your f***ing muffin! You are deliberately withholding coffee from me! I am an American! You are violating my rights!” *customer proceeds to scream racial and sexist slurs at me*

Me: “Oh, gosh, you know what?”

Customer: “What?”

(I slam the window shut, and yell through the glass.)

Me: “Sorry! My window’s shut! We must be closed!”

Me: “Your total comes to $2.15.”

Child Customer: “Okay.”

(He slides his card, touches the key pad and reaches for his things.)

Me: “Hun, you paid through gift card and there wasn’t enough to cover it all. You’re short 46 cents.”

Child Customer: “Oh, um…can you just remove something?”

Me: “I can’t cancel a transaction in the middle of it.”

Child Customer: “Well, I don’t want the drink no more.”

Me: “Look, I’ll cover the rest but next time just make sure you know how much is on your card or ask us to check before hand.”

(I go through my pocket and pull out a dollar to cover the change after not being able to find enough change to cover the rest. I finish cashing it out and notice the kid’s still there, hand held out and ready to receive change back.)

(I am the first person to arrive at work in the morning, and I answer a call literally as soon as I walk into the door.)

Caller: “Finally! I have been calling since 5 am! You people should be ashamed, I have an emergency!”

Me: “I’m sorry, no one gets here until 10 am most days. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I have a serious problem! My daughter has planned to have a date sometime today at your theater, and I told her she was not allowed to go! I need you to cancel her ticket!”

(I see no pre-sales for the day at all.)

Me: “Well no one has bought a ticket so far for today, so I can’t really help. Maybe you should just make her stay home?”

Caller: “Well I can’t do that, she lives in her own place and I can’t get over there in time to stop her.”

Me: “So just how old is your daughter anyway?”

Caller: “She’s 28.”

Me: “Ma’am, she’s an adult and I cannot refuse her a ticket because you do not approve of her date.”

Caller: “You don’t understand! He’s a Democrat!”

(Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside/)

Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”

(We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)

Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”

(We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)

Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”

Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”

Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”

(The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)

Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”

(The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)

Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”

Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”

Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–" *pushes index finger into my chest* "–threatened to break his legs!”

Me: “I can tell you, now, Ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”

Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”

Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment and disturbing the peace.”

(The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)

Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”

Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”

Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*

Me: “So do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”

(I have a caller named Victor Krumm in the computer system. I’m a Harry Potter fan.)

Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re Victor Krumm?”

Caller: “Yep, that’s me.”

Me: “Sorry, this might sound funny, but did you know that there’s a book series called Harry Potter with a character with that name?”

(There’s a pause, as if he’s thinking, and suddenly he yells.)

Caller: “THE MUGGLES KNOW!”

(He hangs up. His wife calls a little while later to actually schedule.)