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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Category: Top

    Satisfaction Level: Impossible

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Top

    (I am the manager on duty on a Sunday afternoon when I receive a phone call from an upset lady.)

    Caller: “I need to complain about my car I had there on Friday night before you closed. They didn’t fix my car!”

    Me: “Did they say why not?”

    Caller: “They made up something about not having a part, but I know it was because they were lazy and didn’t want to fix it!”

    Me: “Well, that’s a bit unusual. My guys get paid on commission and want to do every job possible so they can make more money.”

    Caller: “No! They were just being lazy! I had to take my car to the dealership on Monday and they were able to fix it right away!”

    Me: “Ma’am, the dealership carries all of those parts. That’s where we get our parts from if we can’t get them from any other source. If it was late on a Friday night, the dealership was probably already closed.”

    Caller: “Bull****! I am VERY upset about your poor service! I thought you were the manager! I want to know what you are going to do for me about this!”

    Me: “I’m sorry we weren’t able to help you to your satisfaction, ma’am. I can’t give you a refund because we didn’t charge you anything. I’d offer to fix the car at a discount, but you say it’s already been fixed. What is it you would like for me to do for you, ma’am?”

    Caller: “Well, you know what you’re supposed to do in these cases!”

    Me: “Well, normally I’d offer a discount or a refund, but neither of those would help you. Is there anything else I can offer you? I am sorry for your inconvenience.”

    Caller: “I don’t want your stupid apology! I can’t believe you are refusing to help me!”

    Me: “I’m not refusing, Ma’am. I just don’t know what it is you want.”

    Caller: “You know what I want!! I want you to do what you’re supposed to!”

    Me: “And what is that?”

    Caller: “You know what you’re supposed to do! I’m going to call your corporate office and have you fired!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if you don’t tell me what it is you want, I don’t know what to do for you.”

    Caller: “Don’t give me that! I’m going to have you fired!” *hangs up*

    Watch What You Say

    | New York, NY, USA | Top

    (I am the manager on duty for a well-known high-end jewelry store during the weekend.)

    Employee: “You have to come out and see this customer now.”

    Me: “What’s the matter?”

    Employee: “She is becoming belligerent because I told her we have to send her watch to be fixed. She’s causing a scene and other customers are complaining. She is insistent that she needs it now.”

    (I go out to talk to the customer.)

    Me: “Hello, my name is [name]. What seems to be the issue?”

    Customer: “I have been waiting a f***ing hour! Your stupid representative told me that my watch isn’t working any more; it was working when I walked in!”

    Me: “Let me have a look at it, please.”

    (I proceed to touch her beat down and heavily abused watch and begin winding the crown.)

    Customer: “Do you even know how to work a watch?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I have been with (company) for several years. I assure you I can work a crown and pin mechanism on a quartz watch.”

    Customer: “I wasn’t trying to be condescending!”

    Me: “That’s fine.”

    (We proceed to go back and forth for a few minutes. I decide to refund her money and send her on her way. By now, her mood has changed from angry to happy.)

    Customer: “Oh, you’re just so wonderful! You are the absolute best! I am going to write a recommendation letter to your director and put my ‘ESQ’ after my name.” *smugly* “I’m a lawyer, you know.”

    Me: “Oh, I’ve got my own lawyer, thanks. My husband works for [huge NYC law firm].”

    Customer: *stunned* “Uh…I also work for [same firm]. Who is your husband?”

    Me: “He’s in Litigation. His name is [husband's name].”

    (Suddenly, the customer’s jaw drops and all color leaves her face.)

    Customer: “He’s your husband? Um…he supervises all my work.”

    Me: “Does he now? Well, well, what a small world!”

    Customer: “I…uh…am a temp attorney and am trying to get a permanent job at the firm. He is…wow…he’s really smart and brilliant and…um…you are so beautiful and intelligent…you make such an elegant couple!”

    Me: “Thank you. Anyway, here’s my business card should you need to follow up regarding your watch.”

    Customer: “Oh, I know I have a business card somewhere, too.”

    Me: “Oh, don’t you worry; I will most definitely remember your name. I’ll make sure to let my husband know you send your regards.”

    Customer: *turns bright red and slinks away*

    The (Percolating) Patience Of A Saint

    | Colorado, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I manage a well-known chain coffee location. We had a minor price increase on some items about a month before.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir. What can I get you today?”

    Customer: “Medium coffee.”

    Me: “Sure, that will be $2.17.”

    Customer: “Two…WHAT?!”

    Me: “$2.17?”

    Customer: “When did that start? It was two dollars even!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We had a minor price increase about a month ago.”

    (At this point, the customer has paid and received his drink and is now holding up the line.)

    Customer: “I haven’t stopped drinking coffee in the last month! It’s been two dollars and that’s what it is! I don’t know where you get off charging me more all of the sudden, but that’s just crap!”

    Me: “Sir, our prices are set by corporate and we have no control, so I’m sorry if you don’t like the price. I can give you a refund if you don’t want the drink, but the lady behind—”

    Customer: “Don’t tell me what to do!! I want this coffee! Look, I’ve already put my face on the cup!”  

    (He then emphasizes the point by mashing his mouth into the lid.)

    Customer: “…and you have my money! Oh…and you’re ‘Sorry’? Do you know what that means in the dictionary?!”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “No, you frickin’ don’t! It means you aren’t worth anything and that’s what I think of this place. It’s SORRY!”

    (During this final tirade, he is waving his cup around and it’s apparent that the woman behind him is afraid one of us will be splashed.)

    Me: “Sir, I apologize for your confusion. If you don’t like the prices, you don’t need to spend your money here. You have my apology, so please take your coffee and have a great day.”

    (He stares at me blankly for a moment and then wheels around and storms out. The woman who was behind him steps up to the counter. Surprisingly, she reaches out to shake my hand.)

    Next customer: “I don’t know how you stayed calm during that. He almost hit you with hot coffee! I just wanted to shake the hand of a saint before I got my latte!”

    BOGO: Buy One Give One

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (I’ve been helping a customer who’s about to get a great deal because of a BOGO promotion in the store. She also has a coupon for a free item. Even I am impressed with the amount of products she’ll get for free. I’ve been helping her select lotions and fragrances on the floor.)

    Customer: “Well, I have so much already. I don’t know what to pick out next. What would you recommend? What’s your favorite fragrance?”

    (I show her my favorite fragrance and she adds a lotion to her bag before she heads to the register to check out. She comes back to me after she makes her purchases.)

    Customer: “Thanks so much for your help today!”

    (Surprisingly, she hands me a bag from our store with an item in it. Inside is my favorite lotion; she had used her coupon to treat me!)

    Bigots Will Only Get Stonewalled

    | Indiana, USA | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Top

    (I’m a cashier at a newly opened gas station. It is the first of its chain in the area. As such, many of the customers are asking questions about the store. Since we’re new, I’m trying my best to be extra friendly and helpful to everyone. An old woman approaches me with several items. She looks rather concerned.)

    Customer: “So…are you a gas station or a grocery store?”

    Me: “Both, ma’am. We’re all about convenience.”

    Customer: “And what sorts of customers come here?”

    Me: “Well, we’ve just opened, ma’am, so its hard to say at this point.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to shop at a store for God-hating homosexuals.”

    Me: “Come again?”

    Customer: “You heard me!”

    (I do my best to maintain a neutral stance and begin scanning her items as quickly as possible.)

    Me: “Ma’am, by policy we can’t turn away customers.”

    (She gives me a strange look and her eyes widen.)

    Customer: “You’re one of them aren’t you!?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “You’re a f*****!”

    Me: “I’m not, actually, but it is my job to serve any customer that comes to my register.”

    Customer: “I will never come here again! May God have mercy on your sinful soul!”

    (I stand there for a few moments absolutely dumbstruck. Meanwhile, two older gentlemen in matching lavender shirts come up to my register and drop a $50 bill in my tip jar while only purchasing a single gallon of milk. One of them grins and looks me in the eye.)

    Older gentleman: “Doesn’t matter if you’re on ‘our team’ or not. We’re coming here every day from now on.”


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