October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Top

To Conjugate A Thief

| San Francisco, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

(Although I don’t look like it, I am fluent in Japanese and Korean. I am working at a register, checking out a Japanese family that is buying snacks.)

Father: *in Japanese* “Son, when the cashier isn’t looking, put the candy bars in your pockets so we don’t have to pay for them.”

(Hearing this, I add the candy bars to the purchase. The family pays and leaves. Two minutes later, the father returns.)

Father: “Why did you charge me for four candy bars?! I didn’t buy any candy bars! You just charged me to make extra money! I want to see your manager!”

Me: *in Japanese* “Maybe you should come up with your plans to steal 89 cent candy bars BEFORE you come up to the register.”

(The father was stunned. He apologized and left embarrassed.)

Kernel Panic

| Illinois, USA | Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I’m working at my local electronics store as a technician. A customer in her mid-30s walks up with a laptop.)

Customer: “There’s something wrong with my laptop screen. It’s all screwed up!”

Me: “Screwed up like how? Can you please be more specific, ma’am?”

Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it. The picture’s all warped, and there are these funny multicolored lines on it.”

Me: “Well, let me take a look at it…”

(The customer sets the laptop on the counter and I turn it on. As soon as it turns on, it is obvious that the laptop screen is cracked.)

Me: “Wow! It looks like the screen has an internal crack in it. What happened? Did the laptop fall? Was it struck with something?”

(The customer looks at me sheepishly for a few moments, and then she responds.)

Customer: “Last night, I was online and I was eating pistachios. One of them had a really hard shell. So, I took the nut, set it on the laptop, and closed the lid on it so the shell would crack.”

Me: “You tried to crack open a nut with your laptop?!”

Customer: “Well, yeah. I didn’t think a pistachio would break my laptop!”

Hot Tub Size Machine

| Orlando, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Top

(I work as a lifeguard at a swimming pool in a hotel. On the pool deck, we also have a large hot tub. As a rule, kids aren’t allowed in the tub for more than 15 minutes due to health hazards. I notice a kid, no older than six, who has been in the tub longer than 15 minutes.)

Me: “I’m sorry, young man, but you are going to have to get out of the hot tub now.”

Kid: “No!”

Kid’s Mom: “Sweety, you need to come back in the pool now. The nice lady said that you had to get out.”

Kid: “I don’t wanna!”

(His mom gives me this lost, “no clue what to do” look.)

Me: “Hey, I know you are a big, strong, tough guy and all, and you can probably handle a lot worse than me. However, I gotta tell you: the thing about these hot tubs is that they stunt your growth.”

Kid: *worried* “What does that mean?”

Me: “It means that you shrink. I remember when I was your age, I hung out in a hot tub for twenty minutes, and I shrank to the size of a Barbie doll. Never did grow back to my original size, either.”

(The kid looks more than a little worried now, but obviously still doesn’t want to get out.)

Me: “…And to be honest, you look a little smaller than you did when you first got in.”

(I have never seen someone get out of a hot tub so fast in my life.)

Not Always Indeed

| Franklin Park, PA, USA | Food & Drink, Love/Romance, Top

Male Customer: “Hi, we’d like to get two Frappuccinos.”

Me: “Sure, what kind?”

Male Customer: “What was that kind we wanted?”

Female Customer: “The java chip ones.”

Me: “Alright, what sizes would you like?”

Female Customer: “Grandes.”

Male Customer: *almost at same time* “Ventis.”

Me: “So…you’d like a grande, and you would like a venti?”

(The customers look at each other.)

Female Customer: “No. We have to have them the same.”

Me: “Oh, alright. So, which size would you both like then?”

Male Customer: “Ugh, obviously what I said! Obviously, you’re not married!”

Female Customer: “Seriously, you young single feminists! You’d be wise to learn that husbands and wives always do things the same! And you are to be submissive to him! How else do you think our marriage has lasted so long?”

Me: “Ah, well, I actually am married, and my husband and I like to do things differently from each other. We find it keeps things interesting.”

Female Customer: “Your marriage is doomed! Oh, I can’t believe the attitude of you young people. Just make us the Frappuccinos so I don’t have to look at you anymore!”

Me: “Alright, two venti java chips, coming up…”

(The whole time I’m making these, I hear them having an argument about how the woman will never be able to drink the whole thing and it was a waste of money, she really would have liked a different flavor, etc.)

Me: “Here you go, two venti java chip Frappuccinos.”

Male Customer: “You’re way too young to be married, by the way! What is it with you teenagers and taking marriage so lightly?”

Me: “Well, I’m actually 26, and my husband and I dated for over 7 years before becoming engaged.”

Male Customer: “NO!”

Me: “…Sorry?”

Male Customer: “No! You’re lying! You’re obviously a teenager and you obviously got married without thinking about it first!”

Female Customer: “…And it’s doomed to fail because you clearly don’t know how a real marriage works! And don’t argue! The customer is always right!”

Me: “Not always…”

Sometimes, It’s Best To Put On A Show

| Chicago, IL, USA | Top

Caller: “Hello, I would like to buy five tickets to the show on Saturday.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re sold out.”

Caller: “I know. I called before and heard the message. I also tried to buy tickets online, but it wouldn’t let me. I would like five tickets, please.”

Me: “We have no tickets available. We are sold out. That is why you couldn’t purchase them online.”

Caller: “Just because you are sold out doesn’t mean there aren’t more seats. There are always more seats!”

Me: “We have no more seats. We will have no more seats the night of the show. All of our seats are accounted for. I’m sorry, but we can’t help you at this time.”

Caller: “That’s bulls***! Give me five tickets. I have my credit card ready.”

Me: “Ma’am, regards of that fact, I still have no tickets to sell you. None.”

Caller: “Take my credit card number and give me the seats!”

Me: “Even if we had seats, I can’t process your card over the phone.”

Caller: “Well, we’re going to come to the theater on Saturday night and then you will HAVE to let us in!”

Me: “Please don’t. There will be no tickets, and we will turn you and your friends away. Please save yourself the trip. We would love to be able to accommodate everyone, but we have no more seats to sell. I’m really sorry that we can’t help you out. Let me check and see if there are any other burlesque shows happening that night that I would recommend giving a try.”

Caller: “Five seats, now!”

Me: “…Of the zero seats available?”

Caller: “Let me talk to the manager!”

Me: “The manager? Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m the only person there is to talk to.”

Caller: “There is ALWAYS a manager. Just because you don’t want to get in trouble for being a bad customer service person doesn’t mean I won’t keep calling back until I talk to your boss. MANAGER! NOW!”

(There really isn’t a manager I can put on the phone, so I put her on hold, wait about 30 seconds, and without changing or disguising my voice, continue the conversation.)

Me: “Hello? How can I help you?”

Caller: “Your employee is very rude and unhelpful.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I will punish her terribly. What can I help you with?”

Caller: “I want to buy five tickets to the show on Saturday.”

Me: “An excellent choice! Our holiday show is one of the best Revues to come to. It’s such a shame that we’re completely sold out.”

Caller: “I want those secret extra tickets that theaters always have. I know you have them!”

(It’s clear that I’m not getting through to her, so I decide to improvise.)

Me: *whisper* “You want the extra tickets?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “The…secret ones?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t sell those to you.”

Caller: “Well, why not?!”

Me: “Somebody already bought them. In fact, they were so desperate to get them, they paid twice as much!”

(With that explanation, the caller suddenly becomes friendly, as if the rest of the conversation never happened.)

Caller: “Ooooh! D***, that sucks. Oh, well…thanks!” *hangs up*

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