Me: “Thank you for calling [name of store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I was wondering where your Louisville location is.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We do not have a store in that area.”

Caller: “Oh, okay.”

(Ten minutes later, the phone rings again. It is the same woman.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [name of store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I was just wondering where your Louisville location is. The last girl I talked to sounded like a Taurus, and my horoscope today said I cannot trust one of those people.”

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. I’m a Scorpio. You can trust me when I say that we do not currently have a store in Louisville.”

Caller: “You mean [store name] hired a Scorpio? Those are the worst! Have your owners call me when they fire you so that I can finally go back there!” *hangs up*

Me: “And how would you like that $500?”

Customer: “In one bill.”

Me: *trying to be nice* “Would five hundreds do?”

Customer: “No! One bill!”

(I give her five hundreds, and she throws them back at me. My supervisor comes over.)

Supervisor: “Problem?”

Customer: “Yes, he refuses to give me what I want.”

Supervisor: “There is no $500 bill.”

Customer: “Yes there is!”

Supervisor: “Not since the late 1800′s ma’am.”

Customer: “I remember seeing it!”

Supervisor: “Then might I say you look great for your age!”

(I was at work and I saw two girls from my college I knew as acquaintances, but not as much more than that. I had a crush on one of them as she was really pretty and seemed nice for the most part. I watched as she and her friend approached the register.)

My Crush: “No, you’re wrong! I’m telling you, he never said that!”

(I assumed they were gossiping about something until I listened a little more to the conversation.)

Her Friend: “No, he did! He totally did! We watched it last night, stupid!”

My Crush: “Obi-Wan never says, ‘I love you, Anakin’. The line is ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you!’.”

Her Friend: “No!”

My Crush: *turns to me* “Oh hey [my name]! What’s up?”

Me: “Not much. I’m good. And you’re right; Obi-Wan’s line was ‘You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you’.”

My Crush: “Oh, my God, thank you!” *turns to her friend* “And you call yourself a Star Wars fan.”

(Her friend scowled, but they paid and said goodbye. I watched as they got to the automatic doors. Her friend pretended to use ‘The Force’ on them. Suddenly, my crush jumped in front of her.)

My Crush: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

(I walked over and asked her out. We got married a month ago.)

(I had helped a customer adopt an adorable short-haired tabby. A few days later, she comes back.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this cat. I’m allergic.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We can give you a voucher and you’re more than welcome to look at the puppies we have up for adoption.”

Customer: “No, no. I’d like another cat. A long-hair.”

Me: “You’re allergic though. We can’t adopt more cats to you if you’re just going to bring them back.”

Customer: “You misunderstood. I’m allergic to this one because it’s not–”

(At this point she waves her hand in front of her face.)

Me: “Fancy.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “It’s just such a boring looking cat. I’d prefer something a little more fancy.”

(She waves her hand in front of her face again. At this point I’m trying really hard not to laugh.)

Customer: “Do you have any exotic *hand wave* cats? Anything *hand wave* fancy? Perhaps a Persian? I wouldn’t be allergic to that. Or maybe a Siamese? I’m not allergic to *hand wave* fancy cats.”

(We ended up taking the kitten back and giving her a refund, but she is eternally barred from adopting cats from us.)

(I am talking to a first time cat owner about the cat she is interested in. Another woman walks in.)

Customer #1: “Now, do I have to clean them like I would a dog?”

Me: “No, generally cats will bathe themselves.”

Customer #2: “Actually, you will want to bathe them. We bath our cat once a week.”

Me: “Well, we normally recommend you don’t bathe a cat because most cats really hate water.”

Customer #2: “We bathe our cat all the time and it keeps her clean.”

Me: “I’m sure that works for you, but with a new cat you don’t know. I really suggest that this woman does not bathe the cat.”

Customer #2: “No! You should bathe the cat to keep it clean!”

(After several minutes of her insisting this, I eventually agree and she leaves. After checking that she is out of sight, I turn back to the first customer.)

Me: “Don’t bathe the cat.”

Customer #1: “I won’t.”