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    He’s No Slim Jim

    | Louisiana, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (I’m talking to a regular I’ve known since I was a kid—let’s just call him Jim—who is leaning against our drink counter and drinking a cappuccino. Note: “Jim” is 5’10 and a little over 200lbs, most of which is muscle from working on a logging crew. I notice there’s a smudge on my glasses so I take them off and begin wiping them on my shirt. Right at that moment, a customer walks in. I always greet my customers, so I squint at the person to make them out since I’m not wearing my glasses.)

    Me: “Good evening, sir.”

    Customer: “Well, you don’t have to give me such a dirty look!”

    Me: “What dirty look?”

    Customer: “When I walked in the door, you gave me a nasty look as if I was s*** on the bottom of your shoe!”

    Me: “No, I was squinting at you ’cause I couldn’t see.” *I point at my glasses* “I’m practically blind without these, and there was something on them. I was cleaning them when you walked in, so I had to squint to see you.”

    Customer: “Hmph! You’re just making excuses! You think you’re better than me, but you’re nothing but trash! Only trash works in places like this!”

    (At this point, Jim decides to speak up in my defense. Note that Jim has a VERY thick country-boy accent.)

    Jim: “You’d better apologize to her right now, mister.”

    Customer: “What?! What’d you say?”

    (Jim speaks slowly and clearly this time, so that his accent is less apparent.)

    Jim: “I said you’d better apologize to her right now.” *crosses his arms over his chest* “If you don’t, I’m gonna put my work boot up your a** and you’re gonna have to have it surgically removed!”

    Customer: *turns ash white* “I’m sorry, miss!” *leaves without buying anything*

    D-Eye-Y

    | New Zealand | Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am currently going through medical school and working at a nearby hardware store part-time to help pay the bills. As part of study, students have been given internships at various local hospitals. Note: New Zealanders pride themselves on their DIY skills.)

    Customer: “Hey mate, I need some stuff to build a deck. Can ya help me find it?”

    Me: “Certainly, what were you after?”

    (As per our instruction, after recommending the tools and materials the customer would need, I am required to point out various safety gear as well. All has been going great so far…)

    Me: “May I also recommend that you grab some safety glasses? They could save you a lot of trouble if things happen to go wrong.”

    Customer: *suddenly hostile* “Look, mate, I don’t need any of this s***! I know how it needs to be done. Any real man does! If you were a real man, you’d know too. I ain’t paying for any s*** I don’t need!”

    (He eventually leaves, but not before complaining to customer service about me. Three days later while working at the hospital as a medical student, I take the same customer’s history. The reason: he had a splinter lodged in the side of his eye. I wish I was making this up!)

    No Need To Drive This Deal Home

    | Illinois, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Money, Top

    (I have just brought a middle-aged couple back from a test drive. We are going over the price of the car.)

    Me: “With your trade and money down, we’re looking at about $400 per month for the base model, and $440 per month fully-loaded.”

    Husband: “But we only wanted to spend $500 to $550 or more per month!”

    Me: “…Excuse me?”

    Wife: “Like he said, we’re looking to spend no more than $550.”

    Me: “Well, yes. Even if you get the fully loaded model, it’s far under $500 per month.”

    Husband: “NO! What part of ‘$500 per month’ don’t you understand?”

    Me: “Not a problem, sir. I definitely think we can make the numbers work for you at $500 per.”

    Wife: “Much better. We’ll take it, then!”

    Alls Well That Bookends Well

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Criminal/Illegal, Money, Top

    (A sharply-dressed man comes to the counter with a woman of his age and a 5-year-old kid walking near them.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Man: “Yes, can you tell the price of those books, please?”

    (He hands me a list, and I use it to calculate the total price of the books in question.)

    Me: “Okay, the total comes to $242.14.”

    Man: “Alright. Do you take debit cards?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Man: “Ten years ago, when I was a teen, we stole those books in your shop with my wife here as a student prank. Now that we both have a good job, we want to show my kid that you must fix your errors in life.”

    (I stayed speechless for a good minute before taking his payment. If there’s a “Customer of the Month” award, this family takes the cake!)

    A Pack Of The Clones

    | UK | Bizarre, Top

    (Instead of having a definite job role I am just expected to help out wherever the restaurant is short. On this day, I have been cleaning.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, could you tell me where your toilets are?”

    Me: “Just through there, sir. Just give me a moment to get the cleaning stuff out of there.”

    (I clear the toilet and leave. On my way downstairs, I am asked to open the bar up for the customers. I change and do so.)

    Same Customer: “Oh, weren’t you just upstairs?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Can I get you anything?”

    Same Customer: *nervous look* “Uh, I’ll just have a coffee. I’m sitting over there…”

    (After serving, I change again and start waiting tables.)

    Me: “Hello again. Can I take your order?”

    Same Customer: *upset* No…no…I think I’ll have to leave…”

    Me: “Are you okay, sir?”

    Same Customer: “I can’t eat in a place that employs CLONES! CLONES! CLONES EVERYWHERE!” *leaves*

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