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    Not Always Indeed

    | Franklin Park, PA, USA | Food & Drink, Love/Romance, Top

    Male Customer: “Hi, we’d like to get two Frappuccinos.”

    Me: “Sure, what kind?”

    Male Customer: “What was that kind we wanted?”

    Female Customer: “The java chip ones.”

    Me: “Alright, what sizes would you like?”

    Female Customer: “Grandes.”

    Male Customer: *almost at same time* “Ventis.”

    Me: “So…you’d like a grande, and you would like a venti?”

    (The customers look at each other.)

    Female Customer: “No. We have to have them the same.”

    Me: “Oh, alright. So, which size would you both like then?”

    Male Customer: “Ugh, obviously what I said! Obviously, you’re not married!”

    Female Customer: “Seriously, you young single feminists! You’d be wise to learn that husbands and wives always do things the same! And you are to be submissive to him! How else do you think our marriage has lasted so long?”

    Me: “Ah, well, I actually am married, and my husband and I like to do things differently from each other. We find it keeps things interesting.”

    Female Customer: “Your marriage is doomed! Oh, I can’t believe the attitude of you young people. Just make us the Frappuccinos so I don’t have to look at you anymore!”

    Me: “Alright, two venti java chips, coming up…”

    (The whole time I’m making these, I hear them having an argument about how the woman will never be able to drink the whole thing and it was a waste of money, she really would have liked a different flavor, etc.)

    Me: “Here you go, two venti java chip Frappuccinos.”

    Male Customer: “You’re way too young to be married, by the way! What is it with you teenagers and taking marriage so lightly?”

    Me: “Well, I’m actually 26, and my husband and I dated for over 7 years before becoming engaged.”

    Male Customer: “NO!”

    Me: “…Sorry?”

    Male Customer: “No! You’re lying! You’re obviously a teenager and you obviously got married without thinking about it first!”

    Female Customer: “…And it’s doomed to fail because you clearly don’t know how a real marriage works! And don’t argue! The customer is always right!”

    Me: “Not always…”

    Sometimes, It’s Best To Put On A Show

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    Caller: “Hello, I would like to buy five tickets to the show on Saturday.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re sold out.”

    Caller: “I know. I called before and heard the message. I also tried to buy tickets online, but it wouldn’t let me. I would like five tickets, please.”

    Me: “We have no tickets available. We are sold out. That is why you couldn’t purchase them online.”

    Caller: “Just because you are sold out doesn’t mean there aren’t more seats. There are always more seats!”

    Me: “We have no more seats. We will have no more seats the night of the show. All of our seats are accounted for. I’m sorry, but we can’t help you at this time.”

    Caller: “That’s bulls***! Give me five tickets. I have my credit card ready.”

    Me: “Ma’am, regards of that fact, I still have no tickets to sell you. None.”

    Caller: “Take my credit card number and give me the seats!”

    Me: “Even if we had seats, I can’t process your card over the phone.”

    Caller: “Well, we’re going to come to the theater on Saturday night and then you will HAVE to let us in!”

    Me: “Please don’t. There will be no tickets, and we will turn you and your friends away. Please save yourself the trip. We would love to be able to accommodate everyone, but we have no more seats to sell. I’m really sorry that we can’t help you out. Let me check and see if there are any other burlesque shows happening that night that I would recommend giving a try.”

    Caller: “Five seats, now!”

    Me: “…Of the zero seats available?”

    Caller: “Let me talk to the manager!”

    Me: “The manager? Ma’am, I’m afraid I’m the only person there is to talk to.”

    Caller: “There is ALWAYS a manager. Just because you don’t want to get in trouble for being a bad customer service person doesn’t mean I won’t keep calling back until I talk to your boss. MANAGER! NOW!”

    (There really isn’t a manager I can put on the phone, so I put her on hold, wait about 30 seconds, and without changing or disguising my voice, continue the conversation.)

    Me: “Hello? How can I help you?”

    Caller: “Your employee is very rude and unhelpful.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. I will punish her terribly. What can I help you with?”

    Caller: “I want to buy five tickets to the show on Saturday.”

    Me: “An excellent choice! Our holiday show is one of the best Revues to come to. It’s such a shame that we’re completely sold out.”

    Caller: “I want those secret extra tickets that theaters always have. I know you have them!”

    (It’s clear that I’m not getting through to her, so I decide to improvise.)

    Me: *whisper* “You want the extra tickets?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “The…secret ones?”

    Caller: “Yes!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t sell those to you.”

    Caller: “Well, why not?!”

    Me: “Somebody already bought them. In fact, they were so desperate to get them, they paid twice as much!”

    (With that explanation, the caller suddenly becomes friendly, as if the rest of the conversation never happened.)

    Caller: “Ooooh! D***, that sucks. Oh, well…thanks!” *hangs up*

    Your Mood Speaks Volumes

    | Berlin, VT, USA | At The Checkout, Top

    (A customer obviously having a bad day comes through my line. She throws her stuff down on the belt.)

    Me: “Did you find everything—”

    Customer: “JUST DO YOUR JOB!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    (I give her the total, and she all but throws her money at me and rips her change out of my hand.)

    Customer: “TOOK LONG ENOUGH!”

    Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am!”

    (The next day, the same customer comes through my line. I greet her and start putting her items through.)

    Customer: “Look, I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I was having a bad day and had no right to treat you that way.”

    Me: “That’s alright, ma—”

    Customer: “NO! IT MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT ALRIGHT!”

    Customers Can Be Tiring

    , | Portland, OR, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (As part of our Memorial Day Weekend special, our tire shop is offering a flat rate $10 tire patch for flat tires. A customer calls ahead to inquire, and walks into our store an hour later.)

    Customer: “I’m here to get the $10 tire patch.”

    (The customer places an extremely old tire on the counter.)

    Me: “I apologize, but this tire is beyond patching. You are going to need to purchase a new tire.”

    Customer: “To h*** I am! You told me on the phone that you could fix this tire for $10, and that’s exactly what you’re going to do.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we can only patch tires with holes or leaks that are in otherwise good condition. This tire has multiple slash marks, and at least five nails that I can count. Not to mention, the rim is corroded and warped.”

    Customer: “Bulls***! You’re doing this because I’m a woman. Don’t think I’m smart enough to know my tires? Well, I’m smart enough to know that your commercials says that I can throw this tire through your window if I’m not satisfied!”

    (The customer tries—and fails—to throw her tire through our front glass. After a few attempts, she picks up a tire iron and starts breaking any glass she can find, including our front window and door. I manage to wrestle the tire iron away from her. At that moment, a policeman also walks in with his own tires.)

    Me: “Ma’am, firstly, that commercial was clearly from [our competitor]. Secondly, there is an armed officer literally right behind you!”

    Policeman: *sighs* “Ma’am, you’re under arrest for disorderly conduct and destruction of property.” *to me* “Can I go ahead and get these two tires replaced? I’ll pick them up when I’m done with the paperwork on all of this…”

    (The woman is arrested and taken away. Everyone in the store remains silent as we reflect on the damage.)

    Manager: “What the f*** just happened?!”

    Your Argument Just Went Up In Smoke

    | BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    (A young man walks into store, grabs two energy drinks, and then comes to the till to pay. As he’s paying, a middle-aged customer comes into the store.)

    Middle-aged Customer: “I can’t believe they haven’t banned those energy drinks yet! They’re so bad for you. Some kid down in the States died from them!”

    Young Customer: *finishes paying and leaves*

    Middle-aged Customer: “I’ll have two packs of cigarettes, please.”

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