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    Bottom-Rung Bozos

    | Florida, USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (This takes place in a small, mom-and-pop gift store. Note: I am about 7 months pregnant when this takes place.)

    Customer: “Hey you, girl! I need one of those games at the top of the shelf.”

    Me: “Sure, no problem, sir. Just give me a moment to finish up here and I’ll grab it.”

    Customer: “Well, hurry up!”

    (The customer continues to mutter about me being useless. I go to grab the ladder when my coworker, who happens to be the owner’s son, sees this.)

    Coworker: *to me* “Oh hey…you don’t need to be on that ladder. I got it.”

    Customer: *to coworker* “What?! No, I asked her. Let her do it!”

    Coworker: “Sir, it’s not safe for her to be up there right now.”

    Customer: “YOU SHOULDN’T BE ACCOMMODATING TO FATTIES!”

    (Note: the customer himself is extremely large.)

    Coworker: “Sir, she’s pregnant, not fat.”

    Customer: “Stupid b**** is just fat! You shouldn’t accommodate fatties! She’s just a fat b****! Make her do her job! STOP ACCOMMODATING THE FATTIES!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m seven months pregnant, not fat, and if you continue to use vulgar language, I will have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “You stupid b****! Do your d*** job, you stupid fat a**!”

    Me: “I’m refusing you service. Please leave.”

    Customer: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! GET THAT D*** GAME! I PAY YOUR SALARY!”

    (The owner, who has overheard the entire exchange, comes over.)

    Owner: “Sir, you shouldn’t be carrying on and calling people fatties…especially pregnant women.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU! I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

    Owner: “I’ll do you one better: I own this store, and if I see you in my store again, I will have you arrested for trespassing. Oh…and NO, you don’t pay her salary: I do, and I plan to give her a big raise after this.”

    Customer: “SCREW YOU! You can’t talk to me this way. I’m a paying customer!”

    Coworker: “Hey buddy, you just blow in from stupid town? You haven’t bought anything.”

    Customer: “DON’T ACCOMMODATE FATTIES!”

    (In his anger, he knocks down a rack of merchandise over and hauls out of the store as fast as he can.)

    Coworker: “I’m going to call the police…”

    (The customer was arrested less than a block away, and I got a raise.)

    Help Is On The Way

    | Oregon, USA | Musical Mayhem, Top

    (I’ve just gotten off work and am waiting behind the building for my friend to come pick me up. I’m listening to music but forgot my headphones, so it’s playing through the speaker. Two teenage girls, one wearing a Twilight shirt and another a Justin Bieber Shirt walk past me chatting. Accompanying them is who I assume is their younger brother, who is obviously not liking the conversation. He can’t be more than ten years old.)

    Teenager #1: *whispers to her friend about my music* “What awful tastes.”

    Teenager #2: *nods in agreement* “Freaks, I tell you.”

    (Instead of agreeing with the girls, the little kid stops and talks to me.)

    Little Kid: *to me* “What’s that?”

    Me: “Rise Against. They’re an awesome punk band.”

    Little Kid: “Thanks!” *catches up to the two teens with a smile*

    (I feel as though I did some good today.)

    To Conjugate A Thief

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

    (Although I don’t look like it, I am fluent in Japanese and Korean. I am working at a register, checking out a Japanese family that is buying snacks.)

    Father: *in Japanese* “Son, when the cashier isn’t looking, put the candy bars in your pockets so we don’t have to pay for them.”

    (Hearing this, I add the candy bars to the purchase. The family pays and leaves. Two minutes later, the father returns.)

    Father: “Why did you charge me for four candy bars?! I didn’t buy any candy bars! You just charged me to make extra money! I want to see your manager!”

    Me: *in Japanese* “Maybe you should come up with your plans to steal 89 cent candy bars BEFORE you come up to the register.”

    (The father was stunned. He apologized and left embarrassed.)

    Kernel Panic

    | Illinois, USA | Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I’m working at my local electronics store as a technician. A customer in her mid-30s walks up with a laptop.)

    Customer: “There’s something wrong with my laptop screen. It’s all screwed up!”

    Me: “Screwed up like how? Can you please be more specific, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I don’t know how to describe it. The picture’s all warped, and there are these funny multicolored lines on it.”

    Me: “Well, let me take a look at it…”

    (The customer sets the laptop on the counter and I turn it on. As soon as it turns on, it is obvious that the laptop screen is cracked.)

    Me: “Wow! It looks like the screen has an internal crack in it. What happened? Did the laptop fall? Was it struck with something?”

    (The customer looks at me sheepishly for a few moments, and then she responds.)

    Customer: “Last night, I was online and I was eating pistachios. One of them had a really hard shell. So, I took the nut, set it on the laptop, and closed the lid on it so the shell would crack.”

    Me: “You tried to crack open a nut with your laptop?!”

    Customer: “Well, yeah. I didn’t think a pistachio would break my laptop!”

    Hot Tub Size Machine

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Family & Kids, Hotels & Lodging, Top

    (I work as a lifeguard at a swimming pool in a hotel. On the pool deck, we also have a large hot tub. As a rule, kids aren’t allowed in the tub for more than 15 minutes due to health hazards. I notice a kid, no older than six, who has been in the tub longer than 15 minutes.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, young man, but you are going to have to get out of the hot tub now.”

    Kid: “No!”

    Kid’s Mom: “Sweety, you need to come back in the pool now. The nice lady said that you had to get out.”

    Kid: “I don’t wanna!”

    (His mom gives me this lost, “no clue what to do” look.)

    Me: “Hey, I know you are a big, strong, tough guy and all, and you can probably handle a lot worse than me. However, I gotta tell you: the thing about these hot tubs is that they stunt your growth.”

    Kid: *worried* “What does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that you shrink. I remember when I was your age, I hung out in a hot tub for twenty minutes, and I shrank to the size of a Barbie doll. Never did grow back to my original size, either.”

    (The kid looks more than a little worried now, but obviously still doesn’t want to get out.)

    Me: “…And to be honest, you look a little smaller than you did when you first got in.”

    (I have never seen someone get out of a hot tub so fast in my life.)

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