(Two customers come into the store wearing a uniform from the same company. Often when this happens, people generally get separate items, then pay for them together, so I always ask to make sure before ringing the items up. They are both male.)

Me: “Hello, are you two paying together?”

Customer #1: “No! We are definitely not together! I’m not gay! We work together. That’s all OK! We aren’t gay together! He’s not my boyfriend and we are not a couple! Not that I’m against… You know… I’m not prejudiced! BUT WE AREN’T TOGETHER!”

Me: “Sir, I asked if you are paying together.”

Customer #1: “Oh…No. Separately. Which is what we are. Separate. Not a couple.”

Customer #2: *trying not to laugh* “Sorry about him.”

Me: “Don’t apologise! You guys just made my day. But you know…separately.”

(A friend of mine comes in to buy something. I help her find it, check her out, and we make plans to meet up after my shift is over. We’re both 22 year old brunette girls.)

Co-worker: “Hey, I think there’s a guy on the phone for you. Did you just help a tall brunette girl?”

Me: “Yep, I’ll take the call.”

(I take the phone.)

Me: “Hello this is [name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Did you just help a girl find a book?”

Me: “Yes, it was a copy of the new Margaret Atwood book. Would you like a copy?”

Caller: “Is that like a code or something?”

Me: “Sorry?”

Caller: “Someone asks for that book and you go home with them?”

Me: “Sir, she just happened to be a friend of mine. We made plans to hang out later today. Can I help you find a book?”

Caller: “Oh, so is there a book code that means I can have a threesome with you two?”

Me: “Uh…”

Caller: “Wait, are you the one with big boobs or no boobs?”

(I’m working the cash register. A male customer of about 40 comes by and places their order. He proceeds to give me his credit card.)

Me: “May I see some ID, please?”

(He stares at me for a moment then breaks out into song as he hands me the ID.)

Customer: “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my pooooookeer faaaaaaace!”

(Note: We have posters of real and fictional places on the walls.)

Customer: “Can I book a trip there?” *points at a poster of Atlantis*

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not a real place.”

Customer: *angry* “Then why is it on your wall!? That confuses people!”

Me: “We figured most people knew that there are no cities under water.”

Customer: “You shouldn’t assume everybody is that smart!”

(A customer walks in. His clothes a bit mismatched and he’s wearing a fanny pack. The eyes are bloodshot and he’s sporting a huge smile on his face. I’m relatively new at this point.)

Me: “Hi sir, welcome to [deli], how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Um, yeah can I get some monkey brains?”

(He’s completely serious if a little under the influence, so I go with it.)

Me: “Sorry sir, we’re fresh out today, truck comes tomorrow.”

Customer: “Dang, how about some mermaid?”

Me: “Mermaid isn’t in season yet sir, but our tuna is pretty good.”

Customer: “Bummer. Well how about your brownies, they got pot in them, right?”

Me: “No sir, we switched bakeries just last week.”

(After ordering about half of our menu and asking if everything that had a green dot next to it [indicating something organic] had pot in it, he pays and eventually leaves. I’m left in tears as I’m laughing so hard. When my manager asks me what’s going on, I explain what happened.)

Manager: “D***! I missed Fanny Pack Guy?!”