Me: “Would you like regular ice or ice made from coffee?”
Customer: “What is ice made from coffee?”
Me: “It’s … ice … made from … coffee.”
Customer: *stare*
Me: “Frozen coffee?”
Customer: “Um… Why?”
Me: “Regular ice then. I’ll have that out in just a moment.”
Customer: “Do you have that book from that movie Les Miserababah?”
Me: “Les Miserables? Yes it would be on the 3rd floor.”
Customer: “What section would it be in?”
Me: “The fiction section.”
Customer: “So nonfiction is true, and fiction is not true, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “How can this book be fiction if there is a movie about it?”
Me: “Movies are not true.”
Customer: “Really?”
Me: “Yes. Movies are not true, movies are fiction.”
Old man: “Well, I’d like 3 slices, all meat and a Coke.”
Me: “Is Pepsi okay? We don’t serve Coke anymore.”
Old man: “WHAT?!?!?!?!? YOU DON’T SERVE COKE? ANYMORE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?”
Me: “Well, we used to sell both brands. It was just far too expensive to keep both stocked when most people aren’t devastated by not having Coke.”
Old man: “THAT’S ABSURD! WHO DOESN’T SELL COKE! THAT’S INSANITY!”
Me: (at this point, I’m egging him on and holding back laughter) “Well…you can go next door. The convenience store probably sells Coke, but I can’t guarantee it.”
Old man: “That’s what I’ll do! You won’t get my $0.75!”
Me: “Umm…okay. I’ll have your pizza in just a minute.”
His wife: “Don’t mind him. He’s crazy.”
Old man: “Shut it! What kind of a day and age is it when you don’t sell Coke? It’s just plain un-American.”
Me: “…you know Coke cans are red. Like communism. ”
Customer in an ice cream shop: “Wait, your mint ice cream is white?”
Me: “That’s right. We don’t use artificial colors in our ice cream.”
Customer: “So shouldn’t your Orange Cream ice cream be green, since oranges are green?”
Me: “Blurgh!?”
Me: “Can I help you?”
Woman: “Yes, I’d like to buy tickets for Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party.”
Me: “Wonderful, when will you be attending?”
Woman: “Tonight.”
Me: “I’m so sorry, ma’am, we actually have sold out for tonight’s event.”
Woman: “Oh, okay, I’ll just get tickets when I get to the park.”
Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry, we don’t have any tickets at all left. You won’t be able to purchase them at the park.”
Woman: “Right, you’re just sold out of advance tickets, that’s okay, I’ll just get them there.”
Me: “I’m so sorry ma’am, we are sold out of ALL tickets. That means there are NONE available when you get there.”
Woman: “But I can still go, right? I just won’t have a ticket?”
Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t attend Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party without a ticket, and we do not have any tickets available.”
Woman: “Fine, I’ll get my tickets when I get to the park.”
(I honestly can’t say how many times I have had this conversation in the ER)
Me: “Is there any chance you are pregnant?”
Patient: “No?”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Are you sexually active?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Do you still have periods?”
Patient: “Yes!”
Me: “Are you on birth control?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Do you use condoms?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Has your husband/significant other/autistic baboon had a vasectomy?”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “So let me get this straight. You are still menstruating, have unprotected sex, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”
Patient: “No.”
Me: “Look, if you are having sex and not trying to prevent getting pregnant, you are actively trying to get pregnant.”
Patient: “No.”
Pizza Delivery Customer: “I want this pizza for free.”
Me: “No cash, no pizza. I don’t care if you don’t eat or not.”
Pizza Delivery Customer: “Well, I know the owner of *** Pizza!!!”
Me: “Really, how do you know me?”
(Customer puts his hand and his pocket and pays for the pizza)
(Note: I’m not really the owner of *** Pizza)
Me: “Welcome to xxx Bank, what can I do for you today?”
Customer: “Do you guys sell gold here?”
Me: “Well, our Financial Advisor can take care of all your commodity trades. Let me introduce…”
Customer: “No, I mean do you SELL gold here?”
Me: “Um… what do you mean exactly?”
Customer: “Can I buy gold?”
Me: “As in… a brick of gold?”
Customer: “Yes, I want to buy a couple of bricks.”
Me: “Um… no.. I believe they stopped doing that in the 1920s.”
Customer: “Well you SHOULD!”
Me: “… Okay.”
The customer needed help adding his music into his iTunes library. I showed him how, and this is what happened:
Customer: “… Uggghhh!”
Me: “What happened?”
Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my porn.”
Me: *silence* “Oh….”
Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want porn on my iPod!”
Me: “Click the little X near the top.”
Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”
Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”
Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh God!”
Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”
Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”
(few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)
Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”
Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”
Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”
(I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the porn is moved)
Customer: “Alright, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the issue?”
Customer: “I dropped my [product] in salt-water.”
Tech Support: “Okay, just so you know, that does mean the warranty has been voided, so we won’t be able to replace it for you.”
Customer: “I figured as much. I was just wondering what I can do to increase the chances of getting it to work again.”
Tech Support: “You could try leaving it to dry on a towel for a few days.”
Customer: “Yeah, I’ll do that; I also ran it under some tap water, to rinse all the salt water out.”
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