(A male customer comes into my cafe and spends five minutes staring at the baked goods before finally coming up to order.)

Customer: “Well, there’s no manly way to say this: I want a cream puff.”

Me: “Hello, can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for this movie. It was a funny movie and it is fairly new.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me who is in it?”

Customer: “That fat guy from Superbad?”

Me: “Is it this movie?” *I pick up ‘Get him to the Greek’*

Customer: “Yeah! Thanks! Have a piece of candy.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I put the candy in my pocket, and walk to the counter to ring him up.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: “You have a nice smile. You know what you win?”

Me: “No. What do I win?”

Customer: “A better piece of candy!”

(He hands me another piece of candy and walks out swinging his bag.)

Manager, to me: “Don’t eat that candy. It’s stranger candy.”

(I walk into the kitchen and see a toddler reaching for a knife, blade first. I run and grab him before he gets it. He cries, but I let him play with my necklace while I take him back out to his mother, who is attached to her cell phone.)

Mother: “Oh my God!”

(I hand him to her.)

Me: “Don’t worry Ma’am he’s fine, I just–”

Mother: “I’m calling the cops! You tried to kidnap my son!”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Mother: “I saw you! You had my son!”

Me: “Yes, I found him in the kitchen.”

Mother: “You took him in there!”

Me: “Why would I do that?”

Mother: “Cause you want to be a mother so bad that you had to take my sweet boy!”

Me: “If I took him, why would I bring him back?”

Mother: “Stop distracting me!”

(She begins to dial 911. Another customer walks up. I recognize him.)

Officer: “Ma’am, hang up your phone. I’m a cop.”

(He shows his badge.)

Mother: “Arrest her!”

Officer: “Ma’am, I watched your son walk into the kitchen on his own accord. If anyone is getting arrested, it’s you for endangering the welfare of a child.”

(A little boy comes through my line holding a Wolverine figure. I scan it first and give it back to him before his parents groceries.)

Me: “So is Wolverine your favorite?”

Boy: *looks at me confused*

Me: “More then Beast or Nightcrawler?”

Boy: *tilts his head, more puzzled*

Me: “Rogue’s always been my favorite.”

Boy: “Bu-But, you’re old. And a girl!”

Client: “My printer keeps printing junk.”

Me: “You have to turn off the computer and the printer, then turn on the computer first.”

Client: “Okay.”

*pause*

Client: “It’s still wrong.”

Me: “Did you restart the computer first?”

Client: “No.”

Me: “Why not?”

Client: “The computer is too far away. It saves time if I just turn the printer off and on.”

Me: “That won’t fix the problem.”

Client: “I don’t see why not. I don’t have time to go back and forth.”

(We go through the procedure several times, with the client short cutting the directions each time.)

Me: “Okay, I think I know what to do. There is bad data in your cable.”

Client: “Oh. How do I get it out?”

Me: “First, turn everything off. Then disconnect the cable.”

Client: “Okay.”

Me: “Lay the cable out in the hall. Then pick up one end and shake the cable two or three times. Shake it very hard.”

Client: “Just a minute.”

(Time passes with strange noises coming through the phone. The client comes back on out of breath.)

Client: “OK, I did it.”

Me: “Good. Now reconnect the cable to the printer and then connect it to the computer. Then turn everything on.”

Client: “That did it! Thanks!”

(About a year later, one of our trainers called to tell a funny story about the client who insisted on shaking the cable whenever the printer messed up. She said it was, ‘To get rid of the bad data’. I kept my mouth shut.)