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    Don’t Try Doctoring The Doctor

    | Sydney, Australia | Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I am a medical receptionist for a busy medical centre. On this particular Friday night, we only have two doctors on and at least 35 people waiting. A new patient comes in.)

    New Patient: “Yes, I’d like to see a doctor, please.”

    Me: “Certainly sir. Although I must tell you, there will be approximately an hour and half wait. As you can see, we are very busy tonight.”

    New Patient: “Are you sure you can’t just squeeze me in at the top of the queue? I couldn’t be bothered to go to work today, so I need a medical certificate.”

    Me: “Unfortunately, that won’t be possible. We have a large number of patients with more serious ailments.”

    New Patient: “That’s f***ing ridiculous!”

    (About ten minutes pass. One of the doctors comes out and calls another patient’s name.)

    Doctor: “Mr. [another patient]?”

    New Patient: “Yes! That’s me!”

    Doctor: “No, it’s not.”

    New Patient: “How do you know?! How dare you assume that I’m lying! Do you know who I am?!”

    Doctor: “I know for a fact that you’re not my brother-in-law, whose name I just called.”

    New Patient: *sheepishly picks up his bags and leaves*

    Well-To-Do, If A Bit Daffy

    | USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

    (A well-dressed woman enters the store and hands me a note.)

    Customer: “Could you get this order ready for me, please? I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

    (I look at the note, but it’s blank.)

    Me: “There is nothing written on this note.”

    Customer: “Well, I decided to surprise myself today with my purchases.”

    Me: “Okay…that’s new, but I’ll see what I can do!”

    (Ten minutes later, she returns.)

    Customer: “So, what did I buy today?”

    Me: *hands her a bag* “Three pounds of bread crust to feed the ducks in the park. They are free of charge.”

    Customer: *surprised* “Oh! I was planning to go to the hairdresser, but this is…DUCKS, YOU SAY? Well, off to the park, then! Goodbye!”

    This Strange Kind Of Woman Needs To Hush

    | Queensland, Australia | Musical Mayhem, Top

    (When Guitar Hero first came out, our store had the game set up for customers to play in-store. A customer who looks to be in her late thirties or early forties is checking out. She has been aggressive and rude the entire time she has been in the store, going so far as to harass other customers trying to shop.)

    Customer: “…And you should turn off this CD! It’s giving me a headache!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am. It’s actually not a CD, but a new game which we have set up for people to try. You can see some people playing it over there right now.” *I point them out* “We do have the volume about as low as we can while still allowing people to enjoy the game properly.”

    Customer: “Well, you should at least make it play some decent music! You kids don’t know what good music is. I’m so sick of hearing this stupid modern teeny-bopper kid music in every damn shop. It just pisses me off. Guess what? Most of us aren’t that young, and we don’t want to listen to music only teenagers these days could enjoy! They stopped making good music before you were even born! You’ve probably never even heard good music!”

    Me: “I really am sorry, ma’am, and if it were a CD I would turn it off for you, but other customers are enjoying the game right now. I have to say, though, you look amazing! I never would have guessed you were old enough to consider Deep Purple music only for the younger generation.”

    Customer: *flustered* “Well! I didn’t mean the current song, obviously! The band that was playing before this song!”

    Me: “…Cream?”

    (The customer eventually left, muttering the whole way about about kids and teenagers. The three ‘kids’ playing the game while she was in-store? Grey-bearded gentlemen well over fifty.)

    Making A Difference

    | Ontario, Canada | Awesome Customers, Money, Top

    (We have a big display of used books just outside our doors that we sell to raise money for a local charity. Paperbacks are $1 and hardcovers are $3, but we sometimes let them give less money if the books aren’t in great condition. An older lady comes to the counter with a brand new-looking hardcover that I had originally thought she bought at the bookstore in the mall.)

    Me: “That’s just from [the used books outside the mall]?”

    Customer: “Ya.”

    Me: “Okay, that’ll be $3, please.”

    (The customer puts a single loonie on the counter.)

    Me: “Oh, sorry. It’s $3.”

    Customer: “WHAT!? But I got some paperbacks the other day and they were only $1!”

    Me: “That’s because the paperbacks are $1, but the hardcovers are $3.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous! I don’t want it, then!”

    Me: “Well, I can take it for the $1 because it’s just a donation, but they’re supposed to the $3.”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “The money for the books goes to a charity, so since it’s just a donation, I can give it to you for a dollar. But, just so you know, the hardcovers are $3.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous! $3 for a book!” *leaves the loonie on the counter and takes her book*

    (About 20 minutes later, a teenage girl and her boyfriend come into the store with a hardcover book.)

    Me: “That’ll be $3, please.”

    (The teenage girl hands me a $5 bill. I open the donation jar to get her change.)

    Teenage Girl: “Oh, it’s a donation?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Teenage Girl: “Well, you can just take the whole $5, then.”

    Me: “Thank you very much!”

    Teenage Girl: “No problem!”

    (Funny, the differences between some people!)

    The Gay Jean Debate

    | Michigan, USA | Top

    Customer: “Why do these jeans say ‘straight leg’ on the tag?”

    Me: “Oh, we carry three different types of jeans. So, we mark each pair to—”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “That’s not right. Tell me the real reason!”

    Me: “Because they’re straight legged jeans.”

    Customer: “NO!”

    Me: “Well…ma’am, why do you think they’re marked like that?”

    Customer: “Well, how should I know? That’s why I asked you, but you won’t tell me!”

    Me: “They say that because the jean legs are straight all the way down, see?”

    Customer: *angry* “The jeans aren’t gay friendly?!”

    Me: “Uh…no, they are. They’re totally gay friendly.”

    Customer: *brightens* “Oh, okay!”

    (And she bought them!)


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