(A customer comes to pick up her cake. I hand it to her and she starts to laugh.)

Customer: “You’ve spelled this wrong, honey.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I can fix it for you right away. How do you spell the name?”

Customer: “The name is right. It’s ‘Congratulations’ you’ve spelled wrong.”

(I look at the cake but see no error.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see a mistake.”

Customer: “Right here. You’ve spelled it with a ‘t’ instead of a ‘d’. It’s okay. You can just give me a discount and I’ll go on with it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m not authorized to give discounts.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager.”

(Long story short, we ended up having to find a dictionary to prove I had spelled it right. She didn’t get a discount.)

(A customer walks in with several trash bags full of clothes to be cleaned.)

Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll need to sort and count all these items before I can give you a price. Would you mind opening that bag while I work on this one?”

Customer: “Why would I do your job?”

Me: “Of course, sir.”

(The customer watches silently as I sort, count, and fold over forty items, including clothing, bedding, and towels. Essentially, I am touching his clothes with my bare hands for over twenty minutes.)

Me: “Okay sir, your total comes to [price]. We’ll have them cleaned for you tomorrow after four.”

Customer: “You can’t clean them sooner?”

Me: “Is there a specific reason you need them sooner?”

Customer: “Yeah, my kids have head lice. That’s all their contaminated stuff. They won’t have anything to sleep on tonight.”

(I am used to this very specific customer’s order by now.)

Me: “Hello! Can I take your order, sir?”

Customer: “I will have a half-decaf, extra-large, one pump of sugar-free vanilla, nonfat, 180-degrees, 235-gram cappuccino. And a scone.”

Me: “Here you go, sir. Half-decaf, extra-large, one pump sugar-free vanilla, nonfat, 180-degrees, 235-gram cappuccino.”

Customer: “Weigh it.”

Me: “I did weigh it, sir.”

Customer: “Again.”

(I weigh it again. The scale comes out to 236 grams, because it measures in units of 2.)

Customer: “It’s over. Remake it.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Remake it! And I want a free drink for you wasting my time!”

(The drink is remade three more times. Once for being two degrees off, and once for being one gram less. The manager then has to explain that the scale measures in units of 2.)

Me: “Here’s your drink, sir.”

Customer: “Finally! It’s amazing you all don’t get fired for incompetence!”

(The customer then goes and adds cold milk at the bar.)

(A client walks into clinic as the floors are being mopped. She notices the ‘wet floor’ sign, and immediately starts flailing around as if she’s slipping.)

Me: “I haven’t mopped that part of the lobby yet.”

(The client immediately stops her dramatics.)

Client: “Oh, okay.”

(We have both a bookshop and library. They are divided by a wall and accessible only from outside the building or through a staff only area. I am working in the bookstore section.)

Customer: “Hey, I was looking for a book for my niece called The Tomorrow Code.”

Me: “We definitely have a copy of that. I was shelving it this morning. Follow me.”

Customer: “So, when is the due date?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “You know, for the book.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can sell it to you right now.”

Customer: “Yes, I know that. I want to know when I have to return it. My library card number for you guys is [number].”

Me: “You don’t have to return it, ma’am. This is a bookstore, not a library. You keep the book once you’ve bought it.”

Customer: “That’s great, but when do I return it?”

Me: “I, uh, just need to check that on the system.”

(I run to the actual library to check they have a copy of the tomorrow code. They do. I go back to the customer.)

Me: “Ma’am, just to make this very clear, this is a shop not a library. You never return books.”

Customer: “Of course I know that. Do you think I was born yesterday? Now, when do I have to return this book?”

Me: “Actually, I just found out the copy of the book you’re holding is reserved. I can go get a copy of it from the storeroom if you want.”

Customer: “Just hurry up. This place shouldn’t hire people as thick as you!”

(I run back to the library and issue the book as ‘borrowed’ to her card number.)

Customer: *speaking very slowly* “Thank you, girl. I’m sorry to have told you that you were thick. I should have realised you were special.”