(I am checking out a customer.)

Customer #1: “No, no, no! I want the fruit in a separate bag.”

Me: “No problem. I was just going to do that anyway.”

Customer #1: “No, I want them separate. They’ll get squashed.”

Me: “So, separate from each other?”

Customer #1: “Yes, of course! Or they’ll get bruised.”

(By this point, the customer has been rude enough. I put each piece of fruit in its own individual bag while he pays. When he has rushed off, both I and the next customer notice he has left three of the four bags of fruit behind.)

Me: “Sorry, just be a second.”

(I run to a coworker not on register.)

Me, to coworker: “The previous customer left these behind. He’s wearing a red cap and a black t-shirt, heading out the exit by the bank.”

Coworker: “On it!” *dashes off*

Customer #2: “After all that fuss, and he forgot about it!”

Me: “The sad thing is, I’d put money on it somehow being my fault.”

Customer #2: “No, surely not?! It was sitting on the bench, plain as day.”

Me: “You’d be surprised, really. Most people are rational, but in this job you really do get to see all types. Some people just can’t take responsibility for their own actions, and we’re easy targets for blame.”

Customer #2: “That’s sad, but you’ve got me as a witness!” *smiles*

(The first customer storms back to my register.)

Customer #1: “You stole my shopping! Where is it? You kept it to make me look like a fool!”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s right here.”

(I hand over the bags, smiling.)

Customer #1: “Where were they? You hid them behind the register?”

Customer #2: “No, they were right there on the bench with the rest of your shopping.”

Customer #1: “Oh. I thought you’d forgotten to pick them up from back there.”

Customer #2: “They sent someone after you, too.”

Me: “It’s fine. It looks like you were in a rush. Have a good day!”

(The first customer scurries off grumbling and clutching his bags.)

Customer #2: “I thought you were just kidding! I had no idea people could be so stupid! And so very rude to you for his own mistake! I’d never blame any of you for something like that.”

Me: “I know. That’s what makes you one of the good ones!”

(We have two branches of my store in our town of about 3,500. Ours is referred to as the ‘ghetto’ store.)

Me: “How’s it going?”

Customer: “Pretty good.”

Me: “Will that be all?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Total is $2.98.”

Customer: “Here’s $3. Plus, a little something extra.”

(He hands me a bud of weed.)

Me: “What’s this for?”

Customer: “It’s a Friday night, and you are trapped in hell. Now you tell me what it’s for.”

Related:
Weeding Out The Good Customers

Me: “And here’s your waffle, sir, with bacon on the side.”

Customer: “What? No, I didn’t order this. I ordered the bacon egg and cheese omelette.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I have it written down that you got a waffle with bacon. I will have to fix that.”

Customer’s wife: “No, you will not. He ordered the waffle. I heard him.”

Customer: “No, I didn’t. I specifically ordered the omelette. I know I did.”

Customer’s wife: “No, honey! We had the conversation on which one you were going to get. You told me you were going to get the omelette, and it surprised me when you didn’t.”

Customer: “Then why didn’t you say something?”

Customer’s wife: “Because you always ask my opinion, and say that’s what you’ll do. Then you change your mind! I just figured you were ignoring my opinion again!”

Customer: “Well, fine. I guess I’ll have to eat this.”

Me: “Are you sure? I can change it.?”

Customer: “Actually, would you?”

Customer’s wife: “No! You ordered it, you eat it.”

Customer, to me: “That’s what she says to the kids.”

Customer: “Is the chicken caesar sandwich vegetarian?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It has chicken in it. But we can substitute tofu if you’d like.”

Customer: “I don’t want tofu. Don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Vegetarian means no meat, ma’am. Would you like a non-vegetarian option?”

Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian. Your menu says you have vegetarian options.”

Me: “We do have vegetarian options. Anything can be made without meat.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Are you sure you’re a vegetarian, ma’am?”

Related:
Telling Porkies

(It is prom season. We have a lot of girls coming in to try on dresses. Three girls have been trying on heaps of dresses. They finally select the ones they want.)

Me: “I see you’ve made your final selection! If you just bring them to the register, I’ll be happy to ring you up.”

(Their mother walks over.)

Mother: “Oh, what lovely dresses!”

Girl: “Yeah. We had to go through a lot of dresses before we found anything decent.”

(The mother gets a weird look on her face.)

Mother, to me: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

Mother: “Are those the dressing rooms?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “Do you mind if I run in there for a minute?”

Me: “Go ahead!”

(The mother walks in, and sees all the dresses on the floor of the dressing rooms. She comes out fuming.)

Mother: “You girls march right in there, pick up every dress, and hang them back up! Right now!”

Girl: “Why? It’s her job!”

Mother: “I did not raise a bunch of pigs! Get in there now, or you won’t be going to prom!”