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    Category: Top

    Must Have Taken A Napa In Geography Class

    | Canberra, Australia | Food & Drink, Geography, Top

    (A new customer walks into our liquor store. Note that I am the store manager and have been there a number of years, and have a significant appreciation for wine.)

    Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. Can I help you with anything today?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m going to a dinner party this evening and want to bring a bottle of wine. I don’t know anything about wines, though, and I would like to show off a bit.”

    Me: “Certainly, I can help you with that. Do you know what food they will be serving at this party?”

    Customer: “Oh, yes. Roast beef or lamb, I think.”

    Me: “In that case, you would want a red wine. If you’re not sure of the meal, then I would suggest one of the blends as they are good all rounders and a safer bet if you’re unsure. As for showing off, we have some very nice wines from Chile that we have just got in. Chile has been producing some very nice wines that are winning a number of awards at the moment, and they’re very new to the Australian market so they would be the perfect thing for showing off wine appreciation.”

    Customer: “No, I said we we’re having a roast, not a curry! I don’t want anything spicy!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am…I meant the country, not the spice. These are not spicy wines. They’re just from Chile.”

    Customer: “No, I said I don’t want a spicy wine. Can’t you just show me a wine that will make me look like I’m smart in front of my friends?!”

    The Pool-cebo Effect

    | Livingston, NJ, USA | Top

    (I am a lifeguard at a pool. I am covering a coworker’s 12-4pm shift while he is visiting a friend in Boston. There is a senior aqua-exercise class for people with arthritis that is starting.)

    Swimmer #1: “Brrr, The water is so cold! Why is the water always so cold?”

    Swimmer #2: “Yes, this is ridiculous. We are going to freeze to death!” *to me* “You, there! Lifeguard! What is the water temperature today?”

    Me: “It is 84 degrees. Quite warm, actually. I went for a swim earlier.”

    Swimmer #1: “Bulls***! Where is the normal lifeguard, [coworker's name]? He always fixes the water temperature for us.”

    Me: “Really? How?”

    Swimmer #2: “He calls the front desk and has maintenance turn up the temperature. He’s such a nice boy. Such a lovely boy!”

    Me: “Okay, let me try that…

    (I walk over to the phone, but instead of calling the front desk, I just call my coworker’s cellphone.)

    Coworker: “Hello?”

    Me: “Yeah, hey, I’m doing your shift. There’s this arthritis class in here complaining about the water temperature. They say that you know how to fix it for them. What exactly do you do?”

    Coworker: “Oh, haha! I always tell them I’m going to call the front desk and have the temperature cranked up. Then, I walk into the office, pick up the phone and just mouth words to the dial tone for a few seconds. Then I go back and tell them that they’re working on it.”

    Me: “Okay, man, awesome.”

    (I hang up and walk back to the class.)

    Me: *to the swimmers* “Uh, yeah…they said they’ll get on it right away.”

    Swimmer #1: “I feel better already!”

    Slob Calling The Coffee Black

    | Rhode Island, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I am walking down one of our grocery store’s aisles when I overhear a couple talking.)

    Husband: “Crap, I dropped my coffee. Honey, find some paper towels.”

    Wife: “What?! No! Just leave it there. They have people walk around and clean up these things. It’s fine!”

    Husband: “Um, I—”

    Wife: “Just leave it! We have too much to do.”

    (The wife then turns and sees me. She doesn’t miss a beat.)

    Wife: “Someone just dropped this and left it. People are slobs. You should clean this up before someone gets hurt!”

    We’d Love To Cut Your Lawn, But—

    | Nebraska, USA | Top

    (I’m attempting to let a customer know via telephone that we want to treat their yard the next day.)

    Me: “Hi this is—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Hi, this is—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Th—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: *quickly* “This is [lawn care company] calling.”

    Customer: “Oh, yes.”

    Me: “We’d like to put down an application tomorrow.”

    Customer: “Does it need to be mowed first?”

    Me: “No, it d—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “No, it d—”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “N—”

    Customer: “You’re cutting out.”

    Me: “I—”

    Customer: “WHY DO YOU KEEP CUTTING OUT?!”

    Me: “Because you keep talking over me.”

    Customer: “I do what?”

    Me: “You keep t—”

    Customer: “I do no such thing!”

    It’s A Face Off

    | Virginia, USA | Bizarre, Top

    (I greet a customer cheerfully as she enters the shop. After browsing briefly, she gives me a suspicious look and then leaves the store. A few moments later, she returns with my boss.)

    Customer: “HER! That is the WORST example of customer service I have ever experienced in this town!”

    Boss: *to me* “Could you explain what happened a minute ago?”

    Me: “I…I don’t understand. I said, ‘Hi, how are you today?’ and she left pretty much after that.”

    Customer: “Look at you now, tearing up in front of the boss! Well, missy, let me tell you…” *to my boss* “LOOK! She’s scowling again, behind your back! That is EXACTLY what I’m talking about!”

    (I’m not sure what she’s referring to, but I have naturally fair blonde hair which is dyed a darker shade. I line my brows a shade to match, and they have a dramatic natural arch.)

    Boss: “Ma’am? I think that’s just her face. She isn’t trying to offend.”

    Customer: “You think you’re so smart, missy? Well, one day, someone is going to call you out on your games! THEY’LL WIPE THAT SMUG LOOK RIGHT OFF YOUR FACE!”

    Me: *I wipe my brow liner off and give her a blank look*

    Customer: *makes a choked noise, then quickly exits*

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