(A client walks into clinic as the floors are being mopped. She notices the ‘wet floor’ sign, and immediately starts flailing around as if she’s slipping.)

Me: “I haven’t mopped that part of the lobby yet.”

(The client immediately stops her dramatics.)

Client: “Oh, okay.”

(We have both a bookshop and library. They are divided by a wall and accessible only from outside the building or through a staff only area. I am working in the bookstore section.)

Customer: “Hey, I was looking for a book for my niece called The Tomorrow Code.”

Me: “We definitely have a copy of that. I was shelving it this morning. Follow me.”

Customer: “So, when is the due date?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “You know, for the book.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can sell it to you right now.”

Customer: “Yes, I know that. I want to know when I have to return it. My library card number for you guys is [number].”

Me: “You don’t have to return it, ma’am. This is a bookstore, not a library. You keep the book once you’ve bought it.”

Customer: “That’s great, but when do I return it?”

Me: “I, uh, just need to check that on the system.”

(I run to the actual library to check they have a copy of the tomorrow code. They do. I go back to the customer.)

Me: “Ma’am, just to make this very clear, this is a shop not a library. You never return books.”

Customer: “Of course I know that. Do you think I was born yesterday? Now, when do I have to return this book?”

Me: “Actually, I just found out the copy of the book you’re holding is reserved. I can go get a copy of it from the storeroom if you want.”

Customer: “Just hurry up. This place shouldn’t hire people as thick as you!”

(I run back to the library and issue the book as ‘borrowed’ to her card number.)

Customer: *speaking very slowly* “Thank you, girl. I’m sorry to have told you that you were thick. I should have realised you were special.”

(A passenger is sitting in the emergency exit row. We’re required by law to brief them on the operation of the window exit. One of the instructions is to ‘throw the exit door out’.)

Me: “Do you have any questions for me on the operation of this door?”

Passenger: “Yes, there’s something I’ve always wondered. When you throw the door out, where does it go?”

Me: “It just goes outside. It doesn’t matter where it ends up. Just throw it out and get out.”

Passenger: “Well, what if it hits somebody?”

Me: “You’d be the first one out, so it’s not going to hit anybody.”

Passenger: “What if there’s some guy hiking?”

Me: “Sir, if there’s some guy hiking where we’ve just crash landed a plane, I’m sure he’s got bigger problems than a door hitting him.”

(I am a customer at a deli. I am the second in line.)

Cashier: “Would you like to donate a dollar to [charity]? You’ll receive a–”

Customer ahead of me:“No! What is it with all these add-ons? I’m so sick of it! You should be ashamed of yourself!””

(The customer continues her tirade and the poor cashier looks like she is near tears. The customer is finished, then the cashier rings up my order. The customer continues to stand at the counter as she is waiting for her food.)

Cashier, to me: “Would you like to donate a dollar to [charity]? You’ll receive a free coupon book.”

Me: “A coupon book? Sure, why not?”

(The cashier takes my money, and hands me the coupon book.)

Customer, to me: “What kind of coupons are in there?”

Me: “I don’t know. You can take a look, if you want.”

(The customer flips through the coupon book. She then goes to put it in her purse.)

Me: “Excuse me? That was my coupon book.”

Customer: “Oh right! Oops! How silly of me!”

(She hands me the coupon book.)

Customer: “Say, how about if I buy that $10 off coupon for [local party supplies store] off of you for $1?”

Me: “Well, I guess so.”

(The customer hands me $1, and I give her the coupon. I then turn to the cashier and give her the dollar.)

Me, to cashier: “Can I donate another dollar and get another coupon book?”

Cashier: “Sure!”

(The customer looks confused and embarrassed.)

Me, to customer: “Oh, by the way, I get annoyed with all of the extra questions and add-ons too. But I find a simple, ‘No, thank you,’ works just fine.”

Customer: “Hmph!”

(She crosses her arms and pouts until her food is ready. She then grabs it and stomps out.)

(A teenage customer comes up to our parts counter.)

Customer: “I need brakes for my car.”

Me: “No problem. What kind of car is it?”

Customer: “A Honda.”

Me: “Okay, what model?”

(She sighs dramatically and then whips out her cell.)

Customer: “Daddy, what model is my Honda?” *hangs up* “Civic.”

(I try to catch her before she hangs up.)

Me: “Is that a DX, EX or LX?”

Customer: “God!” *dials again* “Daddy, is that a DX or whatever? No, I drove it today.” *to me* “He says it’s an LX.”

Me: “Standard or automatic?”

Customer: *starts dialing*

Me: “Ma’am, if your car is here, I can come out and look this information up so you don’t have to.”

Customer: “Nah, I don’t want you to have to go to all that trouble!”

(She discovers it is an automatic, and hangs up again.)

Me: “Last question. Is that a 2-door or 4-door?”

Customer: “Sheesh!”

(She dials her phone, and repeats the question.)

Customer: “Oh.” *looks sheepish* “That was a really stupid question, wasn’t it?”