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    The Strong Arm Of The Law

    | Baton Rouge, LA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (Our store buys used video games to resell. It’s not uncommon for people to try to sell stolen merchandise, so we have a “bad trader” list. Two teens walk in, and one of them is on our list. I recognize them immediately.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [store name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer #1: “Yeah, I want to trade some games in.”

    (Customer #1 hands me a stack of games, but it’s just discs…no cases.)

    Me: “Are you over 18 with a valid picture ID?”

    Customer #1: “No, but he is.”

    Customer #2: *hands me his ID*

    (I quickly look through the games. I take Customer #2′s ID and verify he is on our bad trader list.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t take these.”

    Customer #1: “Man, why not?!”

    Me: “We just don’t need these in stock right now.”

    Customer #1: *getting aggressive* “I trade in here all time! You gotta take my games. There ain’t nothin wrong with ‘em!”

    Me: *stalling* “We can’t take them. I can check the computer and tell you what they’re worth, but I can’t take them.”

    Customer #1: “Okay, yeah…check ‘em.”

    (While I’m checking the games, a really big, burly guy walks in.)

    Burly Guy: *to me* “Ma’am, don’t give them any money for those games! I saw them steal those games from [retailer] across the street and take them out out of their packaging before coming in here.”

    (At this point, Customer #1 starts edging towards the door. The burly guy reaches out and grabs him by his collar with one hand.)

    Burly Guy: *whips out his police badge* “If you take one more step, I WILL taze you!”

    (The two thieves were arrested right then and there!)

    So Much Pun

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Awesome Customers, Language & Words, Top

    (I’m zoning the laundry aisle at a popular retail store. An elderly couple walks down the aisle. The husband makes a pun of every name brand he walks by.)

    Customer: “CHEER up, dear. We’re in a new ERA now. We’re ALL together, and have everything to GAIN. So SNUGGLE up, but be careful. There’s a TIDE coming in, so SURF’s up!”

    (Best. Old dude. Ever.)

    You’re Just Shorting Yourself

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Money, Top

    (On this day, we are selling cups of tall coffee for a quarter to celebrate our 25th anniversary in Canada.)

    Customer #1: “One short dark coffee.”

    Me: “Oh, today is your lucky day! A tall coffee is a quarter, so let me get you a bigger cup of coffee for less money!”

    Customer #1: “I want a short.”

    Me: “Well, a short is 8 oz at $1.74 after tax, but a tall is 12 oz at $0.28 after tax—today only.”

    Customer #1: “Don’t cheat me! I don’t want more coffee!”

    Me: “But it costs less…maybe I could charge you for a tall and just fill it half way?”

    Customer #1: “Stop your trickery and give me what I want. You are trying to rip me off!”

    Me: “Okay. One short coffee…that’s $1.74.”

    Customer #1: “Thank you. Was that so freaking hard?!”

    (The customer walks away, and the next customer approaches.)

    Customer #2: “So, let me get this straight: I can get like four coffees for the price of a short?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer #2: “Oh, that’s a great deal! I’ll get four!”

    (Hearing this, Customer #1 turns back to the counter, enraged.)

    Customer #1: “You’re giving him FOUR?! You’re playing favorites, you b****!”

    Me: *shocked*

    Customer #2: “How much do you hate your job right now?”

    Thick(headed) As Thieves, Part 2

    | UK | Criminal/Illegal, Technology, Top

    (Our ISP has recently had to block access to a certain download site as the result of a court order. This takes place the day that the block came into effect.)

    Customer: “Why can I not access [site]?”

    Me: “As part of a court order, [site] has now been blocked on our network. If you wish further information regarding this please refer to [information site].”

    Customer: “I want a discount!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I want a discount! I pay for a service and you are now limiting my service. I want money off my subs!”

    Me: “I’m afraid that we cannot do that.”

    Customer: “What am I supposed to do now? I got hundreds of movies, shows and games off that site! Where will I get them now?”

    Me: “I guess you’ll have to purchase them, sir.”

    Customer: “Why? They’re available free online and now you’re preventing me getting them. How is that fair?”

    Me: “Most of the content on that site was illegal and it is against the terms of your service to use your connection for the illegal download of copyrighted material.”

    Customer: “Don’t be stupid. If it was illegal, why would it be available for download for free?”

    Me: “That’s why we’ve had to block the site, sir. It’s because of all the illegal content.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t download anything illegal from it, so unblock it now!”

    Me: “What was the last thing you downloaded, sir?”

    (The customer tells me the name of an exceptionally popular movie. It’s still doing extremely well in the cinema, and won’t be available at retail until September.)

    Me: “That’s still in the cinemas, sir. You can’t even buy that in the shops yet. That would be an illegal download.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not!”

    (This goes on for another 15 minutes, with the customer adamant that because he could download it for free, then it must be legal. Note that he has also been extremely rude and aggressive whilst I remain calm.)

    Me: “Sir, I take it that you are going to continue to download illegal material?”

    Customer: “Yes, because it’s not illegal!”

    Me: “That’s fine, sir. I’ve just processed an immediate cancel of your services. Your broadband service will be cancelled within the next hour due to breach of your terms of service. Your details will also be passed to the relevant authorities to investigate your illegal activities. Your final bill is [price]. We no longer wish you as a customer. Thank you for your time.”

    (I passed on the details and his service was cancelled within 10 minutes. I’ve yet to hear about whether he was investigated or not. My manager gave me a cookie for dealing with the call so well.)

    Related:
    Thick(headed) As Thieves

    Hard Hats vs. Hard Heads

    | Buffalo, NY, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (One day, I have a flat tire in front of a coffee & donut shop that is under construction. The shop is obviously unfinished, and is full of equipment and blocked by orange cones. The construction workers on site kindly change my tire and refuse to take my money, so the next day I return with pizzas, wings, and subs as a thank you. As I’m passing out food, an SUV pulls into the lot. The SUV mows down an orange cone which gets stuck under the vehicle and starts making the loudest grinding noise imaginable as it’s dragged along. The foreman goes over to speak to the woman driver. She is yelling at the drive-thru apparatus, which is obviously not operational–just like the rest of the unfinished coffee & donut shop.)

    Woman: “I’d like a large fries, a Big Mac, and a Diet Coke, please!”

    Foreman: “Ma’am, this location is still under construction. There’s no one here to take your order. Furthermore, this is a coffee and donut chain. Even when the building is done, they won’t sell burgers. If you’re looking for burgers, go up the street to the corner.”

    Woman: *exasperated sigh* “Oh, alright then. I’ll take a large coffee with three sugars and a bagel sandwich with cream cheese and jam. Ooh, do they have fritters here?”

    Foreman: “I’m sorry if I was unclear, ma’am, but this store isn’t open yet. There are no employees inside to make your food. Heck, the electrical isn’t installed yet.”

    Woman: “Why, you little fibber! I can see your whole crew eating right over there! You just don’t want me to have a lunch break even though you’re getting one!”

    Foreman: “Ma’am, that food was brought by the woman over there in the suit. We helped her change her tire the other day, so she bought us pizza.”

    Woman: “Pizza?! You said this was a coffee and donut place!”

    Foreman: “The pizza was bought at [local grocery store]. It’s not from here.”

    Woman: “From [local grocery store]? Don’t be ridiculous! This building looks nothing like [local grocery store]! Do you think I’m stupid?!”

    Foreman: “I’m paid to build restaurants ma’am, not give IQ tests. But you’re in a restricted construction zone and you need to leave right now.”

    Woman: “This is bulls***! I demand to speak to your manager right this instant!” *she sees me and starts shouting* “Miss! Oh, Miss! I’d like to speak to you!”

    (I pick my way across the unpaved lot.)

    Woman: “Miss, I’d like to lodge a complaint about your employees!”

    Me: “Madam, I’m not their manager and this building isn’t open for business yet. However, if you pull your right wheel up on that curb, perhaps the crew can dislodge the traffic cone stuck beneath you before you leave so it doesn’t damage your vehicle.”

    Woman: “Of course you’re the manager! You’re wearing a suit and heels! And what’s this nonsense about a traffic cone? I didn’t run over any traffic cone! I tell you it’s like the whole world has gone crazy!”

    Me: “Well, it seems like part of it certainly has. Regardless, I’m not the manager here. However, I am the attorney who’s going to flag down that nice police officer across the street if you don’t cease trespassing and vacate these premises immediately.”

    Woman: “Well, I never! I’m going to call the corporate offices and complain about the whole lot of you. You see if I don’t! I’ll have your jobs!”

    (The woman pulls her car out of the lot, oblivious to the horrible noise being made by the still-wedged traffic cone. She also mows down another cone as she leaves, although that one doesn’t stick.)

    Foreman: “Good grief. So much for Darwin and natural selection.”

    Related:
    Hardcovers Vs. Hard Hats


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