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    Inde-fence-ible Behavior

    | New Hampshire, USA | Bigotry, Geography, Top

    (I am a customer at an outlet shoe store in the White Mountains region of New Hampshire. We often get French Canadians who come to New Hampshire for vacations and buy things here to avoid the high taxes they pay in Canada. Most of them speak perfectly fine English but some of them, particularly some of the older people can have some trouble. I speak French fluently, so I’m helping an elderly couple who is having trouble translating the sales signs.)

    Me: *in French* “It says that if you buy one pair of shoes, you get the second pair half off.”

    Elderly Customer: *in French* “Thank you. My English in not good, and some things just don’t translate well—”

    Other Customer: “Don’t do that!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Other Customer: “Don’t pander to them! If they want to live in this country, they should learn to speak English!”

    Me: “I think they are just visiting.”

    Other Customer: “Bulls***! Once they get into our country, they never leave! That’s why we need a fence.” *turns to the elderly couple* “Go back to Mexico!”

    Me: “They’re Canadian.”

    Other Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I heard you speaking Spanish!”

    Me: “That was French. Canada is a bilingual. Plenty of people in Canada speak French as their first language.”

    Other Customer: “We need a fence!”

    Me: “They are from Canada!”

    Other Customer: “We need TWO fences!”

    Sticking To One’s Guns

    | Texas, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    (A squadmate and I from my unit are out at the range, practicing with a pair of higher-priced military style AR rifles. Both of us are wearing civilian clothes and military issue armor and ammo carriers, for practice. A guy in the next lane over has a similarly expensive gun, and the far lane is occupied by an obvious civilian with a much cheaper, wooden rifle.)

    Next Lane: “Look at that s***! Only f****ts use Mosins. It’s a gay rifle!”

    Me: “Oh, that’s not true…” *I look at my buddy* “Do you have a Mosin, darling?”

    My Buddy: *doesn’t miss a beat* “Of course not, baby.”

    (He stops reloading the mag he has and stands very close to me with one arm around my shoulders.)

    Next Lane: *packs up and leaves immediately*

    (I am not gay, but my squad mate is!)

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T

    | Canada | Bigotry, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am the only female working in the parts department in our store. Note: at my previous job, I was involved in a violent fight against a male coworker who tried to assault me. They guy ended up at the hospital and no charges were pressed against me since I acted in self-defense. This story is well known by my current coworkers and my boss and I’m teased mercilessly about being a “man-beater.” This particular day, I’m training a new guy to work on the floor and I’m also acting as the shift supervisor since the department manager is off.)

    Customer: *to my coworker* “I need to find this.” *shows a trailer connector*

    Coworker: “It’s my first week here and I’m not sure if we carry this. However, let me ask my coworker here; she’ll tell me if we have some.”

    Customer: “Her? How can she know something about trailers? She’s a girl. Girls don’t know s*** about trailers!”

    Coworker: “Let me assure you, sir, she is the most knowledgeable employee we have here.”

    Customer: “Well, if she think she can do a man’s job, let’s ask her.”

    (I take a look at his connector.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we do not carry this kind of connector. I could order some, but it will take over two weeks before they come in. May I suggest you go over [trailer store] or [another trailer store]? Both are down the road. They are more specialized than us, and they’ll probably have one in stock.”

    Customer: *to my coworker* “I told you she’ll be useless.”

    Coworker: “Sir, I don’t know what she can tell you more. We don’t keep that kind of stuff in stock, and she suggested two other other store where they sell those kind of products. I think you’ve gotten all the help you need.”

    Customer: *suddenly starts screaming* “Why do you refuse to serve me?! I AM A MAN! I AM A CUSTOMER! I deserve RESPECT and OBEDIENCE! Now you will tell me where the f*** you keep those f***ing connectors!”

    Me: “Sir, I already told you; we do not carry them. Those other stores will happily sell one to you, but I can’t because I don’t have any on hand.”

    Customer: “You useless b****! Find me a manager with something between his legs so we can discuss man things between men!”

    Me: “I am the shift supervisor today, so you’ll have to deal with me. I’ll need you to remain polite or you’ll have to leave.”

    Customer: “Well, I will just stay behind you and get on your nerves! You’ll crack and resign from your job and find yourself a man that will teach you what is it to be a good woman! You’ll find a guy who will beat you into a submissive b****, like any good woman should be!”

    (I send my coworker, who is on the verge of tears, to call the store manager so we can remove the customer from the store.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, the store manager is on his way. I need to ask you to leave the property.”

    (At this point my coworker returns, saying the store manager has called the police and is coming as fast as he can. Meanwhile, the customer starts acting very aggressively toward me; he tries to push me and effectively prevents me from going anywhere. He then turns his attention on my coworker, who doesn’t want to leave me alone with this freak. I’m really fearing for our safety, so I drop down and catch the longest, heaviest draw bar I can find. I smile at my coworker and put on the best “death stare” I can do towards the customer.)

    Customer: *suddenly scared* “…What are you doing? Stop that! You’re scaring me, b****!”

    Me: *grinning but saying nothing*

    Customer: “What are you doing with the bar? Put it down! I am a man… I am the customer… I demand obedience and respect!” *to my coworker* “What the f*** is she doing?! Tell her to stop looking at me like that. She gives me the creeps!”

    Coworker: “I don’t know sir, but around here, she’s known as a ‘man-beater.’ That’s because she sent a man to the hospital… a man that was trying to assault her at her previous job.”

    Customer: “How could they let a crazy woman like this work in a store and deal with customers?!”

    Coworker: “Well, she’s pretty handy for customers like you.”

    Customer: *very frightened* “Um, I’ll just go now, okay? I’ll go to those other stores and see if they have any in stock.”

    (As the customer turns around and starts walking out, he walks directly into the store manager, who is a very tall and broad-shouldered guy.)

    Customer: *to store manager* “Your employees are crazy! Women shouldn’t beat men! It’s the other way around! You should break her and make her obedient and submissive, like any good woman!”

    Store Manager: “Get out of my store now, or I’ll lock you in my office with her!”

    (The customer starts heading towards the exit, but runs straight into two police officers who have just arrived.)

    Customer: *to the police officers* “You gotta protect me! She’s crazy! She’s a man-beater!”

    Police Officer #1: *sarcastically* “Get into our car. You’ll be safe there.”

    (The customer was arrested then and there, which was a good thing: it turned out he was wanted for multiple cases of domestic violence. After his arrest, several ex-girlfriends came out and testified against him, putting him away for good.)

    All That Glitters Is Not Old

    | Florida, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (I’m working at a face painting booth at a local park. A gentleman in his 60s comes up with two small girls. They decide to get painted and hop into the chairs.)

    Me: “Sir, the designs they chose both come with optional glitter and lipstick. Is that okay?”

    Gentleman: “Absolutely, go all out! Glitter, lips, the works. Maybe this’ll teach Grandma not to leave the kids alone with Pop-Pop!”

    Murray’s Law

    | Sydney, Australia | At The Checkout, Top

    (I work at a complaints and returns desk. We generally get a few unreasonable and abusive customers each day, so we’ve developed a very effective tactic for dealing with them.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “You guys are idiots!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “Look at this receipt! Look at it!”

    (He holds up a receipt for a purchase; it looks normal enough.)

    Me: “Is there a problem with it?”

    Customer: “God, you’re so dumb! Look how faint the ink is! I can barely read it! You want me to go blind?!”

    Me: “Ah, well, it looks like the printer’s ink was running a little low, and it can look faded because of that. Would you like me to reprint it so you can read it?”

    Customer: “NO! Then you’ll just get away with it! Stupid idiots!”

    (The customer starts getting worked up and begins a rant full of swear words and physical threats. I realise what the situation calls for.)

    Me: “I am terribly, terribly sorry sir. That looks like Murray did it. What an idiot!”

    (This stops the customer’s rant in his tracks and looks at me, breathless.)

    Customer: “…Murray?”

    Me: “Yes, Murray! He’s always causing problems for customers like you. It’s really unfair. I’ll deal with it right now.” *calling out* “Murray? Come here!”

    (As per protocol, the nearest male coworker who isn’t busy comes over to play the role of Murray.)

    Male Coworker: “Yes?”

    Me: “How dare you upset this customer! You’re fired! Get out!”

    Male Coworker: *acts dejected* “I’m so sorry…”

    (“Murray” shuffles off looking like he’s about to cry, and once out of sight gets right back to work.)

    Me: “There we are, sir. You don’t have to worry about that sort of thing happening ever again. The customer always comes first, and we take complaints very seriously. Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “Wow, you guys are really great! Thanks, and good riddance to that idiot Murray!” *leaves*

    (This isn’t simply to avoid confrontation; our manager estimates that using the “Murray” tactic to placate customers like this saves us nearly an hour of verbal abuse each day, so we have more time to actually help the customers who need it.)

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