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    Category: Top

    We Few, We Unhappy Few

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    (After receiving excellent customer service from a representative, I ask to be transferred to a supervisor.)

    Supervisor: “Hello, I’m [name]. How can I help you?”

    Me: “Hello! I was just working with [name of rep], and I wanted to tell someone what a great job she did. She was patient, friendly, efficient and knowledgeable, and she really helped me out.”

    Supervisor: “I’m very glad to hear that! Thanks so much for bringing this to my attention! I sincerely apologize!”

    Me: “Um…you apologize?”

    Supervisor: “Oops. I meant to say ‘appreciate’. I guess I’m just used to taking calls and immediately having to apologize.”

    Me: *laughing* “No worries whatsoever. I work in customer service, too.”

    Supervisor: “OH. Then you know.”

    Keep Calm And Cop On

    | USA | Top, Wild & Unruly

    (We have one female coworker on our shift, and despite the fact that we’re all more physically intimidating than she is, we usually will let her handle aggressive customers because she tends to freak them out. Not only is she a calm person, but she can’t read body language and therefore doesn’t respond to menacing behavior. Note: she’s also one of the smallest people working in the store.)

    Customer: *barges up to the counter* “You f***ing people sold me some piece of s*** equipment that doesn’t f***ing work!”

    Female Coworker: *blank stare* “I’m sorry, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It doesn’t f***ing work! What, do you got cotton in your ears, little girl?”

    Female Coworker: *dead pan* “You did indicate that the device is not working, sir. I was asking for clarification.”

    Customer: *uneasy* “Well it ain’t…downloadin’ stuff like it’s s’posed to.”

    Female Coworker: *holds out her hand* “May I?”

    (She examines the device for a moment, then turns it off and opens the back of it.)

    Female Coworker: “Sir, how long have you had this device?”

    Customer: “Six weeks.”

    Female Coworker: “…and in that time, how much exposure to water or other liquid has it had?”

    Customer: *leans in and gets in her face* “Don’t you DARE try to blame this on me, you f***ing b***! You little godd*** c***! This is all your fault I know you sold me a faulty device! You will fix it or give me my money back, because I didn’t do s***!”

    Female Coworker: *smiling calmly* “Sir, did you perhaps drop it in the snow last week?”

    Customer: “What the f***’s that got to do with anything?”

    Female Coworker: *hands him the device* “When you can answer that, I’m sure anyone here will be happy to help you. However, as the device has been compromised and not by a factory defect, I’m afraid I cannot help you at this time.”

    (Surprisingly, the customer returned a week later, and very sheepishly apologized for his behavior. On that same occasion, another customer with less self control tried to take a swing at my female coworker. We were delighted to discover the first customer was in fact a cop, and got to watch the other guy get arrested in the middle of the store.)

    That’s What You Get For Choo-Choo-ing Me Out

    | Coventry, UK | Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I work as a maintenance man for the top railway maintenance company in the UK. I’m maintaining buttons on the station platforms—important buttons that station staff use to let the signalman know the train is boarded and ready to leave. I must also add that to test these buttons, we need a train to be present.)

    Customer: “Excuse me lad, can you tell me when the next train to Euston is, please?”

    Me: *looking up at information boards* “I can see that it is due any minute now. Should you need any more help, you can just refer to the digital screens above you.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me!”

    Me: “E-Excuse me?”

    Customer: “I checked on my phone half hour ago, and it said the train was due at 22 minutes past. It is now half past.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Usually, the station staff can tell you why the delay has been caused, but I can tell from the screen…” *points* “…that it is expected in a couple of minutes. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you any more, as I’m just here to make the trains safe to run.”

    Customer: “F***ing typical! Won’t help no c***!”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “You railwaymen are all the f***ing same! Whenever I see you ‘working,’ you are just standing about!”

    Me: “I assure you, sir, we work very hard, but currently we are waiting for a train so we can test the station’s communication with the signalman. Without a train, the button panel won’t communicate with him.”

    Customer: “Bull****!”

    Me: “Well, I—”

    Customer: “Whenever I pass you guys on the train, you are always standing at the side of the track, doing nothing! No wonder train fares increased because YOU b******s are leeching the system!”

    Me: “Are you talking about when the train is moving and you see men like us on the track?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, if we were maintaining things on the track…how are we meant to do that if a train is driving over it?”

    Customer: *turns red*

    (He runs off, mumbling, before catching a station attendant and ripping into him as well…and missing his train in the process.)

    Surrogate Swearers

    | Hampshire, UK | At The Checkout, Language & Words, Top

    (I am working on a till that frequently has problems with the scanner. I attempt to scan a customer’s item, but the barcode won’t go through and I mouth a swear to myself.)

    Customer: “Go on, say it.”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Customer’s Husband: “What did she do?”

    Customer: “Swore under her breath.” *turns back to me* “You can say it. Vents the frustrations!”

    Me: “I’m afraid I’m not allowed to swear in front of the customers.”

    Customer: “Shall I say it for you?”

    Me: “If you like.”

    Customer: “Bugger!”

    Me: “Ah, I feel better now.”

    Never Say No To La Novia

    | Roselle, NJ, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Top

    (I am watching my girlfriend’s two-year-old sister near the counter while she does her shopping. Her sister is learning to talk in Spanish, so I’m quizzing her with colors. While we’re playing, a seven-year-old girl approaches us and asks to play because she takes Spanish at school. Everything is fine until the girl’s mother comes.)

    Mother: “Leona, what are you doing? You know not to bother people.”

    Me: “Oh, she’s not, ma’am. She just asked to play with me and my girlfriend’s sister.”

    Mother: “Girlfriend?” *thinks for a few moments* “Oh, a close friend! Sorry, I was thinking you meant a girl you were dating.”

    Me: “I did. I am dating a girl. This little girl is her sister and your daughter was just playing with us. She wasn’t bothering us.”

    Mother: “What?! Leona, you were playing with a homo?!? Come over here, right now!”

    (In tears, the girl slowly approaches her mother, who yells at her about how she knows better than to interact with “h***-bound sinners” like me. She then chides me for “sinning” around such a small child, referring to my girlfriend’s sister. While I’m speechless, a man comes up, who I assume is the girl’s father.)

    Father: *to the mother* “I got the rest of the stuff. What are you yelling about?”

    Mother: *to her daughter* “Tell Daddy what you did!”

    (In hysterics, the girl tells her father what happened, ending her telling by clinging to his leg and apologizing over and over. I’m feeling dreadful and very guilty and am near tears myself. But to my surprise, this happens.)

    Father: *to the mother* “Are you serious?! What is wrong with you?! I don’t even know why I came out with you! Just go wait in the car! Sheesh!”

    (The mother, now apparently embarrassed, exits the store. The father calms his daughter down and apologizes to her and me before leaving. Right after they leave, my girlfriend comes up, having seen the whole thing.)

    My Girlfriend: “I actually know that family. The father moved in next door to me two weeks ago. That girl’s parents are divorced and her parents have joint custody of her, but today is her birthday and she wanted to be with both of them together. They said yes to make her happy, but I don’t think that’ll happen again.”

    (A few weeks later, my girlfriend tells me the father got full custody of his daughter. Now, she and my girlfriend’s sister play together on a daily basis, and I occasionally help her with her Spanish homework.)

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