(Back when they were common technology, we sent out a software update on four floppy disks.)

Customer: “The computer says it’s unable to read disk two.”

Me: “Can we start the installation again just to check it is the disk that is the problem, please? Put the disk in the drive and type ‘a:update’. Then, press enter.

Customer: “Okay. It says it’s unable to read disk one now.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Did you try that with disk one or two?”

Customer: “Both.”

Me: “No, sorry. Just then, not earlier. Was the disk in the drive disk one, or two?”

Customer: “Both. Both disks are in the drive. Why? Was I supposed to take the first one out before putting the second one in? It didn’t say to do so, just to insert disk 2.”

Me: “You’ve got two disks in the drive at the same time? That must’ve been difficult to manage.”

Customer: “Not when you hit the second one with an encyclopedia.”

(A customer asks for the bill. I give it to her.)

Customer: “Hold on, where am I?”

Me: “You’re in [restaurant].”

Customer: “No, what country?”

Me: “Seriously?”

*blank stare*

(At this moment I notice a large bag on the table next to her and a large travel backpack on the seat next to her.)

Me: “Australia. Are you backpacking the world?”

(The customer opens her bag and pulls out over a dozen envelopes with different countries written on them. France, Russia, China, Germany, Thailand, etc. She pulls Austria out of the pile.)

Me: “No, it’s Australia.”

(The customer puts it back and finds her Australia envelope. Out of the envelope comes Euros.)

Me: “Okay, get Austria.”

Customer: “You told me that’s wrong.”

Me: “You misplaced your money.”

(The customer reluctantly gets her Austria envelope again. Out of the envelope comes Australian dollars, which I happily accept. She puts everything back in the wrong envelope.)

Me: “I think you should put them in the correct envelope this time. Euros doesn’t need to be separated by country. You can name multiple countries on that one envelope.”

Customer: *yelling* “Don’t tell me what to do! I’m the one travelling, not you. Don’t forget, you’re the one who told me my first envelope was wrong!”

(I am working on replacing a computer at a customer’s house. The customer’s mother walks in.)

Me: “Okay, I’m going to look at your video card now.”

Mother: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Looking at the video card.”

(I take off the case to the computer.)

Mother: “What are you doing?! You said you were looking at the video card!”

Me: “I have to take the case off to see it.”

Mother: “I don’t feel comfortable with someone your age working inside my son’s computer.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am a fully certified technician. I’ve built and sold 3 computers in the past week. I will not harm your computer.”

Mother: “I will just get my husband to do it, since he is more qualified.”

Me: “Well, that is fine. For my reference, what are his qualifications?”

Mother: “He fixes our internet when it goes down.”

(I am reinstalling the operating system on one of the student computers. I leave a note on it stating that it is out of order, and that students shouldn’t touch the computer. A tutor walks in, and reads the note. He looks at computer screen, and reads the note one more time. He then turns the computer off before I can react.)

Tutor: “I think there’s something wrong with this computer.”

Me: “Why did you turn it off? Who told you to turn off?”

Tutor: “Oh, the note said students weren’t allowed to touch it.”

Me: “Okay, there’s a loophole there, I guess. But why did you turn it off?”

Tutor: “I don’t know.”

(A customer comes to pick up her cake. I hand it to her and she starts to laugh.)

Customer: “You’ve spelled this wrong, honey.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I can fix it for you right away. How do you spell the name?”

Customer: “The name is right. It’s ‘Congratulations’ you’ve spelled wrong.”

(I look at the cake but see no error.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see a mistake.”

Customer: “Right here. You’ve spelled it with a ‘t’ instead of a ‘d’. It’s okay. You can just give me a discount and I’ll go on with it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m not authorized to give discounts.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager.”

(Long story short, we ended up having to find a dictionary to prove I had spelled it right. She didn’t get a discount.)