November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

Category: Top

Lightening In A Bottle

| Maryland, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

(The wine store I work at has a fully functional bar. On this particular night, the store is very busy as we are having a wine tasting that is open to the public. This day also happens to be the one before my birthday. I am mixing a drink for a well-to-do regular customer).

Customer: “So, how have you been lately?”

Me: “Pretty good.”

Customer: “What time will you be in tomorrow?”

Me: “I actually have the day off. It is my birthday.”

Customer: “Oh, is it? Did [owner] get you anything nice?”

Me: “I doubt it.”

Customer: “Well, that is too bad. Hey, could you help me find a good Portuguese wine?”

(For the next ten minutes, I show him red blends, Riojas, and other wonderful Portuguese wines.)

Customer: “If you could get any of these, which would you get?”

Me: “Well, that depends. Most of these are out of my price range, but this $10.99 bottle would be great.”

Customer: “But I want the best one that is over here, regardless of price.”

(I show him a really good one that is $60 a bottle.)

Customer: “I want this one. Can I buy it, set it on the counter, and enjoy some more drinks at the bar?”

Me: “Absolutely!”

(The customer stays for a few more hours talking to me about the college I had went to, and jobs I am interested in. About an hour before closing, he says it is time to go, and heads to the counter where his purchases are still sitting. I proceed to clean up the bar as he approaches me.)

Customer: “I thought it a shame that a person as friendly and knowledgable as you didn’t get a birthday gift after working here for years. This is yours.”

(He hands me a wrapped bag, and when I unwrap it, it is the expensive wine I had recommended. As I look up to thank him, he is already out the door, but he gives me a wave and a large smile. It is people like that who make working a minimum wage job worth it!)

That’s The Way He Bypassed The Brady Punch

| Brampton, ON, Canada | Rude & Risque, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I’m out for the evening with my younger sister. We’re just having a few drinks at a bar that’s close by. I’m 6’2″, 275 lbs, and my sister is 5’9, 180 lbs.)

Drunk Guy: *to my sister* “You know you’ve got really nice tits. You know that, right?”

Me: “Excuse you?”

Drunk Guy: “No, really! She’s got a fantastic rack!”

Me: “Buddy, back off. Go bother someone else.”

Drunk Guy: “What’re you going to do about it? What are you, her boyfriend or some s*** like that?”

(At this point, a bouncer walks up behind him. He knows our family as patrons of this bar.)

Bouncer: *to the drunk guy* “First of all, I’m going to eject you from this place, by your will or otherwise. Secondly, I’m going to let this big guy here beat the snot out of you and that’s AFTER his sister kicks your A**, and I’m more scared of her than I am of him. Thirdly, that big guy right there is one of the most scary people that I’ve ever met, especially when protecting family.”

Drunk Guy: *nods very quickly and shuffles out of the bar*

Me: “Thanks.”

Bouncer: “Nobody messes with this MOTHERF***ING family!” *walks off*

From The Odd Couple To The Applauded Couple

| Canberra, Australia | Bigotry, Top

(I am working the day shift at our grocery store. I’m almost always working with the same two coworkers: Coworker #2 is a great, if manically excitable actor, while Coworker #1 is a very flamboyant gay who usually styles up his uniform. The customers love them, since they’re best friends and spend most of their time bantering back and forth like an odd couple. On this day, a man and a woman, both clearly tourists, walk over to the counter.)

Man: *to Coworker #1* “Hey there! We were just wondering if you keep any good brandy in stock?”

Coworker #1: “You are in luck, sir! What takes your fancy?”

(From the moment he speaks, the man’s face goes from a friendly smile, to a grimace, to a particularly vicious glare.)

Man: “OH. MY. GOD!”

Coworker #1: *concerned* “What’s the matter, sir?”

Man: “Are you a f**?! Oh my God, they’ve got a f** working the counter!”

Woman: “You should be ashamed of yourself! There are children here!”

(I won’t write out in full what they said, but the man and woman start screaming expletives at him, and accuse him of everything from raising the prices to poisoning the cigars. It’s all very bigoted and disgusting, and the other customers present are horrified while Coworker #1 is almost in tears. Suddenly, Coworker #2, who has just come out of the back, hears this and pushes through the crowd.)

Coworker #2: “Excuse me, folks?”

Woman: “Oh finally, a God-fearing man! Can you please get that f** out of our sight?!”

(Coworker #2 is straight, but he pushes the man aside and grabs Coworker #1 in a tender embrace.)

Coworker #2: “Actually, I was going to ask you to get out. But when in Canberra…”

(In front of the whole store, Coworker #2 sweeps Coworker #1 into an overly dramatic, passionate kiss right on the lips. In abject terror, the couple flees the store. The other customers in the store break out in applause.)

Man: “This is DISGUSTING!” *flees out of the store with his wife*

Coworker #1: *breaks out into a huge grin* “Speak for yourself!”

Not The Britest Bagel In The Bunch

| Rhode Island, USA | Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Top

(I’m a baker of the store, so I make all the donuts, bagels and muffins three days a week. This particular day I have finished baking and am now working on sandwich station. My hair is often multi-colored, so my coworkers call me ‘Rainbow Brite.’)

Customer: “The girl making sandwiches got this hair in my food.”

Coworker: “Oh, I’m very sorry, ma’am. Let me see that and we’ll remake it for you.”

(The customer hands over a bagel which has a long blond hair sticking out of the cream cheese. My hair is short and currently black with pink/purple bangs. However, the customer’s daughter has long blond hair. Also, we don’t have a single blond girl working at our store—just two blond boys who have buzzcuts.)

Coworker: “Well, ma’am, while this hair didn’t come from her, I’ll have her make it over for you anyways.”

Customer: “Of course it’s her hair! Who else’s hair could it be?! I bet you are just covering for her. Let me speak to the person in charge.”

Coworker: “Rainbow Brite, she wants to talk to you.”

Me: *smiles* “Hi, hun, can I help you with something?”

Customer: “I found this long blond hair in my bagel. Your coworker accused me of lying when I said it came from the girl making sandwiches!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can tell you she was telling the truth that the hair didn’t come from the sandwich girl, because that’s me, and my hair is neither blond nor long. However, I can remake your bagel and give you a refund if you would like.”

Customer: “How dare you accuse me of lying?! I demand a refund!”

Me: “Of course, ma’am. Let me make your bagel again.”

(I remake her bagel and give her a refund. As she’s walking out, her daughter speaks.)

Customer’s Daughter: “Mommy, why were you so mean to her? You got my hair in the bagel, not her!”

Customer: *turns bright red and leaves in a hurry*

Get Your Own Employee

| California, USA | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Top

(It is a really busy weekend at the grocery store. I am trying to restock some product, but I am being asked for help left and right by customers.)

Customer #1: “Hi! Can you help me find the salad dressing?”

Me: “Of course! If you’ll just follow me, I can show you exactly where they are.”

Customer #1: “Which one do you like best?”

Me: “Personally—”

(Suddenly another customer interrupts us.)

Customer #2: “Show me where the olives are!”

Me: “Miss, they’re two sections over on the very bottom shelf.” *to the first customer* “I really prefer the red wine—”

Customer #2: “I can’t believe you won’t show me where they are. Are you really that lazy that you can’t take the time to help me?”

Customer #1: “Back the f*** off, lady! She’s working her a** off! You’re the one being a lazy b****!”

(The second customer grabs her olives and storms off.)

Me: *to Customer #1* “You’re my favorite customer!”