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    Who’s The Alpha Ape Now

    | USA | Bigotry, Top

    (I have a coworker who is on the petite side. That, combined with her being female, seems to make people think they can intimidate her really easily. This makes it especially amusing to watch when they figure out that they can’t. This day, she’s dealing with a particularly rude customer who is at least a foot taller than she is, and has been acting like he expects to be feared.)

    Rude Customer: “Hey, B****!”

    Coworker: *blank stare* “Pardon?”

    Rude Customer: “I was trying to get your attention, lady! That seems to be the only way to get you skirts to get your minds off your lady troubles!”

    Coworker: “Well, sir I don’t know what you mean by ‘lady troubles’, but what can I do for you today?”

    (By now, the rude customer is behaving very aggressively, gesturing wildly and almost hitting her.)

    Rude Customer: “You know, LADY TROUBLES! Like shopping, shoes, boyfriends…LADY TROUBLES!”

    (My coworker is still smiling, not off-put at all by the rude customer’s behavior.)

    Coworker: “Single, hate shopping, have enough shoes. Is there anything you wanted to ask about that I can help you with? Because, if not, there are other customers that I’m sure would be willing to tell me what they need help with.”

    Rude Customer: *taken aback* “I need to find something for my wife.”

    Coworker: “…and what would that be, sir?”

    Rude Customer: *uncomfortable* “Well I…I want to get her some lingerie—”

    Coworker: “That’ll be upstairs on your left. If there’s anything specific you’re trying to find, I’m sure they’ll be happy to help you.”

    (The rude customer’s behavior has now completely flipped. He’s extremely uncomfortable, almost mumbling, and won’t make eye contact with my coworker.)

    Rude Customer: “Right…” *walks off to escalator*

    Next Customer: “Oh my, I don’t know how you kept your composure!”

    Me: “I don’t know how she did, either.”

    Coworker: “Well, usually when the lower primates get aggressive, it’s best not to respond to their aggression with fear because it’s what they want. More aggression just makes it worse. Plus, making them uncomfortable is REALLY fun!”

    To Bacon, Or Not To Bacon, That Is The Digestion

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

    (I am taking a table’s order.)

    Me: “Okay, sir. What can I get for you to eat?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a bacon cheeseburger, but if they add bacon to it, I don’t want bacon.”

    Me: “So, do you want a regular cheeseburger?”

    Customer: “No. I want my burger to have bacon on it. But if it comes with bacon, then I don’t want bacon.”

    (I have absolutely no idea what he is asking for, and all his friends seem to be as confused as I am.)

    Me: “Okay, just to make sure I am understanding you correctly, I am going to repeat what you are asking for.”

    Customer: “Okay.”

    Me: “You want a bacon cheeseburger, and if there is bacon on it, you don’t want the bacon.”

    Customer: “Right.”

    Me: “But you definitely want the bacon on the burger.”

    Customer: “Right.”

    (Now all his friends are laughing, and I have no idea what to say. Suddenly, the customer realizes what he’s been saying.)

    Customer: “PICKLES! Oh my God, I don’t want PICKLES on the burger!”

    Me: “Oh, thank God! I was starting to think I went crazy!”

    Perceiving Percival

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Geeks Rule, Top

    Me: “Was there any particular style of glasses you where looking for today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for some horn rimmed, half-moon spectacles.”

    (As an avid Harry Potter fan, I recognize this as the word-for-word description of a certain character’s glasses.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, Professor Dumbledore, but I believe we sold our last pair this morning.”

    Customer: *surprised* “Oh, wow! I really wasn’t expecting anyone to catch that!”

    Man Up And Let A Woman Fix It

    | Naples, FL, USA | Bigotry, Technology, Top

    (One of the new girls is trying to take care of an older gentleman who is having a problem with his phone. I actually discovered a temporary fix for the issue and have taught it to the new girl while we wait for a permanent one from corporate. I’m at the station right next to hers, and she’s done a good job at determining the issue, but she’s just having a hard time remembering the instructions for the fix. Note that I am also female.)

    Customer: “You have no idea what you’re doing do you? Get me a tech guy now!”

    New Girl: “Sir, we don’t have techs here, but I know exactly what the problem is and I can fix it. Give me a minute to—”

    Customer: “I SAID get me a tech guy! Geez, women can’t do anything right!”

    (Frustrated, the new girl turns to me.)

    New Girl: “Hey, that fix you showed me…how—”

    Customer: “Did you not hear me?! I said tech GUY! As in, get me a MAN!”

    New Girl: “Sir, I can assure you, she’s the closest thing to a tech that we have here at the store.”

    Customer: “Ugh! She’s not going to know anything either!”

    Me: “Actually, sir, your problem is an easy fix. I know exactly—”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! I want to speak to your manager now!”

    Me: “Sure thing.”

    (I go to the back room and proceed to get both our assistant manager and our district manager, whose office is in our building. Neither one of them has a clue on how to fix the memory issue, so they both ask me why the customer doesn’t just let me fix it. They agree to speak to the customer.)

    Customer: “Oh, thank God! Men!”

    Assistant Manager: *takes phone and looks at it* “So, it’s the memory, huh?”

    New Girl: “Yep.”

    District Manager: *to assistant manager* “Okay, then…you know what to do.”

    Assistant Manager: “Yes, sir!” *hands phone to me* “Fix this thing since you’re the only one here who knows how to!”

    Me: “Sure!” *takes phone*

    Customer: *shocked* “I don’t want her touching it! She’s a woman! How the h***—”

    District Manager: “Yes, she is, and a great one at that. If it wasn’t for this young lady figuring out this issue, our company would be losing tens of thousands of dollars in replacement phones right now.”

    Customer: “But women can’t—”

    Assistant Manager: “I’m VERY happy to have her here in my store and I will do anything to protect all of my employees. If I hear one more biased comment out of your mouth, I will have her hand you back the phone RIGHT NOW and you can leave here with your phone still messed up.”

    Customer: *face turns beet red and shuts up*

    (I proceed to go though the phone, showing the new girl step-by-step how to fix the issue in the future. When we’re done, I hand her the phone to give back to the customer.)

    New Girl: “So, there you go, it’s fixed! Was there anything else we could help you with today?”

    Customer: *silently walks out the door with his phone, defeated*

    Me: *to the new girl* “Good job. Don’t worry, it happens a lot.” *to my managers* “Thanks for the support, guys. I appreciate it.”

    District Manager: “Oh, don’t worry, we know better. And you’ll be rewarded, trust me!”

    (I was rewarded. I won MVP of our store for that quarter and got a bonus!)

    Respect Your Zombie Elders

    | Delaware, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top

    (I am a customer at a very popular superstore in my town. I have my five-year-old daughter in line with me. An elderly customer is in front of me talking to the cashier.)

    Cashier: “Hello, how can I help—”

    Customer: “How dare you.”

    Cashier: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “How dare you wear that keychain!”

    Cashier: “I don’t understand.”

    Customer: “That!”

    (The customer points at the cashier’s keychain, which has a zombie on it.)

    Customer: “How could you support that man in Florida? He ate another man’s face while he was naked! How dare you!”

    (The cashier is completely stunned, but my daughter suddenly steps up to the aggravated woman.)

    My Daughter: “Lady, that man wasn’t a zombie. He was just crazy. Zombie’s aren’t real! You should know that. You’re about a hundred!”


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