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    Just Plain Nuts

    | Panama City Beach, FL, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body, Top

    Customer: “So, does the Rocky Road have peanuts in it? I’m allergic to peanuts.”

    Me: “I’m afraid it does, sir. I’d recommend the Cookie Dough; it’s very good.”

    Customer: “No, no, I’ve had that before. Thanks for telling me about the Rocky Road though. Allergies, you know?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, my friend is very allergic to peanuts, too.”

    Customer: “You’re such a nice girl. All right, I think I’ll have vanilla with the peanut butter candy on top.”

    Me: “Sir? Um… the candy has p—”

    Customer: “Look, kiddo, you were a big help but gimme my darn ice cream, okay? I’m in a bit of a hurry!”

    Me: “Sir, you just told me you had a peanut allergy. I can’t in good conscience give you that topping.”

    Customer: “You’re a teenager. You don’t have a conscience! You’re probably waiting for your boyfriend to show up so you can have sex and do drugs!”

    Me: *dumbstruck*

    Other Customer: “Hey, jerkface, she’s trying to tell you that the candy has peanuts in it! For not having a conscience, she’s being pretty nice about keeping you out of the hospital!”

    Customer: *leaves in a huff*

    Other Customer: “I’m not allergic to peanuts or delusional. One Rocky Road!”

    Your Bigotry Is Kilting Me

    | Portland, OR, USA | Bigotry, Top

    (I’m working at the entrance of a local heritage fair when a white pickup truck pulls up. The driver, a large middle-aged man, gets out and stomps towards my desk.)

    Customer: *slams his hands on the table* “What the f*** do you Mexicans think you’re doing?”

    Me: *confused* “Sir, we—”

    Customer: “Look, I don’t want you d*** w******* here in the first place. I want you all back over the border where you belong!”

    Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re being very offensive, and this is—”

    Customer: “But if you’re going to come to my godd*** country, you’re going to act like real Americans and not fly those f***ing Mexican flags and speak that s***-eating language, and you aren’t gonna celebrate being a bunch of f***ing foreigners!”

    Me: “Security to entrance!”

    Customer: *jumps back into his car and starts driving off* “Go back to Mexico!”

    (The racist driver never returned. The heritage event in question, by the way, was the Scottish Highland Games.)

    We’ll Make You As Right As Rain

    | Florida, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (It’s a Friday night after the evening rush. It’s pouring rain, and generally people are more irritable if they have to be in the rain after a long day at work. Such is the case with this customer.)

    Customer: *walks in* “Evenin’.”

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [shop name]. Did you already have an order with us?”

    Customer: “No. Do you have a menu I can look at?”

    Me: “Yes, I have one right here.”

    (I hand her a take-home menu, but there is a large board menu above me that’s pretty obvious.)

    Customer: “Oh, I guess I could’ve just looked up there, huh.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

    Customer: *frowning* “Agreeing with me makes you sound like you’re making fun of me.”

    Me: “I would never. I value your service with us.”

    Customer: “As you should.”

    (15 minutes later…)

    Customer: “Is my pizza done yet?”

    Me: “It should be done any second now.”

    Customer: “Why does it take so long? I could’ve just gone to [competitor shop name] and been home with a pizza by now.”

    Me: “Well, we cook everything to order to ensure your food is always fresh.”

    Customer: “Well, you haven’t done anything except fold pizza boxes. I could’ve done that for you, and you could’ve gone to make my pizza and have it to me quicker.”

    Me: “There’s already a staff on the food line right now. Adding me back there wouldn’t help at all.”

    (She picks up an unfolded pizza box and examines it.)

    Customer: “Well, this is certainly too easy of a job. I could do it blindfolded!”

    (The customer struggles with folding box, and finally gets the box folded after five minutes of toying with it. In that same time, I’ve already made a stack and am working on another set.)

    Customer: “See? Too easy.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, let’s have us a challenge. I get an employee discount to use every week, and I haven’t used it yet. If you can fold an 18-set stack faster than me, I’ll add that discount to your order.”

    Customer: “You’re on!”

    (The customer’s food comes out. She finishes her stack, but long after I’ve completed mine. She picks up her food and begins walking to the door.)

    Customer: “So much for my discount, but thank you for entertaining me. I had a pretty s***y day today, and you cheered me up, AND the rain has stopped. You’ve earned the shop a regular customer!”

    A Knight In Patrolling Armor

    | Costa Rica | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    Me: “So, your total is going to be of 30 thousand colones (60 USD). Here you go, and have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Oh, you’re so nice. Thank you, too. I was wondering if you could do something else for me?”

    Me: “Sure, what is it?”

    Customer: “I was told at my church that they needed more members, and I was asked to bring a few. Would you mind to come?”

    Me: “Well, I apologize, but I wouldn’t like to.”

    Customer: *gets defensive* “Why? Don’t tell me you think we’re all cultists that don’t care about God!”

    Me: “I’m sure you’re not, but I don’t want to go.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not, then? I already told you we’re nice people, so why don’t you go?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if I offended you I apologize, however I don’t want to go. It’s not because you’re nice people or not; it’s because I’m an atheist.”

    Customer: “So, you don’t believe in God, is that it? Well, f*** you! You’re going to Hell! What are you going to tell me next, that you’re a f***ing queer?”

    Me: “In fact, I am a homosexual, but—”

    Customer: “That’s all I needed to know! Being gay is a sin!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “F*** no! You’re kicking me out because I’m a Christian! That’s illegal, and it’s bulls***!”

    (At this point, a man behind her speaks up. Note that he is a police officer in full uniform.)

    Officer: “No, he’s kicking you because you already paid and you’re disturbing the peace. So, I’m going to give you my recommendation: Leave now, or I’ll arrest you.”

    Customer: *suddenly pales and leaves without saying a word*

    Me: “Thank you very much, Officer. Now, how may I help you?”

    Officer: “Actually I didn’t need anything. I was just patrolling when I heard the conflict. However, now that you mention it…” *he blushes a little* “…I need to ask, would you go out in a date with me?”

    Me: “…Of course!”

    (The officer and I have now dating for nearly half a year.)

    You Just Got Schooled, Part 2

    | PA, USA | School, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I’ve just moved to a small town, where the job market is even worse than most places. I’ve taken a job waiting tables at a small diner. I’m waiting on an older man and his wife when the following exchange takes place.)

    Customer: “So, why didn’t you go to college?”

    Me: “Um, I did.”

    Customer: “Oh, didn’t make it?”

    Me: “No. I graduated five years ago.”

    Customer: “Well, I meant a real school… not like [local community college].”

    Me: “Actually, I went to [Ivy League school].”

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, that’s a good school, dear!”

    Customer: “So, what are you doing here?”

    Customer’s Wife: “She’s trying to take your order. So stop being a jack*** and tell the nice girl what you’d like already!”

    Related:
    You Just Got Schooled

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