Me: “Emergency veterinary clinic, how can I help you?”
Caller: *worried female voice* “My dog has a red thing on him.”
Me: “Is it actively bleeding?”
Caller: “No.”
Me: “Where is it located?”
Caller: “On his tummy.”
Me: “Can you describe it to me? How large is it? Does it look more like a cut, a rash or an abrasion?”
Caller: “It looks like a little stick of lipstick.”
Me: “That’s his p****.”
Caller: *hangs up*
Lady: “Hi, I was wondering if I could return some rotten milk? Or get it replaced, or a refund or something.”
Me: “Well, when did you buy it?”
Lady: “A week ago.”
Me: “Okay, when did it expire?”
Lady: “Yesterday.”
Me: “So, you bought it before the expiration date, then it expired. Correct?”
Lady: “Um, yeah, I guess so…”
Me: “We can’t return that, then.”
Lady: “WHAT THE *%!*?! ARE YOU *%!*ING KIDDING ME?!”
Me: “Are you serious? You bought it before it expired, kept it until AFTER it expired, and now want to return it?”
Lady: “WELL YOU HAVE A NICE *%!*ING DAY.”
Me: “You too, ma’am.”
Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this ‘Windows’–because of the icons–I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to-”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘industry terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…it’s a ‘little picture’, okay?”
Customer: *hangs up*
(Working as a manager for a retail electronics business, I have a customer come in with a DVD player in a box, opened)
Customer: “This DVD player doesn’t work. It won’t play my DVDs. Can I get an exchange?”
Me: “Well, lets see if we can get it to work.”
(I take the DVD player over to the AV wall and quickly hook it up to our system. Under 30 seconds to do so, the customer in tow)
Me: “Oh, here’s the problem. It seems that the disc somehow ended up upside down in the DVD player.”
(I flip the DVD over without even looking at the disc or anything and push it back in, turning back to the customer)
Customer: “Oh great! I knew something wasn’t quite ri…”
(Suddenly, coming up on all my TVs, blaring through the sound system that is usually playing a music DVD, comes blasting ‘Bow Chicka-Bow Bow!’ and a rather grotesque scene of cheesy porn. I think it is the fastest I have ever moved, because by the time the first customer turned around to see what was going on, I had the AV cables yanked)
Customer: “Uh… That’s where that went! Heh…” *VERY sheepish look*
Me: “Okay, all fixed. Need me to help put this back in the box for you?”
Customer: “No, thanks. I can do it. Thank you for all your help.”
(I guess I wasn’t quick enough or just the sheer recognition of the music line, because I had two customers laughing very hard and one old lady who walked out very fast)
Customer, upon receiving her Moolatte: “This has a round lid, can I have a flat lid?”
Me: “I’m sorry, the only lid that fits that cup is a dome lid.”
Customer: “But I want a flat lid, Starbucks always gets me a flat lid! Why can’t you?!”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the flat lids we have won’t fit that cup.”
Customer: “I want to speak with your manager.” *mutters* “Stupid kids…”
(I go and get my manager)
Manager: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”
Customer: “This stupid employee of yours won’t give me a flat lid!” *brandishes the drink in his face*
(My manager takes one of every single lid in the store and puts them in front of her)
Manager: “Go ahead then.”
Customer: *proceeds to try and put the lids on the cup, none of which fit* “This is ridiculous! Why don’t you have a flat lid?! Starbucks always has a flat lid!!”
Manager: “Then go buy your drinks there and leave my employees alone.”
Customer: “Are you Hispanic?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Middle Eastern?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “Egyptian?”
Me: “No.”
Customer: “What are you?”
Me: “Chinese.”
(customer puts on offended face)
Customer: “I don’t appreciate you treating me like I’m dumb.”
Me: “Excuse me? I’m being honest.”
Customer: “NO CHINESE PERSON WOULD EVER HAVE EYES AS BIG AS YOURS!!!”
Me: *mouth wide open*
Travel Store Customer: “Do you have any globes that have the United States bigger? I don’t need all this Africa, I just really want the US and Europe.”
Trainee: “Hey, this woman would like to buy an iPod Touch. But she’s asking for a discount.”
Me, to the lady customer: “Hi, so you’re interested in an iPod Touch?”
Customer: “Discount?”
Me: “Sorry, I can’t offer anything below our tagged price. It already has a guaranteed low price.”
Customer: “Discount?”
Me: “If you’re worried about money, you can choose to apply for a *** card (store’s credit card). With it you can buy this iPod Touch and have three months to pay interest-free.”
Customer: “Okay, so I get a card and get a discount?”
Me: “No, but you have three months to pay.”
Customer: “What’s the price in three months?”
Me: “It’s the same price as now.”
Customer: “Okay. What’s the price after the three months?”
Me: “It is the exact same price as you see here now. But with the card you get three months to pay for it.”
Customer: “Discount?”
Me: “Okay, let’s ring this up for you.”
Customer: “Hi, I’ve been here for 15 minutes and I’m trying to find the Ben Sherman shirts.”
Me: (Looks behind her and points) “Ma’am, it’s right behind you.”
Customer: (Turns around) “No, I’m looking for Ben Sherman shirts.”
Me: “Ma’am, the Ben Sherman items are right behind you; there are tons of shirts on the racks right there.”
Customer: “Oh! Do they have any shirts?”
Me: (Deep sigh) “What kind of shirts are you looking for?”
Customer: “I don’t know, any kind as long as they’re Ben Sherman.”
Me: “Button downs? Polos? T-shirts?”
Customer: “You know what, I’m just gonna find someone else to help me.”
Bookstore Customer: “Do people donate all these books to you?”
Me: “Yes. We show up for work every morning and there are boxes of valuable books sitting at the front door.”
Bookstore Customer: “Wow, really! I could open a book store?”
Me: “Sure!”
Bookstore Customer: “If I opened a store, how would people know where to leave the books?”
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