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    A Knight In Patrolling Armor

    | Costa Rica | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    Me: “So, your total is going to be of 30 thousand colones (60 USD). Here you go, and have a nice day.”

    Customer: “Oh, you’re so nice. Thank you, too. I was wondering if you could do something else for me?”

    Me: “Sure, what is it?”

    Customer: “I was told at my church that they needed more members, and I was asked to bring a few. Would you mind to come?”

    Me: “Well, I apologize, but I wouldn’t like to.”

    Customer: *gets defensive* “Why? Don’t tell me you think we’re all cultists that don’t care about God!”

    Me: “I’m sure you’re not, but I don’t want to go.”

    Customer: “Why the h*** not, then? I already told you we’re nice people, so why don’t you go?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, if I offended you I apologize, however I don’t want to go. It’s not because you’re nice people or not; it’s because I’m an atheist.”

    Customer: “So, you don’t believe in God, is that it? Well, f*** you! You’re going to Hell! What are you going to tell me next, that you’re a f***ing queer?”

    Me: “In fact, I am a homosexual, but—”

    Customer: “That’s all I needed to know! Being gay is a sin!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “F*** no! You’re kicking me out because I’m a Christian! That’s illegal, and it’s bulls***!”

    (At this point, a man behind her speaks up. Note that he is a police officer in full uniform.)

    Officer: “No, he’s kicking you because you already paid and you’re disturbing the peace. So, I’m going to give you my recommendation: Leave now, or I’ll arrest you.”

    Customer: *suddenly pales and leaves without saying a word*

    Me: “Thank you very much, Officer. Now, how may I help you?”

    Officer: “Actually I didn’t need anything. I was just patrolling when I heard the conflict. However, now that you mention it…” *he blushes a little* “…I need to ask, would you go out in a date with me?”

    Me: “…Of course!”

    (The officer and I have now dating for nearly half a year.)

    You Just Got Schooled, Part 2

    | PA, USA | School, Spouses & Partners, Top

    (I’ve just moved to a small town, where the job market is even worse than most places. I’ve taken a job waiting tables at a small diner. I’m waiting on an older man and his wife when the following exchange takes place.)

    Customer: “So, why didn’t you go to college?”

    Me: “Um, I did.”

    Customer: “Oh, didn’t make it?”

    Me: “No. I graduated five years ago.”

    Customer: “Well, I meant a real school… not like [local community college].”

    Me: “Actually, I went to [Ivy League school].”

    Customer’s Wife: “Oh, that’s a good school, dear!”

    Customer: “So, what are you doing here?”

    Customer’s Wife: “She’s trying to take your order. So stop being a jack*** and tell the nice girl what you’d like already!”

    Related:
    You Just Got Schooled

    The Cosplayer Is Always Right

    | Madrid, Spain | Awesome Customers, Food & Drink, Geeks Rule, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (Our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. So, it’s fairly common to have cosplayers among our customers at the time of the con. The owner is okay with it as long as they don’t annoy the other customers. On this day, we seat twelve cosplayers and, later, I seat three young customers near them.)

    Young Customer #1: “What is this? Why are those guys costumed?”

    Me: “Oh, there’s a large anime convention ongoing at the local school. It’s rather common to see them at the times of the gathering.”

    Young Customer #1: *chuckles* “Yeah, what a bunch of dorks.”

    Young Customer #2: “Total nerds.”

    (Since there are no other free tables and they didn’t pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on his phone.)

    Young Customer #2: *waves at me* “Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up!”

    Halo Cosplayer: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” *to ‘Pikachu’* “Dude, not so loud. You’re bothering people.”

    Pikachu Cosplayer: “What? Oh, sorry to bother you guys.” *starts talking again, but much quieter*

    Young Customer #3: “Yeah, that’s right. Shut up, you virgin nerd!”

    Young Customer #1: “Go back to the library, virgins!”

    (At this point, I warn the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. He immediately goes to their table.)

    Owner: “What seems to be the problem?”

    Young Customer #1: “It’s not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us! We’re not going to stay here and do nothing!”

    Owner: “My staff told me the contrary, actually.”

    Young Customer #3: “What?! That b***h waitress is lying!”

    Owner: “Sir, I won’t allow you to insult my staff or customers. Those cosplayers were extremely polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, it’s you.”

    (In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up and tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table and holds him still.)

    Young Customer #1: “OW! That f***ing hurts! Who the f*** do you think you are, you motherf***er?!”

    Batman Cosplayer: *in a raspy tone* “I am vengeance. I am the night. I am… Batman.”

    (The two other customers begin to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers get up and surround them, showing that most of them are clearly larger than them. The mall security arrests the bad customers, and the cosplayers leave after apologizing for the trouble. However, it’s not before we snap a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu and Master Chief saved the restaurant!)

    Related:
    The Costumer Is Always Right

    If You’re Naughty, We’ll Cart You Off

    | South Dakota, USA | Family & Kids, Top

    (A mother with two young children enter the store. Upset because she can’t ride in the car-shaped cart, the little girl sits on the floor and throws a fit.)

    Mother: “Come on, honey. We don’t have all day.”

    Daughter: *continues to pout*

    Mother: *exasperated* “Seriously, come on or I’ll leave you here!”

    Daughter: *continues to pout*

    Me: *to the daughter* “You know what we do with kids who aren’t with their parents? We put them to work… hard work! We will make you go get carts. It is no fun…” *a coworker getting carts comes inside, so I turn to him* “Just ask him!”

    Coworker: “My mom left me here five years ago!”

    Daughter: *darts up and runs to her mother*

    Mother: *to us* “Thank You!”

    Related:
    Ah, Parents

    Don’t Get Short With This Customer

    | New York, NY, USA | Awesome Customers, Love/Romance, Technology, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am a cashier at a small phone shop in a large mall. At one point, a very tall, very very large man with a scowl on his face steps into line. I can tell that the longer he waits, the shorter his temper gets, so by the time he gets up to the counter about ten minutes later, he’s practically livid.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Y’all sold me a broken device. How could you sell me broken s***?! Don’t you have any kind of quality control?”

    Me: “Um, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “It don’t work! The f*** you think is the problem?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir, but—”

    Customer: “I’ve already been waiting here for thirty minutes! Fix it already!”

    (Upon cursory examination of his device, it becomes apparent to me that it has suffered extensive water damage.)

    Me: “Has this device been in contact with water recently?”

    Customer: “No, of course not. I’m not stupid.”

    Me: “Well, sir, I’m afraid that given the nature of the damage to this device, we cannot repair it and it is no longer under warranty.”

    Customer: “Now hold up just a minute, you little b****. I will not have you blaming me for your problems. How dare you?!”

    (Suddenly, he SLAPS me across the face. Caught completely off guard, I take a step back and shut my eyes. But when I look back up, the man is nowhere to be seen. I notice that everyone is looking down at the floor, so I peer over the counter to see him attempting to crawl away, unable to stand up, and clutching a bleeding ear. The next customer in line is an unassuming, bespectacled man that stands no taller than 5’5″.)

    Next Customer: “Hey, are you okay?”

    Me: “Uh, yeah, I’m fine… what just happened?”

    Next Customer: “Oh, I wasn’t just gonna let him do that to you, so I slapped him back.” *his face breaks into a grin*

    Me: “Wait, you… what did you do?”

    (As it turned out, the guy with glasses was trained extensively in multiple forms or martial arts, and had leapt up and performed a cup-handed ear slap on the customer that had assaulted me. My manager has seen what has just happened and walks over.)

    Manager: *to the next customer* “Wow. That was the coolest thing I have ever seen. Thanks for that. You’re welcome to shop here anytime.”

    (Incidentally, I have been dating this short bada** for almost a year now!)

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