(The customer is purchasing a large bouquet of flowers.)

Me: “Wow! That’s a big arrangement. Is it a birthday, anniversary or apology?”

Customer: “I slept with my girlfriend’s sister last night.”

Me: “I’m going make you up something bigger with more roses. There’s a gourmet chocolate shop down the road.”

Customer: “Thanks.”

(I’m checking out an older woman at the register.)

Customer: “Can you bag these light for me?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(After several bags worth of items, she has no complaints. I then ring up a gallon of milk for her, and place it in its own bag.)

Customer: *angrily* “Did you not hear me earlier? I asked for these bags to be light. Do you want me to break my arm?”

Me: “Ma’am, there is only one item in that bag.”

Customer: “You’re trying to break my arm! Supervisor! I need a supervisor right now!”

Supervisor: “Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “He’s trying to kill me! I asked for light bags, and he made this one too heavy. He refuses to redo it!”

Supervisor: “Ma’am, there is only a gallon of milk in that bag. Would you like him to pour out half of the milk for you? That is the only way I see to make that bag lighter.”

Customer: “I’m calling your manager and getting both of you fired. You belong in h*** for trying to kill me!”

(I am working in the toy section of the retail store. I receive a call around 8pm.)

Me: “Hello you’re through to [retailer], toys. How can I help you?”

(A quiet little girl, not much older than 10, answers.)

Girl: “Hi um…can you help me find something for my mommy?”

Me: “Sure, honey. What are you looking for?”

Girl: “Um, I need an exercise thing. It’s like, a bar that you put on the ground and pull on.”

(I’m not sure what she means. I walk over and scan the exercise section really quick, but see nothing like that.)

Me: “Sorry, honey. We don’t really have anything like that. I can tell you some stores you might find it at.”

Girl: “Okay.”

Me: “If you can put your mom on the phone, I’ll give her the store names.”

Girl: “My mommy’s not home. It’s just me and my little brother. We accidentally broke my mommy’s thing, and we’re trying to find where to get one so she won’t be mad.”

(Our store music system is playing Coldplay’s ‘Viva la Vida’. A customer comes up to me, and start making small talk.)

Customer: “I love this song!”

Me: “Yeah, I like it too. Although, there is a Swedish singer who does a cover of this. I happen to like that one better.”

Customer: “You listen to Swedish music?”

Me: “Well, not really. I just heard that there was a cover of it. I looked it up and–”

Customer: “This is America, sweetie! You should only listen to American music!”

Me: “Sir, you do know that Coldplay, the band who sings this song, is from England?”

Customer: “No, they’re not! They play this song on the radio! American radio!”

Me: “I assure you, sir. They are from England.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t like this song anymore! Unlike you, I only listen to American music–like The Rolling Stones and The Beatles!”

Related:
Her Head’s Up In The Sky, With Diamonds

(One of the dogs we are grooming attacks one of the staff. The staff member is taken to surgery to have their bicep muscle reattached. No one is able to enter the salon because the vicious, very large dog is on the loose in the shop. We are standing outside the shop in the main store. We call the dog’s owner, and he arrives two hours later.)

Customer: “I can’t believe you called the police on my dog! He’s a good dog!”

Me: “Sir, when we had to call the ambulance, the police came with them. We didn’t call them specifically.”

Customer: “Yes, you did! You are all racists!”

Me: “Sir, please just get your dog out of my salon. Other customers want their pets, and your dog is holding my shop hostage.”

Customer: “My dog doesn’t bite. He’s a nice dog.”

Me: “Please, just get your dog out of my salon.”

(The customer goes into the salon, grabs the dog, puts the chain on it and comes out. Everyone backs away. The dog is snarling and lunging at other customers. The police are following him to fill out paperwork.)

Customer: “By the way, were you able to cut his nails?”