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    A Whale Of A Story

    | Pleasant Hill, CA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

    (My coworker and I have been laughing over a list of dumb laws during a quiet spell at the registers.)

    Me: “Check this out. It’s illegal to hunt whales in Utah.”

    Coworker: “Well, now, that’s not very specific. Is it illegal to hunt FOR them, as in go looking for one, or is it illegal to FIND one and harpoon it? Because, let me tell you, the second one is a lot harder!”

    Me: “Well, if I ever go to Utah, I think I’ll walk up to a cop and ask them where I can go hunting for whales, just to see his reaction.”

    (As we continue joking, a customer overhears us and becomes angry.)

    Customer: “You filthy murderers! How can you think hunting whales is funny?!”

    Me: “I assure you, ma’am, there is little danger of me actually harming a whale in Utah.”

    Customer: “That’s no excuse! You think you could get away with taunting a police officer by openly admitting you were going to commit a crime?”

    Coworker: “Yes… actually, in this case, we probably could.”

    Customer: “HOW?!”

    Coworker: “Well, since whales live in the ocean and there are no oceans in Utah—”

    Customer: “Don’t treat me like I’m stupid! I’m calling the producers of Whale Wars on you! You’ll be shamed in front of the whole nation!” *storms out*

    You Just Weeded Yourself Out

    | NC, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Top

    (I work at a very popular supplement store, and we sell products that are called “detoxes”. There are certain ones that people buy under the impression that they can cheat a urinalysis. If the customer mentions anything about drugs or a urine test, we must refuse the sale.)

    Customer: “Hey, I need one of those detoxes.”

    (I unlock the display and bring it to the counter.)

    Me: “Okay, anything else?”

    Customer: “Do these really work? I’m trying to find a job and I smoke a lot of weed.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot sell you this product because you told me that. It is against federal law. I will have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “Really? That sucks. Hey, are you guys hiring?”

    Inde-fence-ible Behavior

    | New Hampshire, USA | Bigotry, Geography, Top

    (I am a customer at an outlet shoe store in the White Mountains region of New Hampshire. We often get French Canadians who come to New Hampshire for vacations and buy things here to avoid the high taxes they pay in Canada. Most of them speak perfectly fine English but some of them, particularly some of the older people can have some trouble. I speak French fluently, so I’m helping an elderly couple who is having trouble translating the sales signs.)

    Me: *in French* “It says that if you buy one pair of shoes, you get the second pair half off.”

    Elderly Customer: *in French* “Thank you. My English in not good, and some things just don’t translate well—”

    Other Customer: “Don’t do that!”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Other Customer: “Don’t pander to them! If they want to live in this country, they should learn to speak English!”

    Me: “I think they are just visiting.”

    Other Customer: “Bulls***! Once they get into our country, they never leave! That’s why we need a fence.” *turns to the elderly couple* “Go back to Mexico!”

    Me: “They’re Canadian.”

    Other Customer: “Don’t lie to me. I heard you speaking Spanish!”

    Me: “That was French. Canada is a bilingual. Plenty of people in Canada speak French as their first language.”

    Other Customer: “We need a fence!”

    Me: “They are from Canada!”

    Other Customer: “We need TWO fences!”

    Sticking To One’s Guns

    | Texas, USA | Awesome Customers, Bigotry, Top

    (A squadmate and I from my unit are out at the range, practicing with a pair of higher-priced military style AR rifles. Both of us are wearing civilian clothes and military issue armor and ammo carriers, for practice. A guy in the next lane over has a similarly expensive gun, and the far lane is occupied by an obvious civilian with a much cheaper, wooden rifle.)

    Next Lane: “Look at that s***! Only f****ts use Mosins. It’s a gay rifle!”

    Me: “Oh, that’s not true…” *I look at my buddy* “Do you have a Mosin, darling?”

    My Buddy: *doesn’t miss a beat* “Of course not, baby.”

    (He stops reloading the mag he has and stands very close to me with one arm around my shoulders.)

    Next Lane: *packs up and leaves immediately*

    (I am not gay, but my squad mate is!)

    R-E-S-P-E-C-T

    | Canada | Bigotry, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I am the only female working in the parts department in our store. Note: at my previous job, I was involved in a violent fight against a male coworker who tried to assault me. They guy ended up at the hospital and no charges were pressed against me since I acted in self-defense. This story is well known by my current coworkers and my boss and I’m teased mercilessly about being a “man-beater.” This particular day, I’m training a new guy to work on the floor and I’m also acting as the shift supervisor since the department manager is off.)

    Customer: *to my coworker* “I need to find this.” *shows a trailer connector*

    Coworker: “It’s my first week here and I’m not sure if we carry this. However, let me ask my coworker here; she’ll tell me if we have some.”

    Customer: “Her? How can she know something about trailers? She’s a girl. Girls don’t know s*** about trailers!”

    Coworker: “Let me assure you, sir, she is the most knowledgeable employee we have here.”

    Customer: “Well, if she think she can do a man’s job, let’s ask her.”

    (I take a look at his connector.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but we do not carry this kind of connector. I could order some, but it will take over two weeks before they come in. May I suggest you go over [trailer store] or [another trailer store]? Both are down the road. They are more specialized than us, and they’ll probably have one in stock.”

    Customer: *to my coworker* “I told you she’ll be useless.”

    Coworker: “Sir, I don’t know what she can tell you more. We don’t keep that kind of stuff in stock, and she suggested two other other store where they sell those kind of products. I think you’ve gotten all the help you need.”

    Customer: *suddenly starts screaming* “Why do you refuse to serve me?! I AM A MAN! I AM A CUSTOMER! I deserve RESPECT and OBEDIENCE! Now you will tell me where the f*** you keep those f***ing connectors!”

    Me: “Sir, I already told you; we do not carry them. Those other stores will happily sell one to you, but I can’t because I don’t have any on hand.”

    Customer: “You useless b****! Find me a manager with something between his legs so we can discuss man things between men!”

    Me: “I am the shift supervisor today, so you’ll have to deal with me. I’ll need you to remain polite or you’ll have to leave.”

    Customer: “Well, I will just stay behind you and get on your nerves! You’ll crack and resign from your job and find yourself a man that will teach you what is it to be a good woman! You’ll find a guy who will beat you into a submissive b****, like any good woman should be!”

    (I send my coworker, who is on the verge of tears, to call the store manager so we can remove the customer from the store.)

    Me: “Okay, sir, the store manager is on his way. I need to ask you to leave the property.”

    (At this point my coworker returns, saying the store manager has called the police and is coming as fast as he can. Meanwhile, the customer starts acting very aggressively toward me; he tries to push me and effectively prevents me from going anywhere. He then turns his attention on my coworker, who doesn’t want to leave me alone with this freak. I’m really fearing for our safety, so I drop down and catch the longest, heaviest draw bar I can find. I smile at my coworker and put on the best “death stare” I can do towards the customer.)

    Customer: *suddenly scared* “…What are you doing? Stop that! You’re scaring me, b****!”

    Me: *grinning but saying nothing*

    Customer: “What are you doing with the bar? Put it down! I am a man… I am the customer… I demand obedience and respect!” *to my coworker* “What the f*** is she doing?! Tell her to stop looking at me like that. She gives me the creeps!”

    Coworker: “I don’t know sir, but around here, she’s known as a ‘man-beater.’ That’s because she sent a man to the hospital… a man that was trying to assault her at her previous job.”

    Customer: “How could they let a crazy woman like this work in a store and deal with customers?!”

    Coworker: “Well, she’s pretty handy for customers like you.”

    Customer: *very frightened* “Um, I’ll just go now, okay? I’ll go to those other stores and see if they have any in stock.”

    (As the customer turns around and starts walking out, he walks directly into the store manager, who is a very tall and broad-shouldered guy.)

    Customer: *to store manager* “Your employees are crazy! Women shouldn’t beat men! It’s the other way around! You should break her and make her obedient and submissive, like any good woman!”

    Store Manager: “Get out of my store now, or I’ll lock you in my office with her!”

    (The customer starts heading towards the exit, but runs straight into two police officers who have just arrived.)

    Customer: *to the police officers* “You gotta protect me! She’s crazy! She’s a man-beater!”

    Police Officer #1: *sarcastically* “Get into our car. You’ll be safe there.”

    (The customer was arrested then and there, which was a good thing: it turned out he was wanted for multiple cases of domestic violence. After his arrest, several ex-girlfriends came out and testified against him, putting him away for good.)

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