(I have albinism, so I have very pale skin, white hair, and red irises.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Are…are you a vampire?”

Me: “Well, my dad is half-vampire.” *laughing*

Customer: “Please, don’t bite me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to bite you.”

Customer: “Don’t put any blood in my food either. I don’t want to be a vampire.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not going to put blood in your food. I’m not a vampire. We serve regular food here.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your manager.”

(I go and get my manager, and fill him in on what’s going on.)

Customer, to my manager: “Is your vampire waitress going to bite me?”

Manager: “Only if you don’t tip her well.”

(The woman looks completely horrified, but finally ends up ordering and leaving me a 21% tip.)

Related:
Less Twilight, More Daylight

Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”

Caller: “Is e-mail internet”?

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Caller: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet. Can I still read my e-mail?”

Me: “Well, yes. You must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

Caller: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up your browser for me, and tell me what you see?”

Caller: “Open what?”

Me: “Your browser…can you open up your browser?”

Caller: “My…my…what?”

Me: “It’s what you click on when you want to browse the internet.”

Caller: “I don’t use anything. I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”

Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”

Caller: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?”

Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?”

Caller: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”

Me: “No, ma’am. Your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”

Caller: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”

Caller: “My what?”

Me: “The little box with green or, possibly, a couple of red lights on it right now. It’s most likely near your computer?”

Caller: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights. Just get my e-mail for me.”

Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”

Caller: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”

Me: “An error message?”

Caller: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”

Me: “Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Move it for me.”

Caller: “Move it?”

Me: “Yes. Move it.”

Caller: “My e-mail!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [electronics store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I came into the store a few hours ago and bought a computer, but I think something is wrong with it.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Caller: “Well, it seems to turn on. The little light goes on and everything, but nothing comes up except ‘no signal’.”

Me: “Is this a desktop computer, or a notebook?”

Caller: “It’s one of the big screen ones. Not a laptop.”

Me: “Alright, it’s a desktop. Are you positive you followed all the directions in the manual and connected everything properly?”

Caller: “Huh? Why would I need to use the manual? It was pretty simple.”

Me: “Well, just to be sure, could you please check the manual and make sure everything is plugged in properly?”

Caller: “Well, there is one cord sitting there but I figured that it was the internet cable. We don’t have internet yet.”

Me: “Is the cord coming out of the monitor or the tower?”

Caller: “It’s not plugged into anything. The only thing I have plugged in is the computer into the wall.”

Me: “What about the monitor?”

Caller: “The what?”

Me: “The monitor, as in, the screen.”

Caller: “Right, the computer. Like I said, it’s plugged into the wall.”

Me: “Sir, let me get this straight. You have the screen plugged into the wall and nothing else?

Caller: “Right.”

Me: “And you didn’t buy anything else, right?”

Caller: “Right.”

Me: “Sir, you just bought the monitor. That isn’t the computer. That’s just the screen.”

Caller: “What are you talking about? Of course this is the computer! I’ve seen a whole bunch of computers before and they look just like this!”

Me: “Did all those computer have a big piece of machinery sitting near them?”

Caller: “Yeah, I guess. Why?

Me: “That would be the computer.”

Caller: “You’re joking, right?”

Me: “Nope. Sorry, sir.”

Caller: “Well d***. How much more does the rest cost?”

Me: “It depends how powerful you want it to be. You could get a low-end computer for about $300 to $400.”

Caller: “But, I already spent $150 on this thing!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. But if you want a computer you’ll, uh, need to buy the computer.”

Caller: “To h*** with all this! I’m not spending that kind of money! I’m never buying a computer again!”

Me: “Well, sir. You didn’t buy one in the first place.”

Caller: *click*

(I’m ringing up a customer. He hands me a credit card.)

Me: “I need to see your ID, please.”

Customer #1: “Sure.”

(As he is getting his ID out, the next customer in line, a white soccer mom, speaks up.)

Customer #2: “I don’t believe this s***! I’m going to report you, you racist b****!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer #2: “You heard me. You didn’t ask for the ID of the white lady before him, but a black man has a card and you check his. That’s racist s***! What, you think because he’s black he stole that or something?”

Customer #2, to customer #1: “Why are you so calm? This isn’t the 50′s! You don’t have to put up with this s***. Tell her off!”

Customer #1: “Actually, she asked me because I have ‘See ID’ written on my card.”

Customer #2: “Oh…well. Um…okay.”

(At our cafe, a massive puddle has formed after a customer spills a beverage. I quickly get to the process of
cleaning it up. A customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Why are you doing this when there is a line out the door?!”

Me: “Sir, I have to clean this puddle up for safety reasons. The last thing anyone would like to see is someone slipping on this puddle.”

(Aside from the fact that there are only few people waiting on the line, there are two other baristas helping the customers.)

Customer: “Well, there is a line here, and I can’t believe you are doing this crap! I need to catch the train in a few minutes!”

(I decide that escalating the issue is not worth the effort. I place a wet floor sign on the puddle, and proceed to bring down the line. After the unruly customer gets his beverage, he turns around and steps into the puddle. Lo and behold, he comes crashing down to the floor. He gets up and storms up to me with a furious expression.)

Customer: *fuming* “What the h*** is this?! Why would you leave a dangerous puddle of water on the floor like that? That puddle could have killed me! I’m going to sue for this!”

Me: “Sir, if you can remember, I was in the process of cleaning that before you demanded that the line be brought down quicker. Also, there was a wet floor sign out there clearly stating the hazard.”

Customer: “I want to speak to the manager of this place! It’s manned by incompetent idiots!”

Me: *with a pleasant smile* “Hi! My name is [name] and I am the manager on duty. How can I help you?”

(The customer’s jaw drops. After staring at me for a couple of seconds, he attempts to mutter something but turns around and scurries out of the store.)