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    You’re Welcome, Custer Mer

    | Jacksonville, FL, USA | Language & Words, Top

    (An older gentleman calls our doctor’s office with questions about an upcoming test he is scheduled for. We talk at length about what is going to be done and why it was going to be done.)

    Patient: “I’m sorry to have so many questions.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s no problem. You can always call and ask for clarification when you need it.”

    (I answer several more questions.)

    Me: “Okay, Mr. [name]. I hope I have been able to help.”

    Patient: “Thank you very much, Clara Fication! You’ve been very helpful.”

    Abandon All Mope Ye Who Enter Here

    | Victoria, Australia | Awesome Customers, Love/Romance, Top

    (I’m a 21-year-old girl at work and feeling a bit sad, having broken up with my long-term boyfriend earlier in the week. One of our regular customers, who is 24, is standing around talking to me and my female coworker. Another regular customer, a lovely elderly German man who we call ‘Dante’ because of his favourite game, comes in shortly afterwards.)

    Me: *to Dante* “Hello! How’s Dante’s Inferno going?”

    Dante: “Oh, it’s just great! I love it. But I’ve been playing some other games lately…”

    (He goes on to tell us what he’s been up to. The young customer joins the conversation, too. Once Dante has finished telling us what games he’s playing, he turns to the young customer.)

    Dante: “So, why do you hang around here, young man? I hope you’re not troubling these lovely girls.”

    Young Customer: “Nah, I just hang around and talk, really.”

    Dante: “Ahh, I see. You like one of these girls, huh? I know you do!”

    Young Customer: *laughs and turns red* “How do you know that?”

    Dante: “Well, if you come in every day just to chat, you must not have a girlfriend.” *turns to me* “Darling, are you single?”

    Me: “Umm, yeah. I am.”

    Dante: “You two should get together! You’re nice and he’s nice…” *turns back to the young customer* “…and you’d get free games!”

    Young Customer: “Oh, I dunno. She probably wouldn’t give me free games.”

    Dante: “Yes, she would! You’d be her boyfriend. She’d have to!” *turns to me and steps closer, talking softly in my ear* “Just think about it, yes? He’s a good boy. He’d be lucky to have a girl like you!”

    Me: *grinning ear-to-ear* “Thanks, I’ll think about it!”

    (Two months later, I realised how much of a ‘good boy’ the young customer really was, and it turned out that he’d had a crush on me for a while. We’ve been seeing each other for 8 months now, and a few weeks ago I ran into Dante at a local coffee shop. When I told him he’d been right about us, he was over the moon!)

    Business Cat Like A Boss

    | USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (Note: We are a very small vet clinic and have no office manager. We do have a clinic cat which stays at the counter during the day and he has been jokingly called our office manager.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Caller: “Good afternoon! I’d like to make an appointment today for my dog’s vaccines.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re completely booked for today. We’re looking at some time late this week or early next week.”

    (Suddenly, the heretofore nice caller goes completely ballistic. He starts screaming at the top of his lungs.)

    Caller: “LISTEN, I WANT AN APPOINTMENT NOW! How dare you talk to me in that tone! You make me an appointment for today, right now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’re booked for today.”

    Caller: “You are such a liar! I have never been treated like this before! You are the most rude person I have EVER talked to! I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED. I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR OFFICE MANAGER, RIGHT NOW!”

    Me: “We don’t have an office manager here, sir. I can have you speak to the owner, though.”

    Caller: “Don’t you lie to me! I’LL HAVE YOUR A** FIRED. PUT ME ON RIGHT NOW!”

    (This goes on for a few minutes. I try to calm him down and have him speak to the owner, but he keeps screaming. I look up to see our clinic cat watching me and I get an idea.)

    Me: “Sir, you’re right. We do have an office manager, but he wasn’t in yet so I had to tell you we didn’t have one.”

    (He keeps ranting, and I put the phone near our cat. Note that he’s yelling loud enough for me to hear. The man continues to scream over the phone for a couple minutes before he pauses.)

    Caller: “You’re going to tell that to your employee, right?!”

    Clinic Cat: “Meow?”

    Caller: *hangs up*

    A-moooo-sing Customers, Part 2

    | France | Bigotry, Family & Kids, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (We’re located in a small village in a rural area, but each year, we have plenty of foreign tourists. I’m the only person fluent in english at the office. One day, a family of tourists (a father, a mother and their teenage son and daughter) walk in.)

    Father: *in French* “Hello, sir. Can you help me to find how to go to a few places? I can’t find them on my map.”

    Me: *in French* “Sure, let me show you. May I see your map?”

    (As I show the father directions on his map, I see the kids giggling and chatting in English in the back. They’re making fun of my coworker.)

    Daughter: *in English* “God, this guy looks so stupid!”

    Son: *in English* “Totally! Look at his eyes! It totally looks like a cow’s eyes!”

    Daughter: *in English* “And look at his hair! Soooo dorky!”

    (The father says nothing, despite clearly hearing them.)

    Father: *in French* “Alright, I think I got it. Thank you for your time.”

    Me: “Mooooooooooooooo!”

    Father: *in French* “What are you doing?!”

    Me: *grinning, in English* “That’s the cow word for ‘Have a nice day.'”

    (The parents and their two children stay stunned for a second. Then, both parents start to laugh and the kids turn cherry red.)

    Mother: *laughing, in English* “Weren’t expecting that now, you two?”

    (Embarrassed, the kids try to leave, but the parents grab them both by their shoulders.)

    Son: *in English* “Let me go, Dad!”

    Father: *still laughing, in English* “We’re not leaving until both of you apologize to this man!”

    (The parents refused to move or let them go until I received an apology from both kids. The whole family left, the parents still joking and the kids almost running away.)

    Related:
    A-moooo-sing Customers

    Self-Serving Stupidity Will Not Be Served

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Customers, Top

    (I am a customer, standing third in line behind a very well-dressed woman in her 50s—we’ll call her Customer #1. The cashier, in her 70s, has just finished ringing out a young 20-something woman with pink hair. It is about 1 am and I am dead tired, literally swaying on my feet. There are three other customers behind me, which we’ll call Customers #2-#4.)

    Cashier: *to Customer #1* “Oh dear, just a moment!”

    (With that, the cashier runs off after the pink-haired customer, who has left behind a gift card she just purchased. Angrily, Customer #1 slams a 24-pack of canned drinks on the counter and turns to me.)

    Customer #1: “I bet she is going to try to make me put this back in my cart, but I won’t. It’s a little game I like to play called, ‘Who’s Getting Paid for This?’”

    (Note: Customer #1 has left a 40-pound bag of cat litter and 20-pound bag of cat food in her cart, both heavier than the drinks.)

    Me: *shrugs*

    (The cashier returns, panting and out of breath.)

    Cashier: “Sorry about that. She left her gift c—”

    Customer #1: “I don’t care. Just ring my purchases up!”

    Cashier: “Oh, um… right, sorry.”

    (The cashier rings the small items through, double-bagging the cans and folding the clothing with care, before using the hand scanner to ring up the drinks, the litter, and the cat food.)

    Cashier: “Your total is [price], ma’am.”

    Customer #1: “Well, it’s about time. Load my d*** cart so I can get the h*** out this s***hole!”

    (The cashier sets the bags in the cart around the litter and cat food, and then looks at the 24-pack of drinks.)

    Cashier: “You’ll have to set the pop in the cart, ma’am. I’m sorry, but I can’t lift it.”

    Customer #1: “You can’t lift it? What kind of bulls*** is that? Why the h*** not?”

    Cashier: “I can’t lift over 10 pounds; doctor’s orders.”

    Customer #1: “That is none of my business. Why are you telling me this? Just do your d*** job!”

    Customer #2: *to Customer #1* “You asked her why; that is why she’s telling you. Ugh!”

    Customer #1: *glares at Customer #2* “Well, this is not acceptable. Get your manager over here now. Maybe he can load my cart since you are too lazy.”

    (At this point, I’ve had enough and grab Customer #1’s 24-pack of drinks and set it in her cart.)

    Customer #1: “What the f*** are you doing?!”

    Me: “Lady, it is 1 am. I am tired and want to go home. I will load the d*** groceries in your car if it gets you out of the way faster!”

    Customer #1: “You have no right to touch my groceries!”

    Customer #2: “And you have no right to be such a b****. You didn’t have to lift it, she did…” *points at me* “…even though you obviously were able to put it in the cart and on the counter by yourself. You got your change, so get out of the way!”

    Customers #3 & #4: *echoes of agreement*

    Customer #1: “Well, I never—“

    Me: “It is obvious you have ‘never.’ You have NEVER had to work a low paying job with a**hole customers who get enjoyment out of making your life harder. We get it. Now go away!”

    (I set my two items on the counter as Customer #1 stomps away to customer service.)

    Cashier: *crying silently* “Thank you so much.”

    (Customer #2 and I stand away from the register for a few minutes talking after that. Customer #1 has caused enough trouble at this point to be escorted out of the store by the store manager and security. Afterwards, the store manager hugs his cashier and sends her to break so she can calm down. As it turns out, the cashier is his ailing aunt who has been working while getting chemotherapy. She really isn’t supposed to be working at all, but is unable to afford treatment otherwise.)

    Store Manager: “There is only so much stupid I can tolerate!”

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