October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

Category: Top

Always Right, Even When Completely Car-razy

| Pennsylvania, USA | Bizarre, Criminal/Illegal, Holidays, Top, Wild & Unruly

(It’s Christmas time, and the parking lot has completely filled at the mall where I work. A shuttle is actually taking customers from a stadium across the highway where they are letting us overflow traffic. We’re busy at work when we hear a loud crash outside. An SUV has jumped the curb, onto the sidewalk and slammed into a willow reindeer in front of our window. We all rush out, to see if anyone was hurt, in time to see a woman getting out of the driver’s seat.)

Manager: “Are you alright?!”

Woman: “The only thing not alright here is your godd*** parking lot. There’s no f***ing parking anywhere!”

(Cursing up a storm, she yanks two kids out of the backseat and starts walking away.)

Manager: “Hey, you can’t leave your car here!”

Woman: “The h*** I can’t! There’s no other godd*** place to park!”

(Right after she leaves, security arrives. Our store’s door is partially blocked for an hour while they tow the car, and we fill out paperwork with her description and the police are called to assess the damages. Just before close, the woman and her kids, all laden with shopping bags, come storming into our store. She notices her car is missing and begins screaming and yelling. I run to telephone security.)

Manager: “Mall security towed your car because—”

Woman: “The h*** they did! You took the car!”

Manager:I took it?”

Woman: “You and your little girlies over there must have pushed it somewhere! Where is it?!”

(She barges past the manager, through the store, and into the backroom. A moment later, we hear screams and something smash. I get off the phone with security and rush back to find she has smashed our employee coffee pot and is knocking over boxes. Seeing me, she shoves back onto the selling floor, and starts knocking over fixtures and mannequins. The manager has rushed all other customers to the fitting rooms for their safety. Grabbing her kids, the woman heads for the door and is literally tackled by mall security. She not only ends up arrested for property damage and assault charges, but they find shoplifted items in her bags. The clincher? She wrote in to corporate later, complaining about our customer service and demanding a free gift card!)

All Signs Point To Duh, Part 4

| Pennsylvania, USA | Top

(I have a patron who has asked for our astrology books, but she has written “astronomy” in her notes. I ask her to clarify.)

Me: “Okay, so are you looking for astronomy or astrology?”

Patron: “Um…”

Me: “Science or mysticism?”

Patron: “Um…”

Me: “Are you citing NASA, or Madam Cleo?”

Patron: *blank stare*

Me: “Sorry; bad joke. Is Jupiter a god, or is it just another planet?”

Patron: “What?”

Me: “I’m just trying to figure out what you’re looking for here. Let’s try this: are you looking for star signs, or just stars?”

Patron: “I don’t understand what you’re asking me all this for. I just want astrolognomy!”

Me: “Let’s try one more time. Would the phrase, ‘What’s your sign’ be in any way relevant to what you’re looking for today?”

Patron: “Are you making fun of me?!”

Me: “I’m trying not to, really!”

All Signs Point To Duh, Part 3
All Signs Point To Duh, Part 2
All Signs Point To Duh

Where There’s Smoke, There’s Backfire

| Kittery, ME, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

(I am working the register. A mother and her teenage daughter are quietly arguing nearby. When they’re done, the teenager comes up to my register while the mother lingers a few feet away.)

Teenage Customer: “I need a pack of [cigarettes]!”

Me: “Certainly! May I see your ID, please?”

Teenage Customer: “I’m with her.” *points to her mother*

Me: “Okay, but the person who actually purchases the cigarettes has to be at least 18, no matter who they are with.”

Teenage Customer: “Oh for f***’s sake!”

(The teenager goes over to her mother and they quietly argue some more. The mother reluctantly comes up to my register.)

Customer’s Mother: “I need a pack of [cigarettes], please.”

Me: “Are you purchasing them for yourself?”

Customer’s Mother: “No, I don’t smoke. They’re for my daughter. She’s not old enough to buy them for herself.”

Teenage Customer: “Shut up, Mom!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell the cigarettes to either of you.”

Teenage Customer: “Why the f*** not?”

Me: “Well, you’re not old enough to buy them and your mother just admitted that she’s buying them for someone who is underage.”

Teenage Customer: “They’re for her. Right, Mom?!” *pinches her mom’s arm*

Customer’s Mother: *meekly* “Yes, they’re for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m still going to have to refuse the sale. Allowing someone to buy cigarettes for a minor is a bad as selling cigarettes to a minor. I could get into a lot of trouble.”

Teenage Customer: “Oh, f*** you! We’ll just get them someplace else!” *to her mom* “This is your fault!”

(Suddenly, a uniformed police officer appears out of nowhere. Apparently, he has witnessed the whole exchange from nearby.)

Police Officer: “Could I have a word with you, ladies?”

(I don’t know what happened to the mother and daughter, but I never saw them in the store again. The police officer reported the whole incident to my manager and I got a promotion!)

Voracity Is The Mother Of Intervention

| Ontario, Canada | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

(This occurs when I’m bringing desserts and coffee to a table with two customers—one middle-aged woman and one elderly woman.)

Me: “Here you go. Is there anything else I can get for you ladies?”

Middle-aged Customer: “An extra fork, please.”

Me: “I’ll get you one right away.”

(After I return with her fork…)

Elderly Customer: “Excuse me, but my coffee is far too strong.”

Middle-aged Customer: “…and old. I tried some, and it’s clearly been sitting for a long time.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about the strength, although I actually made that coffee after you ordered it. I can make you another less strong one if you’d like.”

Elderly Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I leave, make her a new coffee at half-strength and come back to return it, at which point they’ve eaten all of their dessert.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Excuse me, but the mango cheesecake was far too sweet.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. The cheesecake is something they make in the kitchen, but I’ll certainly let them know for you.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Could I maybe get a discount on it, or have it for free because of that?”

Me: “Um… I can ask the chef for you, but I don’t think he’ll say yes, since you finished the whole thing.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Well, I didn’t mention this earlier, but my dinner was also too salty.”

Me: “Again, I can let them know, and ask about a discount, but you ate the whole thing, so I doubt I’ll be allowed to reduce the price for you.”

Middle-aged Customer: “The scallops in it were mushy, too!”

Me: “Well, they were breaded scallops and the dish you ordered was very saucy. It’s unfortunately unavoidable that they’d get somewhat soft from the sauce. Again, I can talk to the kitchen for you, but I doubt there’ll be any result.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Hmm…” *to the elderly customer* “Did we order any appetizers?”

Elderly Customer: “The appetizer was delicious, you said so yourself. Now stop trying to get freebies and let the poor girl go do her job. There’s other people at other tables that you’re keeping her from helping by holding her here with all your complaints.”

Middle-aged Customer: “Fine! That’s everything. Just bring us the bill.”

(As I leave to go to the kitchen and deliver her complaints, I hear the elderly customer berating the middle-aged one.)

Elderly Customer: “Shame on you, a grown woman! I didn’t raise you to be a greedyguts!”

Necessity Is The Mother Of Intervention

Cool, Cream, And Corrected

| Maine, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

(At the coffee shop where I work, my coworker, Coworker #1, is from South America. He has a very thick accent, but his English comprehension and speech is otherwise perfect. A customer comes through drive-thru and orders two extra large coffees with a whopping eight servings of cold cream. A few moments later, he comes back to complain.)

Customer: “I have a problem!”

Coworker #1: “What’s the issue, sir?”

Customer: “My coffee is stone cold!”

Coworker #1: “Okay, I’ll remake that for you. It was eight creams, right?”

Customer: “Yes, and I’d like them to be actually warm this time.”

Coworker #1: *remakes both coffees* “Here you are. Have a good day!”

(The man leaves, but comes back a few minutes later. He’s still fuming. Another coworker of mine helps him.)

Customer: “This is unacceptable!”

Coworker #2: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “You can remake my coffee again, and this time I’d like it to not be so godd*** cold!”

Coworker #2: “Okay…” *turns to my South American coworker* “Could you remake this again? I need to finish cleaning the flavor shot station.”

Coworker #1: “Of course!”

Customer: “NO! No, he’s not touching them!”

(At this point, the manager hears the noise and comes out.)

Manager: “Okay, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “I’m so sick of your employees!”

Manager: “What’s the problem?”

Customer: “That f***ing foreigner of yours keeps f***ing up my coffees! You either need to make him learn f***ing English or send him back to wherever the f*** he came from! I want hot coffee, NOT hot coffee that’s STONE COLD!”

Manager: “Okay, firstly don’t swear at me. Secondly, he speaks and understands English perfectly so don’t say he can’t understand you. I will remake your coffees this time if it humors you. What was in them?”

Customer: “Eight creams!”

Manager: *pauses for a moment* “Seriously?”

Customer: “YES!”

Manager: “You do realize that adding EIGHT cold creams to a coffee will cool them off, right?”

Customer: “What?”

Manager: “If you add that much cream—which is chilled—to a coffee, it will cool it off. It’s not my employees’ fault. Now, have a nice day and please leave my store!”

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