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    Has Beef With You

    | VA, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Top

    (I own and operate a small ranch in Virginia. We sell all natural grass fed beef, all natural pork, and free range chickens. We also sell cheeses, eggs, and also have a few goats for milk and cheese, etc. A customer calls up wanting information about our operation.)

    Me: “Hello, [Company Name]. This is [My Name], What can I do for you today?”

    Caller: “Yes, are your cows vegetarian?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, they are. We only feed them grass and hay. Hay is a type of grass so, yes, they eat no meat products at all. We use no antibiotics or hormones—”

    Caller: “NO, NO, NO! Are your cows vegetarian!?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I do not understand what you are asking me.”

    Caller: “You farm people are all dumb! My daughter and her friends do not eat meat! They are vegan and we want to have steak for dinner! So now I’m going to ask you: are you cows vegetarian?”

    Me: “Are you asking me if my steaks are not made from meat?”

    Caller: “No, I know steak is made from meat! I want to know if your cows are vegetarian?!”

    Me: “Ma’am, all cows are meat. Everything we take off them during butchering is meat. I am not sure, are you asking me for meat that isn’t meat?”

    Caller: “Well, your advertising on your website says you are all natural. That is false advertising!”

    Me: “I am not sure how. We keep our cows free from additives and—”

    Caller: “Look, I’m not stupid. Before you turn cows into beef, what are they?”

    Me: “Cows.”

    Caller: “Exactly. So why can’t I get all natural cow instead of beef?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I can’t sell you a live cow. I think you need to find another place to get your meat.”

    Caller: “I will not be talked to like this! I want to talk to your manager!”

    Me: “You are talking to the owner. I am sorry you think that an animal is not meat until after it dies, but I will not sell you a live cow to eat! I am also sorry you are too stupid to understand that this is a cattle ranch and we sell our own beef. Beef is meat, meat is not vegan. Please call another company that specializes in vegan food!”

    (I hang up on her. Two weeks go by and she calls me back.)

    Caller: “I talked to you a couple weeks ago and I just want to let you know that we bought steak from the farmer’s market at (location). We had a wonderful dinner!”

    Me: “Oh, you were at the farmer’s market at [location]?”

    Caller: “Yes, and the woman there sold us vegetarian cow! You know, cow for vegans! My daughter said she and her friends always eat steak from the woman that sells cow there.”

    Me: “So your daughter is vegan, huh?”

    Caller: “Well, yeah. She won’t eat chicken!”

    (I gave up and I told her I would look into selling vegetarian ‘COW.’ I did not have the heart to tell her that she bought my meat. I am the only one allowed to sell at that particular market and my neighbor’s daughter works for me selling at that location. I also didn’t bother to go into her daughter not being vegan!)

    Related:
    He Has Beef With You

    The Manager Has To Wake Up And Smell The Coffee

    | West Yorkshire, England, UK | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top

    (We are having a meeting about how many errors we are making on our tills. When we explain why these are happening, our boss seems to think we are all idiots and decides to spend a few hours watching what we do, starting off by showing us how to use the till properly.)

    Customer #1: “Can I have a medium latte please?”

    (My manager makes the drink and processes it on the till without a problem. I’m the first to go on the till afterwards.)

    Customer #2: “Yeah, can I get a medium skinny latte.”

    (I make the drink, process it on the till, and tell the customer the price which is also written on the menu board behind me.)

    Customer #2: “Sorry, I don’t have enough. Can you make me a plain latte?”

    (I make the second drink for the customer and process this on the till, but it goes down as an error which causes my manager to glare at me. I tell the customer the new price.)

    Customer #2: “Yeah, I don’t have enough for that either. Can I have a tea?”

    (I make a third drink and re-process this on the till making another error. The customer finally pays and leaves.)

    Manager: “Yeah. I’ll just tell head office this town is full of idiots…”

    Setting Daddy’s Little Girl Straight

    | New Haven, CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Money, Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m gay and working in a clothing store for teens/young adults. A roughly 15-year-old girl comes into the store. Her dad is sitting on a bench right outside the store in clear view of the check-out counter.)

    Girl: “Hey there. Do you offer discounts for pretty girls?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not. Unless you have a coupon, your total will be [total].”

    Girl: “Maybe you can give me a discount for a different kind of coupon?” *slowly pops open the top buttons of her shirt*

    Me: “Oh, honey, you’re gonna need a few more years and a surgery before that’s going to work on me.”

    Girl: *scowling* “Are you calling me flat-chested?”

    Me: “Different kind of surgery, honey.” *pointing out my rainbow bracelet*

    Girl: “Oh, ew!”

    (The girl’s dad has managed to storm right up next to his daughter without her noticing. He’s clearly fuming.)

    Girl’s Dad: “You better have a good reason for flashing this kid your cleavage, [Girl’s Full Name].”

    (He made her put all her clothes back and leave the store in tears.)

    Will Try To Tag Themselves In Jail

    | TX, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month, Top, Transportation

    (I stop a young, 20-something woman for using her cell while driving in an active school zone.)

    Me: “I stopped you, ma’am, for using your phone while driving in a school zone, which is against the law.”

    Driver: “I am not calling anyone or texting, so I am not using my phone. I was updating my Facebook status!”

    (After citing her, we both pull away from the curb. I then witness her using her cell AGAIN, so I stop her once more.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I have already explained and cited you for the very same reason I am pulling you over the second time. I do not want to have to arrest you, so please do not use your phone while driving again.”

    Driver: “One more time, officer, I am NOT calling or texting! I am uploading a picture of my citation to Pinterest!”

    Great Minds Think Alike

    | GA, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Food & Drink, Top

    (I am working in a fast food sub shop when a nice regular walks in. Behind in line are a small child and his mother.)

    Me: “A cheesesteak sandwich with no onions and a medium drink, [Regular]?”

    Regular: “As always.” *pays and leaves*

    Small Child: “You knew exactly what that guy wanted! Do you READ MINDS?! Tell me what I want to eat!”

    (The mother mouths to me behind her son’s back.)

    Me: “You want a… peanut butter and jelly sandwich!”

    Small Child: “Well… what kind of jelly do I want?”

    (The mother mouths to me again.)

    Me: “Hmm… grape!”

    Small Child: “Wow, you do read minds! Mommy, she reads minds!”


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