(I worked at this little burger joint in Seattle. I’m white, but I’m bilingual. Our grill workers all spoke primarily Spanish, so I would talk to customers in English and call back orders in Spanish.)

Old Man Customer: “Now, what is a pretty young thing like you doing speaking the Dirty Man’s Language?”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Old Man Customer: “You should be speaking English! Its only natural, here in America!”

Me: “It’s just fastest, sir. The language communicates more efficiently in an environment like this.”

(I was not about to tell him that the grill workers were mostly South American immigrants, after hearing his first reaction.)

Old Man Customer: “Have some pride in your country! SPEAK ENGLISH when you call back my order, do you understand?”

Me, knowing full well that his order wouldn’t actually come through if I did that: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid it’s procedure.”

Old Man Customer: “I want to speak with your manager! This restaurant is just UNAMERICAN!”

Manager, who had been working the register next to me: “Si, señor?”

Old Man Customer: *storms out*

Related:
Welcome To People’s Pizza, Comrade

(A man comes in with about 4 children running about behind him. He comes up to the counter.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah…I’m looking for some *whispers*…porn.”

Me: “You mean adult movies?”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Sorry, we don’t stock those here.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “There are some stores in the town centre. Perhaps you can try there?”

Customer: “I want some porn now! What kind of store is this?”

Me: “I apologise, but we don’t stock adult movies.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous, I only want to watch some porn with my wife.”

Me: “Sorry, this is a family store.”

Customer: “MAYBE IT’S FOR THE KIDS TOO! ”

(Customer storms out with all 4 children jumping around behind him as I stand there dumbfounded.)

(Keep in mind that I’m male with a deep voice. We do not send techs to troubleshoot; troubleshooting has to be done on the phone, then we send a tech to replace parts.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ***. How may I–”

Customer: “Send me a tech to fix my computer.”

Me: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “It’s not working!”

Me: “Well, ok, but in order to get it working again, I would need to know what exactly is wrong.”

Customer: “I just told you it’s not working. Send me a tech to fix it!”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. I can help you perform some troubleshooting and–”

Customer: “Why the f**k can’t you just send me a tech?”

Me: “Well, like I said, I can’t do that. All I can do is troubleshoot with you on the phone to find out what’s wrong and then–”

Customer: “WELL THAT’S GREAT, A**HOLE! I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU SAY! SEND ME A TECH, NOW!”

Me, fake crying: “Why? Why do you hate me so much? Don’t you know how hard it is for a single mom with 5 kids to make a living?” *sob*

Customer: “???” *hangs up*

(I got written up for that. It was totally worth it though!)

(I was currently working in the electronics section of a discount super store, who’s favorite color use to be blue, when I was approached by a customer, which was surprising since the state was being hit by a significantly large ice storm.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to pick up my pictures.”

Me: “Hmm…it seems they aren’t in yet, when did you send them out?”

Customer: *very angry* “They were supposed to be in today!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the lab where they are processed is hours away and its too dangerous for the drivers to be out on the roads today.”

Customer: “Well I made it, how come they can’t?”

Me: “Sir, you live on the street behind the building, which is a much shorter and safer distance compared to the over 120 miles the driver would have to drive, especially on roads that not even emergency vehicles won’t go onto.”

Customer: “I was told my pictures were going to be back today, and I want them today!”

(I’m about to apologize to the man but am beaten to the punch by the customer behind him…)

Customer #2: “Yeah! You guys should have dog sleds on the side just in case.”

Original Customer: “Don’t be ridiculous!”

Customer #2: *in a very apologetic tone* “I’m sorry, I thought it was my turn to make insane demands.”

Original Customer: *storms off talking to the air about how rude people are*

Customer #2: “That was fun!” *walks away*

(Unfortunately, I never got to thank that second customer. Wherever you are Customer #2, thank you.)

Related:
We Need One Of These In Every Store

(There is a huge line of customers waiting on their drinks. An impatient customer who just placed his order assumes the next drink is his and takes it, after I call someone else’s name.)

Customer: “This isn’t hot chocolate.”

Me: “That’s because you grabbed someone else’s drink.”

Customer: “But it isn’t hot chocolate!”

Me: “There are nine people in front of you waiting for drinks. You grabbed the wrong drink.”

Customer: “But it isn’t hot chocolate.”

(I look at the order screen for the name on the drink he took.)

Me: “Is your name ***?”

Customer: “No, and this isn’t hot chocolate!”

Me: “That’s because you took ****’s drink!”

Customer: “It’s not hot chocolate!”

Me: “Hand me the drink and I will remake the person who’s drink you took. I’ll make your hot chocolate, but it will take a few minutes!!”

(Customer hands the drink back to me.)

Customer: “It’s not hot chocolate!”

(We’re selling tons of over-the-counter, store-brand medications at buy one, get one free. I ring up a lady who has two bottles of cough syrup with her. She keeps a stern eye on the cash register monitor as I check them through.)

Lady: “That’s not right.”

Me: “What isn’t?”

Lady: “The coupon says buy one at $6.99, get the other one free.”

Me: “Precisely. You’re getting both of these for $6.99.”

Lady: “But one’s ringing up as $3.50 and the other at $3.49.”

Me: “That’s correct. The register divides these differences automatically.”

Lady, growing fidgety: “But that’s not what the COUPON says.”

Me: *after a pause* “Well, $3.50 plus $3.49 is $6.99.”

Lady: “So this is how you scam customers!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m pretty certain that we here at [drugstore chain] do not scam our customers when even basic math can rule out any differences.”

Lady: “I only want one. Put this other one back, I don’t want it. I’m not paying an extra $3.49 for this. The ad said buy one, get one free, and I’m not getting that one for free.”

Me: *head-desk*

Related:
This Is Why Math Is Your Friend

(I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver–AKA Hollywood North–that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

Movie Set B*tch: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

(Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

MSB: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

MSB: “Yes. Please hurry!”

(We get the sign done in 2.5 hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there.)

(MSB Looks at the sign and throws a fit.)

MSB: “I SAID TEAK! TEAK! TEAK! TEAK!”

(I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

MSB: “YES! TEAK!”

Me: “That’s mahogany”.

MSB: “F*CK YOU, YOU LITTLE SH*T. YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS IF IT PUTS US OFF SCHEDULE!”

(MSB storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

Director: “What’s the problem?”

(MSB tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

Director, to MSB: “God d*mnit, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

MSB: *looks like she’s going to barf*

(The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him 2 hours but it was going to cost them.)

(On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)

(A female comes into the bar and asks to use the toilets.)

Me: “Sorry, toilets are for customer use only.”

Her: “I just started my period. If you don’t let me use the toilet, I’m going to bleed all over your floor.”

Me: “First door on the left.”

(I was working in the seasonal section of a large bulk retail chain. It was Christmas time and we sold large sets of decorative houses with lights in them.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to purchase one of these…” *points to a house set* “…but there aren’t anymore underneath it. Where are the others stored?”"

(I use my price gun to check the quantities of said item.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it appears we are sold out.”

Customer: “Oh, well then I’ll just take this one.” *points to the display unit*

Me: “Oh, that’s just a display unit. That one isn’t for sale.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, this is one of those specific items that we are given a temporary display unit from the vendor that we have to send back at the end of the season.”

Customer: “So why can’t I buy it?”

Me: “Well, it’s not ours to sell. It is rented from the people who made the set.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t buy it!”

Me: “It does not belong to us. We cannot sell what does not belong to us.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “…what kind of car do you drive?”

Customer: “A 2000 Focus, why?”

Me, to a passing customer: “Sir, would you like to buy a 2000 Focus?”

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Selling your car.”

Customer: “Why? It’s MY car!”

Me: “Well, I didn’t think ownership made a difference to you.”

(She then stormed off to talk to a manager who told her I would be taken care of. He then proceeded to buy me a piece of pizza for making his day.)

(I’m a 28 year old female and work for a computer store. I’m alone in the store when a middle-aged man walks in.)

Me: “Hi there, can I help you?”

Customer: “Are there any computer guys around here?”

Me: “Just me at the moment, anything I can help you with?”

Customer: *tries to look behind me to the stock room and repair area* “Well, aren’t there any computer GUYS here?”

Me: “No. Look, is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Well um…I need this fixed.” *holds a multimedia
jukebox*

Me: “Well, I work in repairs as well so just tell me what’s wrong with it and I’ll take a look at it for you.”

Customer: “Listen, I just need to talk to a computer guy! I did everything right. I put the hard disk in but it still won’t work. Just get a guy to fix it!”

Me: “Well, the most common mistake is when people forget to format the hard disk. I can have that fixed in 5 minutes.”

Customer: “Yeah sure. Get one of the tech GUYS to do it and call me when it’s ready.”

Me: “Sure, no problem.”

(I went back and of course he hadn’t formatted the disk. I fix it and call the guy who shows up immediately.)

Me: “Here you go. As I thought you had just forgotten to format the disk. I did that for you and it’s working fine now.”

Customer: “No, that can’t have been the problem. I KNOW computers.”

Me: “Well, this isn’t a computer, and it’s a common mistake to make when you put the hard disk in yourself. Anyway, I fixed it for you so everything should be fine now.”

Customer: “Look, isn’t there a computer GUY I could talk to?”

Me: *losing will to live and considering a sex change*