(Customer walks in and is a bright white Jewish guy with a big beard.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my brother says you can give me a tan so I can look like Wesley Snipes.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You know Wesley Snipes, He’s got a great tan. It looks like he’s a real black guy.”

Me: “Wesley Snipes IS a REAL black guy.”

Customer: “Yeah, because of the great tan he’s got.”

Me: “…Okay?”

Customer: “Look, I just need to be as dark as that guy so I can learn how to rap.”

Me: “You can learn how to rap without being black. Look at Eminem.”

Customer: “Are you gonna give me a tan or what? I have all the money to pay for it.”

Me: “Well, okay. If that’s what you want…but you’re gonna have to shave off that beard and go to the jewelry shop across the street to buy a giant platinum chain with diamonds all over it.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”

(So we put him through the spray tanner like ten times and made him pay 35 bucks for every time. We had almost gotten him as black as Wesley Snipes when our boss walked in and asked what the h*ll was going on. He said we had to shave all beards before starting the process. So, now this guy gets his beard shaved by my coworker and the result was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life. He looked like a freaking raccoon!)

(The customer looks in the mirror.)

Customer: “You sons of b**ches, you did this on purpose! You racist b**tards hate Jewish people! All I wanted was a f**king tan!”

(The raccoon got dressed super fast and ran out…)

Customer: “Where are your walnuts?”

Me: “It’s over with the other nuts.”

Customer: “I didn’t see them.”

Me: “They’re next to the cashews. Trust me, when you see them, you will laugh.”

(Time passes, I finish filling my bin and wade through Christmas crowd to check on the customer. I find her standing right in front of the walnuts. She’s clearly found them.)

Me: “You found them.”

Customer: “Yeah. I couldn’t see them because the sign was in the way.”

(Note she’s referring to a large, 18 inch sign with three inch wide red letters that read WALNUTS. It was added because customers complained they couldn’t find them.)

Me: “You couldn’t see the walnuts because of the sign that said WALNUTS?”

Customer: *angry* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “I…can’t help you.”

(We are running this little sale that offers the customer 20% off on regular priced item.)

Customer: “So, can I use the sale coupon on sale items?”

Me: “Unfortunately, the coupon is only good on regularly priced item.”

Customer: “What about sale items?”

Me: “It can only be used on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “But the shoes were $109, and now they are $79.”

Me: “We can only use it on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “But it’s marked down!”

Me: *losing patience, but still with a smile* “I’m sorry, but again we can only use it on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “Well, then make my shoes regular priced and give me my 20%!”

Me: “Sure, I’d be happy to. You grand total comes to $87.20.”

Customer: “Finally! I swear, all you people try to do is swindle us out of buying sale items with that regular priced coupon. But I see through what you’re trying to do.”

Me: “Yes. I’ll do everything I can to give you the best deal you want.”

We are a Specialist Inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the US$40,000 despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we were in the process of taking them to court to get payment.

They were making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I recently got a phone call from their operations manager.

Customer: “Ah, Mr. A***, we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?

Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

Customer: “Please Mr. A***, that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000 dollars. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

Me: “What about our money?”

Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

Me: “Goodbye.”

Customer: “But what ab–” *click*

Me: “Good afternoon, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

Me: “Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s ***. Now transfer me to the right section.”

Me: “…how may I help you?”

Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

*OH SNAP*

Me: “Alright. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Does it?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

(This is a friend’s experience while working at a popular fast food place on the overnight shift.)

Employee: “Thanks for calling, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I came through drive-thru earlier tonight, and there’s something wrong with my food.”

Employee: “Um, okay…what’s wrong exactly?”

Customer: “Well, I ordered ***, and there was a used condom on the sandwich.”

Employee, holding in a laugh: “Sir, that’s impossible. We don’t practice safe sex here.”

Customer: “Well played.” *hangs up*

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank name], may I please have your 16-digit account number?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “That’s fine, may I please have your SS number so I’m able to find you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your social security number?”

Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that, it’s not SECURE!”

Me: “Umm…okay? Would you like to call us back on a land line so that your call is more ’secure’?”

Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my D*MN BALANCE!”

(At this point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

(I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

(My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Ok, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a hand written receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back, I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point customer gets very loud and starts throwing oranges around the store. Someone calls the police and he is eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

Me: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedic office. How can I help you?”

Caller: “PUT MY DAUGHTER ON THE PHONE!”

Me: “I’m sorry? This is **** Ortho–”

Caller: “No it isn’t! Now put my daughter on the phone right now! She knows she isn’t supposed to have boys over!”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “NO I DON’T.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid–”

Caller: “You better be! I’m on my way home RIGHT NOW and god help you if you’re still there!”

(By this point we have several calls waiting to be answered. My supervisor signals me to transfer the call to them so I can get back to my job.)

Me: “Ma’am, I assure you this is a medical office. Would you like to speak to my supervisor?”

Caller: *dripping with sarcasm* “Oh suuuure! Put me through to your supervisor!”

Supervisor: “Thank you for calling **** Orthopedics, how can I help you?”

Caller: “WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!”

(It took several minutes for my supervisor to get the woman off the phone, after which she called three more times…)

(Background story: This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison is THE biggest event of the year. My store had many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I was at my cash register for check-out when a customer came to me.)

Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

(The customer puts down a wig, make-ups, a pantyhose, condoms, and lubes on my register.)

Me: “Ok.” *starts scanning*

Customer: “…”

Me: *still scanning*

Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!!!!” *runs out*

Me: “!?!”