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    Customer Engagement At An All Time High

    | Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Love/Romance, Top

    (A regular customer comes in every Thursday night without fail. She comes in to see what new jewellery we have in stock. On this day, her boyfriend has come into the store at about 1 pm. He specifically asks for me.)

    Boyfriend: “Hi, [My Name]. As you know, [Regular Customer] will be coming in tonight. I need your help to find her the most perfect diamond engagement ring. I don’t want to ask her what she wants. I want her to choose. But… I don’t want her to know. Can you help me?”

    Me: “Oh, absolutely! I’ve already got some ideas! Now, when you come in tonight, please just act normal. Then play along, okay?”

    Boyfriend: “Okay! I knew you could help me with this!”

    (I go speak with my manager and explain everything. She agrees that I can help. Approximately six hours pass. I see the regular customer walking into the store, with her boyfriend behind her. She does her normal look around the store. I’m standing behind the diamond ring section, pretending to clean some of the rings. She eventually makes her way to my section.)

    Me: “Good evening, [Regular Customer]. Come to admire our jewels again?”

    Regular Customer: “This is like Nirvana for me! I absolutely love this store. Always nice staff and nice jewels!”

    Me: “And, as always, it’s lovely to see you again.”

    (The boyfriend is looking a little green at this stage. I know the nerves are really starting to kick in.)

    Me: “Here’s a new diamond ring that came in today.”

    (I hand her the diamond ring, and she is admiring it.)

    Regular Customer: “Nope. Doesn’t do anything for me.”

    (I find a couple of other new rings and show them to her.)

    Me: “What about these? Any of these catch your eye?”

    Regular Customer: “Not really. I’m such a fusspot!”

    Me: *taking a chance* “Would you like to see a ring on your finger?”

    Regular Customer: “Oh… That’s pretty! I like that one!”

    Me: “Good choice! It even has matching wedding bands, so you will be able to have the whole set.”

    Regular Customer: “I like that. Less hassle before a wedding!”

    (I take the ring from her and give it another polish. I stand back a little and watch what I know is about to happen.)

    Boyfriend: “So, this one?”

    (In a split moment, the boyfriend gets down on one knee. He holds the ring up to her and asks her to marry him, right in front of me.)

    Regular Customer: “Oh, my god! YES!”

    (I now have tears in my eyes. The manager rushes over and dumps a whole heap of confetti on them both. I reach underneath my counter and present a champagne bucket with champagne on ice and two glasses.)

    Regular Customer: “Oh, [My Name]. You knew all along! You knew he would do this! Thank you so, so much for helping him!”

    Boyfriend: “How can I ever thank you?”

    Me: “Just come back and get your wedding rings from me!”

    (After the shock and excitement died down a little, we cracked open the champagne. We toasted the happy couple (my champagne was in a coffee cup!). They left about half an hour later. The couple returned to the store about an hour after leaving, with a HUGE arrangement of flowers and my favourite bottle of perfume. It most definitely made my day!)

    How To Make Grandma Nun Too Happy

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Family & Kids, Love/Romance, Top

    (I am Asian. I work as a cashier at a supermarket. Today I get one of my great-aunts in line. We chat as I am checking out her groceries.)

    Aunt: “So have you found anyone yet, [Name]?”

    Me: “Not yet, Auntie.”

    Aunt: “Well, [My Grandma] is getting anxious, you know. She wants great-grandchildren.”

    Me: “She already has great-grandchildren, Auntie. My cousins have kids, remember?”

    Aunt: “Then, your parents! They want to see you married and settled with grandchildren!”

    (My parents have never made any such demands of me, nor made any indication of such being expected. I remain calm and polite, as I am still at work and my great-aunt is a paying customer.)

    Me: *changing the subject slightly* “I think my sister would have something to say about that!”

    (My sister is both older than me and already married.)

    Aunt: “Oh, yes, that’s right! She did the right thing, you know; marrying properly.”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Aunt: “She married that nice [regional Chinese] boy. Not just [other Chinese], but [regional Chinese], like us. Proper. Your grandma said so.”

    (I am appalled, all the more so because she’s utterly sincere.)

    Me: “…I thought she was joking?”

    Aunt: “Oh no! Very serious. She was quite upset when [My Cousin] married that Vietnamese boy. And all these others, gwailo (white people) and…”

    (She goes on a tirade about not marrying outside the group. I am speechless.)

    Me: “Your total is [amount], Auntie.”

    Aunt: “Oh, I bought too much again! Ah, the boys will eat it. See you soon, [My Name]!”

    (I automatically wave goodbye, still dumbfounded. Finally, she’s bagged her things and gone.)

    Me: *thinking out loud* “Screw this. I might as well join a convent.”

    Next Customer: “I don’t think that’d work for a bright young girl like you, sweetheart.”

    (It is at this point I realize both my new customers are wearing habits and veils.)

    Me: “Oh, crap! Sorry, Sisters.”

    Nun #1: “Don’t be!”

    Nun #2: “We heard what she said. You love who want, when you want, in your own good time.”

    Nun #1: “Besides, running off to a convent doesn’t work like that these days. You need a vocation.”

    (She leans forward to take my hand.)

    Nun #1: “And convent life isn’t all that cracked up to be! You’re a good girl, and a lovely person. We always look for you when we stop by, you know. Take your time to figure out your path.”

    Nun #2: “And if it does lead to us, at least you’ll be prepared! Either way, have faith. Bless you, dear!”

    (I finish ringing them up, and they go on their way. My supervisor walks over.)

    Supervisor: “You all right?”

    (I shrug, dazed.)

    Supervisor: “Go take your break. You’re due for one, anyway.”

    (One of the weirdest and most heartwarming shifts I ever had!)

    The Race Card Is Double Sided

    | Mobile, AL, USA | Bigotry, Food & Drink, Top

    (My husband and I are new to the area. We are trying out a popular fried chicken restaurant that is on a side of town primarily occupied by black people. I am white, and my husband is Mexican.)

    Me: “This chicken is great!”

    Husband: “Yeah, but it’d be better with some hot sauce! I’ll go get some!”

    (I slide out of the booth we are in to let him out. As I step back I accidentally bump another patron who is walking back up front to refill his drink. He drops his cup.)

    Me: “Oops! I’m sorry!”

    Customer: *glaring at me* “What’s wrong with you? You in the wrong side of town. You think you can hit me just cuz I’m black?! Racist b****!”

    (My husband is about to intervene, but I speak up.)

    Me: “You think you can say that just because I’m white?”

    Customer: *long pause* “…say what?”

    Me: “You think you can claim I’m racist just because I’m white?”

    Customer: “I… you… what?”

    Me: “Seeing as how my husband is Mexican, I don’t think you can cry racism on this one, man. Nice try.”

    (I pick up his cup and get a whiff of what he was drinking.)

    Me: “What were you drinking? Sprite?”

    Customer: “…yeah.”

    (I go refill his drink for him and hand it back to him with a smile on my face.)

    Me: “There ya go.”

    Customer: “You pretty nice, for a cracker.”

    Me: “You’re pretty nice, for someone so ignorant. Racism works both ways, man. Don’t let it—”

    Customer: “—yeah. Okay. Sorry.”

    (Thankfully, my husband and I finish our meals without any more interruptions.)

    Feeding The Baby And The Trolls

    | KS, USA | Health & Body, History, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a renaissance festival every year for the past 11 years. My son is about 6 months old. As there is no spot designated for breastfeeding, I just find somewhere quiet and out of the way. Two patrons notice me.)

    Patron #1: “Oh, my God. What are you doing!?”

    Me: “Beg your pardon? Are you talking to me?”

    Patron #1: “Yes, of course! That is so nasty. You should be ashamed. That is absolutely disgusting, and sinful, and child abuse.”

    Me: “Oh, please. I do not want to hear it. I’m feeding my son. There is nothing wrong with it and it’s my right to do it wherever I want.”

    Patron #2: “He’s right. You can’t do that here. Take that nasty s*** where it belongs. Get a f****** bottle.”

    Me: “Leave me alone, please. I have a right by Kansas law to feed my son anywhere I want.”

    Patron #1: “Feed him with a bottle. That’s nasty and unsanitary. You’re abusing him by making him do that. Why you feminist b****es want to do that is beyond me. You’re so gross.”

    Me: “Okay. I’m not going to defend myself to you. So, just keep moving guys.”

    (One of my fellow festival participants comes along.)

    Participant: “Excuse me, gentlemen. Is there something I can do to help you?”

    Patron #2: “Yeah. You can make her leave. No one wants to see that!”

    Patron #1: “You guys shouldn’t allow that in your festival. You’re promoting child abuse.”

    Participant: “She actually has every right to be here as she’s a member of the faire, as is her baby. She has to feed him, gentlemen. If it bothers you, please feel free to look away from her.”

    Patron #1: “No. I want to sit on that bench right there and watch the gypsy’s dance. She needs to move.”

    Me: “I’m not moving. If you want to watch the show and don’t want to sit by me, go sit somewhere else.”

    (All the participants carry a walkie-talkie to contact security. This participant calls them.)

    Patron #1: “That’s right. You get someone here to make her leave.”

    (I move my son to burp him and switch sides. One of the patrons grabs my arm and attempts to remove me himself. I have my hands full with my son. I spot a group of yeomen (royal guards) walking by and immediately start yelling for them.)

    Me: “Insuth! Insuth!”

    (This is a way to alert other performers that I am NOT acting, and that I am in actual danger. The yeomen run over and one of them draws his sword, which is very real.)

    Yeoman: “I’d suggest you let the lady go. It appears she does not wish to accompany you.”

    Patron #2: “This little b**** needs to get the f*** out and we’re going to help show her the way.”

    (The other three yeomen draw their swords as well.)

    Yeoman: “I’m really thinking that is not going to happen. As it is, you gentlemen will be the ones leaving the grounds.”

    Patron #1: *sarcastically* “Oh, yeah. You and your fake weapons are gonna make us, right?”

    (One of the yeomen steps up to the tree that is next to him and takes a swing at it. The sword embeds several inches before he pulls it back out to show it is very real and sharp.)

    Yeoman: “Is that demonstration enough for you, sir? Would you like another?”

    (Finally, security arrives and holds the patrons until two state troopers come and arrest them. The yeoman who helped me was given a pin of achievement, as he had not broken character during the entire ordeal. I made them muffins every morning for the rest of the festival and have done so every year since.)

    Showing Devilish Customers How It’s Done

    | AK, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Religion, Top

    (A particularly angry customer comes through my line. Despite my best and calmest efforts to help, she begins to yell at me in front of the whole line. Among other things, she calls me names, says I don’t deserve to be alive, and then tries to punch me on the top of my head. I have to spend a full twenty minutes in the break room to try and calm down. One of my coworkers has witnessed the whole thing. The very next day, the customer returns, acting like nothing has happened. My coworker suddenly stands in front of customer.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

    Customer: “What?! Why?”

    Coworker: “Because yesterday you yelled at and assaulted one of my coworkers until she cried. I believe that’s grounds for a ban from the store. Please get out.”

    Customer: *growing angry* “You can’t do that, you brat!”

    Coworker: “Ma’am, three minutes’ worth of security footage and several witnesses says I CAN do that. You will not be welcome here any longer. Leave.”

    Customer: “You can just go to H***, you—”

    Coworker: “I went there once. Now I RULE it. Now GET OUT OF OUR STORE.”

    (By this time three of the managers have arrived to back him up and escort the customer out. She screamed for a little while longer but eventually left, and never came back!)


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