(Our location has two entrances, one of which is closed because of unsafe conditions on the adjacent sidewalk due to a recent snowstorm. A woman approaches me as I’m shelving books.)

Patron: “Hi. You look like who I need to complain to.”

Me: “Okay. What seems to be the problem?”

Patron: “These conditions are unacceptable. I had to walk another block just to get in here. All because you and your employees are too lazy to pick up a shovel and clear that sidewalk.”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t have the say as to whether that sidewalk is open or not. The city made that decision yesterday for safety reasons.”

Patron: “I should have known when I saw you that you weren’t going to help me. You have that kind of face.”

Me: *speechless*

(At this point, another patrons steps in at my defense.)

Another Patron: “Excuse me, miss, I hope that you’re not referring to the sidewalk on [street]. My name is [name]. I’m a civil engineer for the city and I can assure that, given the water main rupture and the three feet of frozen ice/slush, it’s going to take an extensive amount of labor to clear and fix that sidewalk. Furthermore, I find it incredibly insensitive that you would complain about this inconvenience to you when, just the other day, a poor boy slipped and fell and broke both legs on that very sidewalk.”

Patron: *dumbfounded* “Well, I didn’t…” *walks away*

Me: “Hi! What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Well, I have two coupons here. One is a large pizza, four sodas, and 70 tokens for $29.99. The other is for a large pizza, four sodas, wings, and 110 tokens for $29.99. Which one is better?”

Me: “Well, I’d personally go with the second one. It’s the same price, plus you get an extra order of wings and 40 more tokens.”

Customer: “You’re just trying to get more money off of me, so you picked the worse deal. I’ll take the first coupon, idiot!”

(The waitress is trying to take our orders when a customer from the next table rudely interrupts.)

Customer: *interrupting* “Is the fish suitable for vegetarians?”

Waitress: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “The fish. Is it suitable for vegetarians?”

Waitress: *very politely* “No, it’s meat.”

Customer: “But it doesn’t say that there’s any meat. It says fish and chips and peas.”

Waitress: “The fish is meat.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. Only mammals have meat, like cows and chickens.”

Me: “Chickens aren’t mammals.”

Customer: “Of course they are; they have meat! Honestly, don’t you know how rude it is to interrupt somebody else’s conversation?!”

(I’m seven months pregnant and am working the checkout.)

Customer: “Oh, you’re pregnant! It’s a girl, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes, she is.”

Customer: “I could tell. Girls take all the beauty away from their mothers.”

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant)]. My name is—”

Customer: *rudely* “Can we go ahead and order? I am starving.”

Me: “Go right ahead, sir.”

Customer: “I’ll have the never-ending pancake sampler, but make it all bacon and add an extra egg over easy.”

(He finishes his order, but continues to stare at me the entire time, until his food arrives. Note that his order comes with 3 eggs, 6 strips of bacon, hash browns and 3 pancakes. He asks me to bring out more pancakes twice, bringing his total to 8.)

Me: *dropping off the check* “Is there anything else I can get for you today?”

Customer: “No, that was great. I’m sorry I was so rude earlier; I was just starving. I just got out of the hospital for a heart attack. They don’t let you eat anything in there!”

(There is a flight leaving our airport over an hour later than expected. My department is trying to re-direct passengers to other connecting flights, or reschedule flights they may miss because of the delay. An Irish woman, around 50, approaches the counter.)

Me: “I apologize for the delay. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hello, young man. I must say this delayed flight to Charlotte is unacceptable. I have a connector to Dublin I will need to be on ten minutes after this delayed flight lands. How do you expect me to make it in ten minutes?!”

Me: “I do apologize for the inconvenience. If you give me a couple of minutes, I can check and see how I can re-route you.” *begins searching* “Ma’am, I do have a direct flight from this airport to Dublin, leaving in about two hours. That will put you in Dublin a couple of hours ahead of schedule.”

Customer: “So I won’t go to Charlotte?”

Me: “No, you won’t. And due to the inconvenience, there will be no extra charge for moving you to the direct flight.”

Customer: “So I won’t go to Charlotte?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Ma’am, if I send you on this flight to Charlotte, you won’t have time to make the connector to Dublin. However, if I put you on the flight I’m talking about—”

Customer: “The one that won’t have me going to Charlotte?”

Me: “Yes, that one. If I put you on—”

Customer: “But I want to go to Charlotte.”

Me: “Let me check and see when the next flight from Charlotte to Dublin is.” *searching* “I have a flight leaving for Dublin tomorrow morning at 6:47 AM. That will put you in Dublin at around 7:00 PM at their local time, almost 24 hours later than if you just—”

Customer: “I’ll take it!”

Me: “May I ask why you would rather stay the night here in Boston than take this direct flight I’m offering you?”

Customer: “The Charlotte airport has a Cinnabon.”

(We’re a science fiction specialty bookstore. We also have a few other odds’n'ends around the store from series that do well, including several bits of Doctor Who merchandise.)

Me: “Can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “All of your Doctor Who stuff is bootlegged!”

Me: “I assure you it’s not, sir. As you can see, it has the BBC logo on it.”

Customer: “They can print anything in China. This TARDIS is a total knock off!”

Me: “Possibly, but we source our merchandise from reputable distributors located in the US & UK. We’re using the same suppliers that the [National Broadcaster] store uses for its Doctor Who merchandise.”

Customer: “Bulls***! This is all fake! And you know how I can tell? Phoneboxes are RED!”

Me: “Hi, can I help you?

Customer: “Yeah, when do you start lunch?”

Me: “At 10:30, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, so can I get [large lunch meal]?”

Me: “No, ma’am, it’s still breakfast.”

Customer: “But you just said you start lunch at 10:30!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but it’s not 10:30 yet.”

Customer: “What time is it?”

Me: “6:00 am, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh.” *long pause* “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was this high when I left the house!”