(I’m selling a camcorder to a man and his girlfriend. The guy is clueless about cameras and the girl knows a little bit more.)

Guy: “I don’t really know too much about cameras, she knows more than I do. I just want something good.”

Me: “Well this one is good because…” *explaining*

Guy to girl: “Honey, do you understand any of this?”

Girl: “Yeah, don’t worry. I think I know what we want.”

Guy to me: “Look, if you had to choose a camera to take naked pictures of her *points to girlfriend*, which would you choose?”

Me: “Well…this one has a built in hard drive so you can tape for longer without changing tapes.”

(The guy’s phone rings and he leaves me alone with girlfriend.)

Girl: “Do you get that a lot?”

Me: “More than you would think.”

(A customer spent about 15 minutes asking every employee where the 9 inch taper candles were located that she bought the last time she visited the store. All the while, she was holding onto a 10 inch taper candle. Our store never carried a 9 inch taper candle–they only come in 6, 8, 10, 12 and 15 inches. The store owner is observing the customer during this whole time.)

Customer: “I want to talk to the manager!”

Manager/wife of the owner: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I know I bought 9 inch taper candles here before. Show me where they are located.”

Wife of the owner: “I am sorry, but we have never sold a 9 inch taper candle. They do not come in that size.”

Customer: “I know you had them, where are they!”

(The owner reaches out and grabs the 10 inch taper from the customer’s hand. He bites off 1 inch of the taper and hands it back to the customer.)

Owner: “THERE IS YOUR 9 INCH TAPER CANDLE!”

Customer: *to the wife of the owner* “I want to talk to the OWNER!”

Wife of the owner: “You just did.”

Related:
Even Owners Have A Stupid Quota
Even Bosses Have A Stupid Quota

Me: “Good morning sir, would you like a room for the night?”

Husband: “Ummmmm…I dunno, let me go ask my wife.”

(He leaves for about 10 minutes.)

Husband: “She said yes. How much for 1 bed?”

Me: “It’s 79 plus tax, sir, but the only single bed rooms we have right now are smoking rooms.”

Husband: “Okay, let me go ask my wife.”

(He’s gone for another 10 minutes or so. He comes back with his wife.)

Wife: “Why don’t you have any non-smoking rooms?”

Me: “We sold out of them earlier this afternoon. In fact, we only have 3 rooms left for the night.”

Wife: “Well, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard in all my life! You are going to rent me a room or I’m going to have to speak to your manager!”

Me: “Okay ma’am, what kind of room would you like? ”

Wife: “WE would like a single, NON-SMOKING ROOM!”

Me: “I already told you and your husband that we only have smoking rooms available.”

Wife: “I. WANT. NON. SMOKING.”

Me: “I only have smoking rooms left. If you want, though I can give you the location of another hotel.”

Husband: “We’re only gonna be here a few hours. Smoking is fine. I’m just sleeping.”

(They bicker back and forth for nearly 20 minutes. Another customer comes up to the desk, and I offer to help her.)

Wife: “You will not help anyone else until you help me!”

(The other customer doesn’t seem to mind and stands back.)

Wife: “Just give me the stupid smoking room.”

Me: “I need to see your driver’s license, ma’am.”

Wife: “WHAT? ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME! I’VE NEVER BEEN ASKED FOR MY LICENSE AT ANY HOTEL BEFORE!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s standard procedure for pretty much any hotel you go to. It’s for liability reasons, and in case the room is damaged in any way.”

Wife: “F*** YOU! YOU’RE A F***ING SPY! I WILL NOT BE KEPT UNDER SURVEILLANCE! F*** YOU AND YOUR STUPID F***ING HOTEL!”

(The wife proceeds to throw everything she can reach at me, and tries coming over the counter at me. She then starts stripping off her clothes and running around in circles in the lobby. Thankfully the other customer calls 911 and the police arrive in moments. I gave the second lady a complimentary room.)

(A pimply, overweight 18 year-old boy dumps a satin black flame-job man thong on the counter.)

Boy: “Uh, can I return this? My mom got it for me.”

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “Why not? Why didn’t your parents teach you?”

Me: “Because we’re Hawaiian.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not an excuse.”

Me: “Do you speak Hawaiian?”

Customer: “Of course not, I’m Colombian.”

Me: “Well, that’s no excuse.”

(Customer walks in and is a bright white Jewish guy with a big beard.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, my brother says you can give me a tan so I can look like Wesley Snipes.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You know Wesley Snipes, He’s got a great tan. It looks like he’s a real black guy.”

Me: “Wesley Snipes IS a REAL black guy.”

Customer: “Yeah, because of the great tan he’s got.”

Me: “…Okay?”

Customer: “Look, I just need to be as dark as that guy so I can learn how to rap.”

Me: “You can learn how to rap without being black. Look at Eminem.”

Customer: “Are you gonna give me a tan or what? I have all the money to pay for it.”

Me: “Well, okay. If that’s what you want…but you’re gonna have to shave off that beard and go to the jewelry shop across the street to buy a giant platinum chain with diamonds all over it.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”

(So we put him through the spray tanner like ten times and made him pay 35 bucks for every time. We had almost gotten him as black as Wesley Snipes when our boss walked in and asked what the h*ll was going on. He said we had to shave all beards before starting the process. So, now this guy gets his beard shaved by my coworker and the result was the funniest thing I had ever seen in my life. He looked like a freaking raccoon!)

(The customer looks in the mirror.)

Customer: “You sons of b**ches, you did this on purpose! You racist b**tards hate Jewish people! All I wanted was a f**king tan!”

(The raccoon got dressed super fast and ran out…)

Customer: “Where are your walnuts?”

Me: “It’s over with the other nuts.”

Customer: “I didn’t see them.”

Me: “They’re next to the cashews. Trust me, when you see them, you will laugh.”

(Time passes, I finish filling my bin and wade through Christmas crowd to check on the customer. I find her standing right in front of the walnuts. She’s clearly found them.)

Me: “You found them.”

Customer: “Yeah. I couldn’t see them because the sign was in the way.”

(Note she’s referring to a large, 18 inch sign with three inch wide red letters that read WALNUTS. It was added because customers complained they couldn’t find them.)

Me: “You couldn’t see the walnuts because of the sign that said WALNUTS?”

Customer: *angry* “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “I…can’t help you.”

(We are running this little sale that offers the customer 20% off on regular priced item.)

Customer: “So, can I use the sale coupon on sale items?”

Me: “Unfortunately, the coupon is only good on regularly priced item.”

Customer: “What about sale items?”

Me: “It can only be used on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “But the shoes were $109, and now they are $79.”

Me: “We can only use it on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “But it’s marked down!”

Me: *losing patience, but still with a smile* “I’m sorry, but again we can only use it on regularly priced items.”

Customer: “Well, then make my shoes regular priced and give me my 20%!”

Me: “Sure, I’d be happy to. You grand total comes to $87.20.”

Customer: “Finally! I swear, all you people try to do is swindle us out of buying sale items with that regular priced coupon. But I see through what you’re trying to do.”

Me: “Yes. I’ll do everything I can to give you the best deal you want.”

We are a Specialist Inspection company. Over two years ago, we did a job at short notice for another company that could not supply the service. They refused to pay us the US$40,000 despite getting paid by the client (and making a decent profit) and we were in the process of taking them to court to get payment.

They were making the matter even more drawn out than normal by messing the court about, not turning up, etc. I recently got a phone call from their operations manager.

Customer: “Ah, Mr. A***, we need you to do an urgent job for us.”

Me: “…but you still owe us $40,000 from the last job we did for you.”

Customer: “What about the good relationship between our companies?

Me: “We don’t have a good relationship. We are taking you to court over this, remember?”

Customer: “Please Mr. A***, that is all in the past. Can we not work together, for the good of the relationship?”

Me: “The last time I saw you, you lied to me. Your manager has only ever lied to me. You owe us $40,000 dollars. We are taking you to court. How can we have a good relationship?”

Customer: “We must work together, to build a good relationship.”

Me: “What about our money?”

Customer: “You are always going on about the money! Why can’t we have a good relationship?”

Me: “It’s not going to happen.”

Customer: “See, that is why we need a good relationship!”

Me: “Goodbye.”

Customer: “But what ab–” *click*

Me: “Good afternoon, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

Me: “Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s ***. Now transfer me to the right section.”

Me: “…how may I help you?”

Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

*OH SNAP*

Me: “Alright. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

*silence*

Me: “Does it?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”