(I’ve had a migraine all day on the job at the grocery store. I am making a valiant effort to fake it just a little longer, when…)

Customer: “You look too happy.”

Me: “Well, I’m–”

Customer: “I can fix that.”

(The customer proceeds to pull out something from her purse and shine a very bright light in my eyes. I take several steps back in pain.)

Customer: “There! I told you we could fix that!”

Me: “Would you like to sign up for our free checking account?”

Customer: “No, I usually keep my money in my sofa for safe keeping.”

Me: “You shouldn’t do that.”

Customer: “But it gains interest.”

Me: “How does that work?”

Customer: “When people come over, they keep losing their change in my couch.”

(At my store, we have several baggers that are deaf. On this day, one of them was bagging for me and I was running a register.)

Customer: *to bagger* “Excuse me, where is the mens’ room?”

Bagger: *motions that he is deaf and cannot hear him*

Customer: “I SAID where is the mens’ room?!”

Bagger: *points to the sign on his nametag stating he is deaf*

Customer: “Aren’t you going to tell me where the mens’ room is?!”

Me: “Sir, he can’t hear you; he’s deaf.”

Customer: “Why is he so f***ing rude? I asked him a question; he could just TELL me he’s deaf.”

Me: “Sir, the mens’ room is over there.” *points*

Customer: *to bagger* “You should’ve told me you’re deaf. It’s rude to not answer people like that.”

Me: *signs to bagger to tell him what the customer said*

Bagger: *signs back, “What an idiot!”*

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “My cable won’t stop changing channels.”

(I walk the customer through a basic re-set.)

Me: “Has that resolved the issue?”

Customer: “No, it’s still changing channels.”

Me: “OK, you’re just watching it and it’s just randomly changing channels by itself?”

Customer: “Yes, when I press the channel up and down buttons on the remote, it keeps changing channels.”

Me: “…that’s the purpose of the channel buttons.”

Customer: “Well, how do I get it to stop changing channels?”

Me: “Stop pressing the channel buttons.”

Customer: *getting irritated* “But I want to press the channel buttons, but it won’t stop changing.”

Me: “If you don’t want it to change, stop pressing the buttons.”

Customer: “Oh…but how do I get it to stop?”

Me: “Put your remote down and don’t touch it.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous, why would you have that button if it’s just going to change the channels?!”

(I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.)

Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.”

Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?”

Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.’”

Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!”

(A customer comes into our swimsuit store wearing one of our swimsuits, dripping wet. She’s obviously come straight from the pool.)

Me: “Hello, can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a refund for this suit. It’s defective!”

Me: “What’s the problem with it?”

(Without hesitating, the customer pulls down the front of the suit, flashing her top to me, the store, and the security cameras. The rest of the customers clear out. She’s attempting to show me that the removable cup liners in the bra have curled up.)

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not a defect. It just curled up. You can straighten it out yourself, or you can go into our changeroom, take off the suit. I’ll fix it and you can put it back on.”

Customer: “But this suit is defective! I need a refund!”

(My supervisor comes over and she flashes the store again to show the “defect”.)

Supervisor: “That’s not a defect, and as it’s clearly posted, there are no refunds on swimwear.”

Customer: “So I’m just out $90 then? I demand a refund! I did not waste my money on a defective suit!”

Me: “Those liners are removable. We can just take them out and they won’t roll up on you any more.”

Customer: “What?! I’ll show my nipples to the whole f***ing pool!”

(A man has been causing a ruckus at the registers for ten minutes and a line had formed behind him.)

Man: “I’m a lawyer and I know my rights! If you don’t take this return I’m going to sue the living s*** out of you.”

(A woman in a professional-looking business suit steps up to the register. In a cool professional voice, she asks to see the receipt that the man is waving. After a moment’s inspection, she gives him a hard stare over the rim of her glasses.)

Woman: “Sir, the store’s return policy is clearly printed on your receipt. They cannot take back opened CDs.”

Man: “But–”

Woman: “FURTHERMORE, by purchasing from this store, you are accepting the store’s return policy as a signed contract that you agreed to abide by.”

Man: “I–”

Woman: “IN ADDITION, by blatantly trying to circumvent this contract signed by you, no judge would rule in your favor.”

Man: “But I–”

Woman: “If you really were a lawyer, you would be fully aware of this fact. By claiming to be a lawyer when you are clearly NOT, you are committing an act of fraud, which can get you arrested.”

(The man turns white and flees the store without another peep.)

Woman: “I’ve had eight years’ experience working behind the registers, dealing with people like him. MAN, that felt GOOD!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [phone company]. How may I help you today?”

Female caller: “I’ve got this charge on my phone bill for almost $200, and I didn’t call that number.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s not a problem. Let me get you phone number and I will pull up your bill.”

Female caller: *gives phone number*

Me: “Okay, I see one phone call to [phone number] for a total of close to $200. What I will do is call the number and find out what it is. If they know you, I can not credit you for this; if it is a business number, I also can not credit you for this.”

Female caller: “Well, nobody in this house called that number. It’s just me and my husband, and we don’t know that number!”

(I put her on hold and call the number; it turns out to be a phone sex hotline.)

Me: “Ma’am, thank you for holding. I’m sorry, but that is a business number that charges per minute. They actually added the charge, not ourselves. I can’t credit your account.”

Female caller: “What the f*** do you mean you can’t?! I demand this off my bill!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but they added this charge–not us. They billed it through us to you for calling them.”

(At this point, I can hear her husband is in the background yelling and cussing about it too.)

Female caller: “If you keep saying it’s a business that charged this, what is it?!”

Me: “Um…’Big Girls…Want Your Love’, ma’am…”

Female caller: “What in the h***?! Nobody called that–” *both her and her husband suddenly go quiet*

Me: “…Ma’am?”

Female caller: “I will deal with this b***s**t myself!” *slams down the phone*

(Note: I’m helping a male customer find an IDE cable for his PC.)

Me: “…and the cables are right here.”

Customer: “This is for a full tower case. What’s the longest cable you have?”

(I measure the largest cable I can find. I think it was 20 inches.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s a bit too short.”

Me: “Sorry, that’s the longest I have. What sort of length were you looking for? I might be able to order something…”

Customer: “I need about 22 inches. That’s the story of my life…always two inches too short!”

Me: *chuckles*

Customer: *turns bright red and leaves in a hurry*

(I had a job on a boat, taking tourists out to sea so they could take really nice pictures of the midnight sun. One day, one of the tourists came up to me.)

Me: “What do you think of the midnight sun?”

Tourist: “Yeah, it’s really nice, but tell me one thing. On the map of our solar system, where is the midnight sun located?”

Me: “Er…the sun?”

Tourist: “No! I know where the sun is, but where is the midnight sun?”

Me: “The midnight sun and the sun are exactly the same, but when you are as far north as you are now, and since it’s summer, the sun never sets.”

Tourist: “WHAT THE F***?! I’m gonna sue your sorry a** for false advertisement! I didn’t come all the way from the US to watch the sun I have back home! *storms away*