Me: “Welcome to [company name] hotline. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My name is [name]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”

Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”

(I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)

Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.” (This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)

Caller: “Sure, no problem.”

(I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)

Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”

(I hand the call to my manager.)

Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”

Manager: “Promote him?”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Good afternoon, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a cake made. Can you make a cake in about 20 minutes?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we have no available decorators at this time. I can certainly take an order for tomorrow morning, however.”

Customer: “No! That’s unacceptable! I refuse to be treated differently just because I’m Jewish!”

Me: “I’m also a Jew, but the issue is that I don’t have the proper training to make a cake for you at this time. I can place an order for you, but can do little more than that.”

Customer: “No, forget it. I refuse to be discriminated like this! I’m leaving!”

Me: “Have a nice day, and happy Hanukkah!”

Customer: “What the h*** is Hanukkah?!”

(It is closing time. I come across a man in the reptile section staring intently at one of our pythons.)

Me: “Sir, just to let you know, the store will be closing in about–”

(The customer silences me and continues to watch the snake.)

Me: “Sir, did you–”

Customer: “I heard you. I’ll be out in a minute. This brat mcan’t last much longer.”

(The snake moves to the side, and so does the customer. It slithers back to its original position and he  suite. I notice his eyes are quivering all this time and he hasn’t blinked once.)

Me: “Sir, forgive my asking but are you trying to have a staring contest with Archie there?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “You do know snakes can’t blink, right?”

Customer: Oh, now you tell me? I’ve been challenging this brat for the last ten minutes!”

(I’m approached by what looks to be a teenager and a younger child.)

Teenager: “Hello. My daughter would like to get her belly button pierced.”

Me: “Did the man at the front check your ID?”

Teenager: “No.”

Me: “I’m going to have to.”

(I see that he is seventeen years old.)

Me: “Sir, this ID shows that your even younger then me. How old are you?”

Younger Child: “Eleven.”

Me: “So she’s eleven?”

Teenager: “Yes.”

Me: “And you’re seventeen?”

Teenager: “Yes.”

Me: “So you had her when you were six?”

*long pause*

Younger Child: “I told you it wouldn’t work, dumba**!”

(I am in the middle of a long bus ride. A woman is talking extremely loudly on her cell phone. Several other commuters have already moved away from her.)

Driver: “Ma’am. I have to ask you to quiet down. You are disturbing other passengers.”

Woman: “Ugh.”

(She lowers her voice for about three minutes, then begins yelling again.)

Driver: “Ma’am, I told you once already. If I can hear it, it’s too loud. If you don’t take it down a notch you’re getting off at the next stop.”

Woman: *glares* “I am trying to have a private conversation! Will you give me a minute?”

(At this point, a man who had moved away silently stands up, removes the big “Be A Considerate Commuter” sign from the overhead rack, and sits pointedly across from her with it.)

Woman: “Hold on, Lita. Some a** is trying to get my attention.” *covers phone* “If you don’t like it, you can get off the bus! Stop eavesdropping on me!”

Man: “Well ma’am, at this point, I think you could talk a little louder and dispense with the phone entirely.”

Woman: *flustered and angry* “Whatever! Okay, I’m back, Lita. So, anyway…”

(I hope the next stop was hers, because that’s where the driver left her.)

Related:
Why Cashiers Should Rule The World
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

Me: “May I help you?”

Caller: “Please put me through to [owner].”

Me: “Sure, who’s calling please?”

Caller: “His cousin Fred.”

Me: “I didn’t know he had a cousin Fred.”

Caller: “Why would you? You just answer phones! This is a family affair and none of your business! Who do you think you are anyway?”

Me: “[Owner]’s daughter.” *click*

Customer: “Where are your film cameras?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t carry those anymore, but our digital ones are right over there.”

Customer: “Okay, and where are the film ones?”

Me: “Unfortunately, we stopped carrying film cameras a long time ago.”

Customer: “Is that one film?”

Me: “No, sir. None of the cameras in this store will be film.”

Customer: “But that one is big. See, the film goes right there!”

Me: “That is actually where the batteries go. This camera doesn’t need film because it is a digital camera”

Customer: “So where does the film go?”

Me: “No film, sir. They store the pictures on an SD card.”

Customer: “Why aren’t you listening? All I want is to buy a film camera!”

Me: “I am very sorry sir, but we only carry digital cameras. No film cameras.”

Customer: *looks at a camera* “I think I want that one. What kind of film is best to put in it?”

Me: *giving up* “It is actually pretty interesting, they started putting all the film in this tiny little card to protect it from any sort of light. Only machines can develop the film, because the card is so small, so you can only get prints by putting the card in a computer.”

Customer: “Isn’t that amazing! That is so smart, the things they come up with today!”

(Note: a lunch party is sitting outside on our deck, which overlooks the waterfront.)

Me: “How is everything, folks?”

Customer: “Oh, the food’s great! It’s just a bit chilly out here.”

Me: “If you’d like, I can move you to a table inside, where it’s warmer.”

Customer: “Actually, could you just turn up the heat?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “The heat? Could you turn it up out here?”

Me: “There is no heating system.”

Customer: “Then, what’s that?” *points to railing around the deck*

Me: “That’s the railing.”

Customer: “No it’s not, it’s a heater! It’s warm!” *touches railing as to show me how warm it is*

Me: “It’s warm because its been sitting in the sun.”

Customer: “Don’t try to trick me! I’m a scientist, and I know that heaters make things warm!”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to return this pot, please.”

(The pot in question is in a box with our store logo on it, but the box looks older than me.)

Me: “Okay. Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(The customer hands me a wrinkled, yellow receipt from the eighties.)

Me: “Ma’am, why do want to return this pot?”

Customer: “The lid gets too hot.”

Me: “So, you have used it, then?”

Customer: “Of course! I use it all the time. But the lid gets too hot, so I want to return it.”

Me: “Well, our return policy is limited to sixty days. You bought this twenty-three years ago.”

Customer: “But I have a receipt!”

(I am speaking Spanish to a customer at the register. I finish the transaction and see the next customer.)

Customer: *speaking loudly and slowly* “Hello! I want to pay cash!”

Me: “Find everything you need today?”

Customer: “Wow so you can speak English and Spanish? I didn’t think you spoke any English”

Me: “Yes, I’m bilingual”

Customer: “Wow! So you speak two languages fluently and you’re gay?”

Me: “No, just bilingual.”

Customer: “I heard you the first time silly! Lots of gay pride in you, huh?”