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    Retort Against Those Who Extort

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Home Improvement, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (My mother is in her 70s, and is shopping at a thrift store when she spots a beautiful bamboo bookcase.)

    Clerk: “Hi. Do you need some help?”

    Mom: “I am interested in the shelf, but have to go home first and do some measuring.”

    Clerk: “No problem; I’ll make sure it’s still here when you get back.”

    (After getting home, measuring, and seeing it will fit, she calls me to ask if I can go with her to pick it up if it was still there. We get to the store, where she walks over to the bookshelf and shows me. About a second later, a customer immediately walks up to us.)

    Customer: “I’m actually buying this shelf… but how much would you be willing to give me NOT to buy this?”

    (My mom and I looked at each other in disbelief, and before I can even think of what to say to this idiot, the clerk from earlier immediately steps in:)

    Clerk: “Sorry, sir. This lady was here earlier and was going to buy it, but she had to run home and take measurements first.”.

    Customer: “Well, that’s not fair. I was just ready to buy this!”

    Clerk: “Sorry. She gets first pick.”

    Mom: *looking at the customer with a big grin* “And I decided I’ll take it.”

    Clerk: *with an even bigger grin* “Let me go ahead and ring you up, and you also get a senior discount!”

    (We spent the next few minutes cashing out while the customer just stood there and stared at us the whole time, and then stood out in the parking lot and kept staring at us (with a butt-hurt look) while I loaded it on the car, pausing here and there to give him a big ‘f*** you’ grin. Thank you, awesome clerk, for putting that a**-hole in his place for trying to extort money from the elderly!)

    De-Engineering Stereotypes

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Bigotry, Technology, Top

    (I am an engineer working the tech support line. I should also add that I’m the only female engineer in a department of all male engineers. I answer a support call:)

    Me: “Thank you for calling the engineering support line. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I need to talk to an engineer.”

    Me: “Sure, what’s your question?”

    Customer: “Well, I’d like to tell it to an engineer.”

    Me: “No problem, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. I want to speak directly to the engineer.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m an engineer.”

    Customer: “You are?!”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “But… you’re a girl!”

    Me:  *in a Valley Girl voice* “‘Ohmygosh, I know! Isn’t that amazing?”

    Building Up Abuse About The Building

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Top

    (I work as maintenance coordinator for a property management company. I get a call from a nearly 30-year-old tenant’s mother.)

    Me: “Hello, This is [My Name]. How can I help—”

    Mother: “You listen here. I am going to sue the living s*** out of you and you negligent company unless you fix the issues in my son’s apartment!”

    Me: “I’ll do everything I can. What is the—”

    Mother: “Well, YOU have already been doing ALL that YOU can. Maybe I need to talk to someone else, cause all you can do is f*** all!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m more than happy to assist you in any way I can but I will stop this conversation if you continue to be abusive. What is the add—”

    Mother: “I’M BEING ABUSIVE?! You take my money EVERY MONTH so my son can live in that s***-hole! Breathing in mold, dealing with rats and roaches! WHAT ABOUT THE GOD-D*** HOLE IN THE CEILING?! Don’t you think that’s abusive!?”

    Me: “Ma’am, I have no knowledge of any unit having any of these problems but for me to help I need the address—”


    (At this point I lose my patience.)

    Me: “Ma’am, did you sign the lease for your son or were you present for the signing of the lease?”

    Mother: “No, I did not, but what the h*** does that have to do with anything?”

    Me: “It MEANS I legally do not have to talk you. NO ONE here has to, and if you continue to be this abrasive on the phone, I will advise the property manager to evict your adult son from his unit. I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT! Now, PLEASE, if you want me to help I need the ADDRESS!”

    Mother: “Fine, it’s [address].”

    Me: “Ma’am, we don’t even manage that building. It’s managed by [Other Management Company].”

    Mother: “Well, then, how do I get ahold of them?”

    Me: “Let me Google that for you. ” *hangs up phone*

    Please Keep Both Hands On The Wheel(chair)

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Health & Body, Top, Transportation

    (I’ve been in a wheelchair for several years and am still pretty independent. Unfortunately there are times the chair can be a real pain. I broke down on the interstate on my daily commute and do not have a cell phone. As a result I am wheeling myself down the I-35 shoulder headed to the closest gas station when a DPS unit pulls up behind me. I was very tired since the shoulder of an interstate is not the easiest surface for me to go long distances. When I see the cop something just reminds me of a routine traffic stop, which I find hilarious.)

    Me: “Don’t bother asking for my license or proof of insurance for my chair, as I have neither.”

    (The cop looked confused for a second, and then burst out laughing.)

    Driving Thru Justice

    , | Springfield, MO, USA | Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

    (I work at a fairly popular fast-food restaurant. Our location is right next to three different college campuses, so our main customers are a lot of students and teachers in-between classes. This, of course, means our fast service is super-essential, especially in the middle of a rush-hour lunch period.)

    Me: “Thank you for choosing [Fast Food]! How does a [Burger] sound today?”

    Customer: “What sounds good is a moment to order. Just wait a second.”

    Me: “Okie-dokie, just holla as soon as you’re ready to—”

    Customer: “Will you shut the f*** up and let me f****** decide?!”

    Me:  *shocked* “Um, okay. I—”

    Customer: “Um, um, um! BE QUIET. I AM TRYING TO ORDER!”

    (I stay quiet for four minutes, until she speaks again.)

    Customer: “Are you even f****** there?”

    Me: “Yeppers, and I’m ready to take your order whenever you are.”

    Customer: “Don’t you f****** take that tone with me! I’ll have a large number six with a [Soda], no ice.”

    Me: “Excellent, I’ve got a—”

    Customer: “What’s my total?”

    Me: “I’ll ring it up.”

    (The customer drives up before I am done punching it in, and parks at the first window. There is no one there, since that employee is on her break, and all of the service is left to me. Eventually, the customer seems to get the message, and I wave her up to the final window.)

    Customer: “Why isn’t there anyone f****** there to take my money?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. He’s on break. It’s just me right now.” *I hand her her drink* “Your total came to $6.55.”

    Customer: “WHAT? That’s too much. I don’t have that!” *waves her credit card*

    Me: “I’m sorry. I was trying to tell you the total at the speaker—”

    Customer: “This [Soda] tastes like s***. I want a free one.”

    Me: “I’ll just pour you another one—”

    Customer: “I want to talk to your manager.”

    (I get my manager, who had heard the better part of our exchange over the headsets.)

    Manager: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I swear I never do this, but I have been waiting forever to get my food, your worker is a f****** b**** and totally incompetent, and this isn’t the drink I ordered. And if I don’t get a free [Competitor’s Burger] and some pies or something, then I swear I’m never coming back and I will tell my kids and all of my grandkids and everyone I know to never come back to this restaurant ever again!”

    Manager: “That’s really too bad. If you want a free [Competitor’s Burger], you’ll have to get your a** down three blocks and b**** at the [Competitor]‘s people instead. And you’ll have to, now that I’m officially banning you. Get the f*** out of my drive-thru.”

    (At this, my manager slammed the window shut and told me to go ahead and eat the meal that the rude customer had left behind.)

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