(It’s 7 AM Christmas Eve, and our shop has only just opened. I am one of two checkout staff. There are three customers in shop, one of whom is acting edgy and therefore attracts my attention.)

Me: *to my supervisor* “I think that guy put something in his pocket.”

(My supervisor keeps an eye on man and sees him pocket a packet of sausages, so she calls security calls security. Half a dozen tall, bulky guys storm over to the checkouts. However, as it is Christmas Eve, they are all dressed up. Supervisor B, who is dressed up as an ice queen, complete with cape and crown, prevents the customer from leaving.)

Supervisor: “Excuse me, sir, are you sure you’ve paid for everything?”

Customer: “Um…”

(He looks up in fear at my supervisor, who is flanked by an angel, a snowman, a Christmas pudding, a Santa, and a guy in a tutu and fairy wings.)

Customer: “Oh, um, yeah, here’s some other stuff.” *empties pockets* “Sorry, excuse me.”

(He tries to side step to walk around us, but stumbles into a 6-foot snowman complete with top hat.)

Customer: “Excuse me…excuse me…excuse me!” *scurries out the door*

Manager: *laughing* “You’re gonna love this. There was a complaint against you.”

Me: “Oh, okay?”

Manager: “Apparently you…um, package bread sticks suggestively.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Manager: “Yeah. This is what the actual complaint says: ‘She slid the bread stick into the paper bag while looking at my husband and smiling. I just know she was trying to flirt with him! We couldn’t even eat it, thanks to that hussy!’”

(My manager and I crack up laughing. I’m a lesbian.)

(I work in a 100% non-smoking hotel. A lady and her son check in. Ten minutes later, she storms down, son in tow.)

Lady: “You said we had a non-smoking room! My room smells like smoke.”

Me: “I assure you, ma’am, that we are a 100% non-smoking hotel. However, it is possible that someone illegally smoked in your room. I would be happy to change you to a different room if you prefer.”

Lady: “No! We are already unpacked, and it is too much hassle. But my son has lung cancer and he gets very sick if he is anywhere near smoke. You need to discount our room.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m not going to discount your room for you. As I mentioned before, I would be happy to help you change rooms into something more satisfactory. We don’t want your son to get sick from the room smell.”

Lady: *shouting* “I want a free room! You’re going to kill my son!”

(At this point, my manager comes out and reiterates that we would be happy to move their room, but would not be discounting their stay. The lady leaves in a huff. The next day, I see her outside smoking; her son is sitting forlornly 3 feet away.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like a refund on [membership]. I never used it.”

Me: “No problem! Actually, I’m looking at your account here and it looks like you tried to buy it, but at the time, your credit card failed and so you never actually purchased it.”

Customer: “But I don’t have it.”

Me: “I know. It looks like you never bought it in the first place. I’m sorry about that.”

Customer: “But I don’t have it and I was never able to use it. So you’re not going to refund me?”

Me: “I can’t–”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me!”

Me: “I can’t refund you because you didn’t buy anything.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Just put the money back on my card!”

Me: “I can’t put money back on your card because we never took any off.”

Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me! This is terrible customer service.”

Me: “Sir, you never bought anything. How can I give you back money we never took from you? Where would the money come from?”

Customer: “Just give it to me! Why is this so hard?”

Me: “Okay, can you look at your credit card and tell me the exact date that we charged you? If it turns out that your records are more correct than mine, I’m happy to refund you.”

Customer: “No! I’m not going to do that! Why should I check my credit card statement!?”

Me: “According to our records, you never bought anything. I can’t give you back money that you didn’t spend. If our records are wrong, I can refund you.”

Customer: “I’m not going to check anything! This is the worst customer service experience I have ever had! I can’t believe you’re giving me such a hard time over such a small amount of money!”

Me: “Actually, I’m giving you such a hard time over no money because you never bought anything.”

Customer: “Let me speak to your manager!”

Related:
Something For Nothing Or Nothing For Something

(I have moderate competency in Mandarin Chinese, but it is not apparent because I’m not Asian.)

Me: “Hello! Can I help you find anything today?”

Customer #1: “No, we’re just looking.”

Customer #2: “Just looking.”

Me: “All right, just let me know if you need any help.”

Customer #1: *in Mandarin* “I told her to go away. She doesn’t listen!”

Customer #2: *in Mandarin* “She’s a dumb girl. Just ignore her.”

Me: *in Mandarin* “Hey look, the dumb girl speaks Mandarin.”

(Oftentimes, customers want free advice on the phone on what to do in order to save on getting an estimate or a inspection.)

Caller: “I need advice on something. Let’s say I have a big wall dividing the kitchen and the dinning room, but I want to open it up so I have a big room. Can I do that?”

Me: “Well, probably, but there might be complications. For example, if you have a load bearing wall, we’d need to set it up so that the load is distributed differently. Not to mention, there are pipes and wires you need to worry about. Really, we’d need to send someone out to look it over, sir. It’s not really something we can tell you over the phone without seeing it first.”

Caller: “No, no. I got what I needed.”

Me: “Uh, okay.”

(He then hangs up. One week later, he calls back.)

Caller: “I’m going to sue you. I’m going to sue the living heck out of your business. You ruined my life.”

Me: “What? What’s going on? Who is this?”

Caller: “I called for advice. You said I could remove my wall in between my kitchen and dinning room. Well, I did. I cut it out with my chainsaw and everything was fine until my ceiling caved in. And you know what’s above my kitchen? The upstairs bath room. The bathtub fell through and I had to turn off the water because it damaged my pipes. Now, who’s gonna pay for that?”

(A customer is calling because iTunes can’t detect her new iPad. I pick up the phone and she speaks immediately.)

Customer: “I swear that if, at any point in this conversation, you tell me to buy a Mac, I will find you and kill you.”

Me: “Okay, well, I’m not telling you to buy a Mac, but you should know that they cut back on compatibility issues and-”

Customer: “Don’t do it. Just stop now. Make the PC work. I believe in you.”

(An American customer approaches me as I work at the customer service counter.)

Customer: “I’d like to make a complaint!”

Me: “Sure, sir. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Why are all the road signs in f***ing Spanish? Aren’t you all supposed to be speaking English? If you’re going to live here, speak English!”

Me: “We are in Spain, sir. Spanish is our official language.”