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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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  • April Themed Story Giveaway: Creepy Customers!
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    Makes You Lose CTRL

    | USA | Technology, Themed Giveaway

    (My caller is having an issue with our website that I can’t replicate.)

    Me:“Do you know how to create a screen shot and e-mail it to me? If not, I can walk you through it.”

    Caller: “I have Windows 8. I could make a screen shot on my old computer, but you can’t make one on Windows 8.”

    (As I use Windows 8 myself, I know this isn’t true.)

    Me: “Let’s try and see if we can get it. Do you see the button on your keyboard that says ‘print scr’—”

    Caller: “Honey, I worked as a tech for 10 years. If you want me to hit the Print Screen button, just say so. There!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, I just wanted to make sure you knew where it was, but it sounds like you do. It’s actually alt and the print screen button.”

    Caller: “Fine, now what?”

    (I assume that she really does know a little about computers, considering the offense she took at my previous instructions. Not wanting to upset her, I decide to continue a bit faster.)

    Me: “Okay, now you can paste that into an e-mail for me. Just let me know when you’re ready for my e-mail address.”

    Caller: “I’m ready.”

    (I give her my e-mail address, spelling it out.)

    Me: “I’ll have a look at that screen shot as soon as I get your e-mail, and—”

    Caller: “Well, it won’t do much good for you to get a blank e-mail, will it?”

    Me: “…I’m sorry?”

    Caller: “You didn’t tell me what to do with the screen shot!”

    Me: “Oh, you can just paste it into the e-mail.”

    (I’m about to ask if she knows how to do that ‘on Windows 8′.)

    Caller: “Well, I’m hitting CTRL+P, and it’s not working!”

    Me: “Try CTRL+V instea—”

    Caller: “Never mind! It’s right click, then paste on my computer. I sent it. Let me know when it’s fixed.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I will.”

    (I never did get that e-mail, and had to call her back the next day to repeat the whole process again.)

    A Punchy Solution

    | Ireland | Technology, Themed Giveaway

    Me: “Hello, technical support, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hi! I just received my new computer, and the button on the CD tray doesn’t work properly.”

    Me: “Okay, what exactly is the problem?”

    Customer: “I press the button, and the tray opens. I put the CD in, but when I press the button to close the tray, nothing happens.”

    Me: “Okay, so the tray is open now?”

    Customer: “No, it’s closed now.”

    Me: “How did you close it?”

    Customer: “Oh, I just gave it a punch!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Start Thinking To A Different Tune

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Musical Mayhem, Technology, Themed Giveaway

    (I’m showing a customer our selection of mp3 players. He is looking for two things: small and cheap. I show him an mp3 player that costs only $9.99 and is about two inches long.)

    Customer: “I don’t know about this one; it might not be right for me.”

    Me: “Is it because it’s only two gigabytes? I know that kind of capacity is a little on the smaller side, but it can still hold more than enough songs to get you through the day.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not that. It’s just that there is no screen. I can’t see if a song that I don’t like is going to come up or not.”

    Me: “Well, if this mp3 player is for your own personal use, then chances are you’re only going to put on songs that you like, right? So, I don’t think the lack of a screen will be a big deal.”

    Customer: “Wow… that is very true, actually. You just totally blew my mind, dude. Whoa, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that!”

    Darn-Fangled Dangle

    | Adelaide, SA, Australia | Funny Names, Technology, Themed Giveaway

    Me: “Welcome to [name of ISP] support. This is [my name]; how can I help?”

    Customer: “I have a new dangler!”

    Me: *stifling a laugh* “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear you. Could you repeat that?”

    Customer: “I. HAVE. A. DANGLER!”

    Me: “I see, and what help might I offer you today?”

    Customer: “My dangler isn’t working! Fix my dangler!”

    (I realize she is talking about a mobile broadband ‘dongle’. I run through some basic troubleshooting, and fix the problem.)

    Customer: “Thank you for your help! I do hate danglers, they never work the way you want them to!”

    The Number One Problem With Laptops

    | MA, USA | Technology, Themed Giveaway

    (A customer drops off a laptop for repair. I set up the unit and test for common software and settings issues with no results. I turn the computer over, remove the bottom panel and immediately notice liquid and dried residue around the battery and main-board. A few seconds later a very strong smell of urine hits in waves and fills the tech. I call the customer to inform her of the findings.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am. I’ve taken a look at your computer, and we have found liquid inside the computer.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know.”

    Me: “Umm… the liquid appears to be biological in origin. Urine.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know.”

    Me: “…unfortunately, we are prohibited from working on computers that have a biological hazard in them. So I will have your computer available for pickup this afternoon.”

    Customer: “So, when will it be fixed?”

    Me: “I do apologize for the inconvenience, but we are unable to work on computers with this type of issue due to health regulations.”

    Customer: “This is why I didn’t tell you guys that it got p***** on! F*** you! I’m going to talk to your manager and get you fired!”

    (Two days later, my manager informed me that the customer had yelled at him when she picked up the computer. She then called home office to try to get us in trouble for discriminating against her when he wouldn’t order me to fix the computer.)


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