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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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  • April Themed Story Giveaway: Creepy Customers!
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    Category: Themed Giveaway

    Should Have Stayed Clear Of The Bottle

    | UK | At The Checkout, Criminal/Illegal, Themed Giveaway, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in a little cafe near my friend’s dojo. She often comes by after practice. A shifty looking man enters, approaches the counter, and pulls a knife.)

    Robber: “Empty the f****** till.”

    (I start to do so. I see my friend approaching through the window. It’s a cold day, so she’s wearing a hoody with her judo jacket over the top. I try and get her attention.)

    Robber: “Hurry the f*** up!”

    (I drop some money under the counter in my fear. I bend down to pick it up. The man rests his knife hand on the counter, and leans over to make sure I’m not phoning the police.)

    My Friend: “Everything okay?”

    Me: “Yeah… just… getting this man his change.”

    (My voice is shaking. She can tell something is up. She crosses to the fridge cabinet.)

    My Friend: “Oh, you’ve still got [brand drink]. It comes in a glass bottle! Just what I need after practice!”

    (She comes up behind the man and, without warning, slams the bottle down on the hand holding the knife. She slams hard enough to shatter the bottle. He screams, dropping the knife. He grabs for it with his other hand, but she wraps one arm around his throat and puts the broken bottle to the underside of his chin.)

    My Friend: “Don’t even think about it.”

    (I call the police, and the robber is arrested. My friend is warned about using excessive force, and given a lifetime supply of free drinks by my manager.)

    Hey Mr DJ, Put My Record On

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Musical Mayhem, Themed Giveaway, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work at a DJ in a club. Although I do take requests, I play them where they will fit into the set so that it isn’t weird and everything flows together. On this particular night, it is kind of slow. I start a new set with some slower rap songs; there is a dance floor with 20 to 30 people on it.)

    Me: “Hey, what can I do for you?”

    Customer #1: “Can I hear You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC? Everyone loves that song, and everyone is going to dance. They will love it!”

    (The music currently playing is ‘Swimming Pools’ by Kendrick Lamar. It is 68 beats per minute, and hard rap. The song the customer is requesting is in the 130 bpm range.)

    Me: “Sure, I will play it as soon as I can.”

    Customer #1: “Can you play it next?”

    Me: “Probably not, but I try to get it in as soon as I can.”

    (She walks away. Approximately two songs go by; the customer returns.)

    Customer #1: “Well, are you going to play my song? Do you even REMEMBER WHAT SONG I TOLD YOU?!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, AC/DC’s You Shook Me. I have to think of the dance floor right now, but I will play it as soon as I can fit it in with other music.”

    Customer #1: *cheerfully* “THANKS!”

    (It should also be noted that I have her song, and the other songs that I am going to play with it, in the song-queue and ready to be played soon. I’m at around 120 bpms, but the dance floor is now around 40-50 people. I get rated by the owners of the Bar/Club by how well I am at getting—and keeping—a dance floor. I get either a nightly bonus or a raise based on the dance floor.)

    Customer #1: *startling me* “ARE YOU F****** STUPID! I SAID I WANT THE GOD D*** SONG PLAYED NOW, YOU C***!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m getting to it. It’s going to be played in the next five minutes. When I feel that I can reasonably put it in and keep the dance floor, I will play it. I will even buy you a drink for your wait. Okay?”

    Customer #1: “No! You’re going to play it now! I am a paying customer! I am f****** rich, so I don’t need your handouts!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.”

    Customer #1: “F*** you, and this place! You were never going to play it! And stop grinning like you’re so great! I make more money than God, and I could buy this place and fire your piece-of-s*** a**! How f****** hard is your job? PLAY MY DAMN SONG NOW, YOU SON OF A B****!”

    Me: “Firstly, I’m sorry you feel this way, and won’t wait patiently like everyone else. Secondly, God doesn’t make money, so therefore a child finding a penny on the street makes more money than God. Thirdly, my job is keeping a dance floor, it’s how I get paid, raises and bonuses. Fourthly, I was going to play your song, but now I’m not so sure.”

    (Suddenly, Customer #1 tries to punch me, and then smashes her glass and another customers drink on the floor and storms out. Then I see another customer, Customer #2, come walking inside followed by the very irate Customer #1. Customer #1 is visibly yelling, being held back by security as they try to haul her outside. I turn down the music. I do this, because everyone on the dance floor is watching her and no longer dancing. I turn it down so I and everyone else can hear the screaming better.)

    Customer #1: *to Customer #2* “How f****** dare you call me white trash! I’m so much better than you! I own the mall down the street! I work for the state finding people like you places in [trailer park] because you’re f****** poor!”

    Customer #2: *laughing hysterically* “No, you work down at the mall. You own the 5th trailer in [trailer park], on [street address], and your name is [customer #1's name].”

    Customer #1: “I’LL F****** KILL YOU!”

    (Customer #1 pulls out a small blade. The security guard throws her to the ground. They take the knife away, and hold her there until the cops come. As they are arresting her, I stop all music to dead silence, and speak over the microphone.)

    Me: “To the woman getting arrested, here is your requested parting gift!”

    (I crank the chorus of ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ by AC/DC all the way up as she’s being hauled off. I can see her trying to break free and get to me while she mouths ‘YOU SON OF A B****!’. Everyone starts cheering.)

    Bigots Begone Themed Giveaway Roundup

    | Not Always Right | Bigotry, Roundups, Themed Giveaway

    Bigots Begone Themed Giveaway Roundup! Here’s a final roundup of stories from last month’s themed giveaway!

    1. Addressed The Race Issue (3,863 thumbs up)
    2. He’s Got Bigot Written All Over Him (1,268 thumbs up)
    3. No ID, No Idea, Part 11 (1,416 thumbs up)
    4. A Wee Bit Foreign (2,172 thumbs up)
    5. Gender Unawareness Issues (1,345 thumbs up)

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

    It Only Goes Downhill From Here, Part 2

    | CA, USA | Musical Mayhem, Themed Giveaway, Wild & Unruly

    (The venue I am working is on top of a big hill. It has a driveway that leads to a small parking lot which is being used for the choir that is performing. An elderly customer and her daughter pull up.)

    Elderly Customer: “Hi, we’re here for the event.”

    Me: “Great, are you with the choir or a guest?”

    Daughter: “We’re guests, so can we just go up now?”

    Me: “Oh, the parking lot up there is being used for the choir that’s performing tonight. You’ll have to park down here. But if you don’t want to walk, there is a golf cart that can take you up there. He just went up, but he will be back down momentarily.”

    Elderly Customer: “BUT WE CAME TO SEE THE PERFORMANCE! WHY CAN’T WE PARK UP THERE IN THE PARKING LOT? I KNOW IT’S THERE! I’VE BEEN HERE BEFORE! YOU CAN’T TELL ME IT’S NOT THERE! IM OLD, AND CAN’T WALK UP THIS HILL!”

    Me: “Miss, the parking lot up there is being used for the choir that you will be seeing tonight. They all had to drive here so we let them use the parking lot. If you park down here on the road, the golf cart will take you right up to the event. If you were to park in that parking lot, you would have to walk up stairs. The cart will drop you off right at the event and you won’t have to walk up those stairs.”

    Daughter: “WHAT THE F*** DO YOU WANT? WE CAN PARK OUR OWN D*** SELVES!”

    (They drive up to the parking lot. I think I am done with them, and hoping they will get towed. After about five minutes, they come speeding back down the drive way, almost hitting a man and his wife who decided to walk up. They stop to yell at me, and the daughter throws a full, sealed, 32 oz. drink bottle at me. It hits me in the face, causing my nose to bleed. They speed off, never to be seen again.)

    Related:
    It Only Goes Downhill From Here

    Left A Stool In The Stall

    | Woodbridge, VA, USA | Health & Body, Themed Giveaway, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in the changing room of a popular teen clothing-store.)

    Customer: “Where is your bathroom?”

    Me: “Oh, our bathroom is in the back. We can’t let you go back there. If you go out the store, and turn left, there is a restroom over by [sub shop].”

    Customer: “Can’t I just use it this once? Please?”

    Me: “No, I’m very sorry. But that restroom near [sub place] is really only a three-minute-walk from here.”

    Customer: “Why can’t I just use yours! I really need to go!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. We have merchandise back there; I can’t let you use it.”

    Customer: “B****!”

    (She storms out of the store. I go on break for half an hour. When I come back, there is a horrific smell coming from the changing rooms. I go back there, and I see the customer standing outside one of our back stalls.)

    Customer: “Serves you right!”

    (She runs out of the store as I turn to look into the stall. She’d grabbed a bunch of clothes, thrown them on the floor, and urinated and defecated on them.)

    Me: “I’m not cleaning that up.”

    Coworker: “Teen girls be crazy!”


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