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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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  • April Themed Story Giveaway: Creepy Customers!
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    Category: Themed Giveaway

    The Fully-Insured Walking Dead

    | Draper, UT, USA | Geeks Rule, Technology, Themed Giveaway

    (My company sells music gear. We have a coverage plan that we are required to pitch to each customer on every item that qualifies. We are encouraged to get creative with our coverage pitches. I am talking to a woman about a keyboard.)

    Me: “So, we offer this extended plan which covers any kind of accidental damage, wear and tear, and shipping costs. The only things we don’t cover are theft, intentional abuse, and acts of God. So, set on fire, struck by lightning, floods, tornadoes, zombie attacks—”

    Customer: “What? You don’t cover zombies?!”

    Me: “We will cover if the zombie accidentally knocks your keyboard over, or if it bleeds all over it. But if you intentionally hit the zombie with your keyboard, you’re on your own. And if that’s your zombie-killing weapon, may God be with you.”

    Customer: “Do you watch The Walking Dead, by any chance?”

    Me: “Yes, I do! Although, I am actually terrified of zombies. The main reason I watch the show is because I am a huge Norman Reedus fan.”

    Customer:” Me, too! He’s my favorite character!”

    (What follows is a ten minute conversation about the show itself, how awesome Daryl Dixon is, and the pros and cons of various zombie weapons. The customer makes my day. She bought coverage, too!)

    Saving Souls And Money

    | Buena Park, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Geeks Rule, Themed Giveaway, Top

    ( One late night, a customer comes up dressed in very stereotypical goth attire and makeup.)

    Me: “Okay, sir! Your total comes to [total].”

    Customer: “Look me in the eyes.”

    Me: “Um… okay?”

    (I look the customer directly in the eyes. He starts speaking in a steady voice.)

    Customer: “You will give me a discount.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t just give you a discount.”

    Customer: “Yes, you will. I am a vampire lord, and you are under my mental control.”

    Me: *in the same type of steady voice* “You are a vampire lord, and I am under your mental control.”

    Customer: “Very good. Now give me a discount or I will consume your soul.”

    Me: “But master, as you can clearly see, I am a ginger, and it is common knowledge that gingers have no souls.”

    (The customer stares into my eyes silently for a few seconds, and then breaks eye contact.)

    Customer: “D***, you’re right. It was worth a try.”

    (The customer pays and leaves.)

    Supervisor: “Um…”

    Me: “Yeah?”

    Supervisor: “You’re blond.”

    Me: “Really? THAT’S what you picked up on?”

    The Song Broke Loose And Then Vamoose And Now You Know The Plot

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Musical Mayhem, Themed Giveaway, Top

    (I am working in the largest gift shop in the theme park. I am walking around straightening and folding the when I hear a middle-aged guests whistling. After a few moments, I recognize it as the theme tune to ‘The Animaniacs’.)

    Me: *singing* “Pinky and the Brain, they want rule the universe…”

    Guest: “…Slappy slaps them with her purse…”

    Me: “…Buttons chases Mindy while Rita sings a verse!”

    Together: “Why write a script? We have no script! Why bother to rehearse? We are the Animaniacs! We have pay-for-play contracts! We are zany to the max, there’s baloney in our slacks! We’re Animany, totally insany—”

    Guest: *Wakko voice* “Where’s Lon Chaney?”

    Together: “Animaniacs! Those are the facts!”

    Guest: *high-fives me* “It was nice jammin’ with you, Dot.”

    (I beamed for the rest of the night.)

    Time And Relative Dimensions In Cyberspace

    | London, England, UK | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Technology, Themed Giveaway

    (Part of my job involves managing the helpdesk for an online research panel. Because the panel is made of just two daily surveys, panelists receive a survey reminder every morning. I take a call from a panelist.)

    Panelist: “You’re sending me too many emails! I’m getting two every morning!”

    Me: “Alright, it sounds like you may have registered with us twice. Could I take your email address?”

    (I look the panelist up by his email, and find that he has indeed registered again. This isn’t normally possible, because the system checks against name, email and address. I do notice one thing, though…)

    Me: “Alright, looking at our system, I can see two accounts to your name. The reason you were able to register again is because your address doesn’t quite match between both accounts.”

    Panelist: “Well how’s that possible? I haven’t moved anywhere!”

    Me: “Well, on one account you put your address down as THE TARDIS.”

    Look Into Your Heart You Know It To Be True

    | Lexington, KY, USA | At The Checkout, Love/Romance, Movies & TV, Themed Giveaway, Top

    (I’m checking out my items at the front of a store, when a couple bursts in. The girlfriend is clearly upset at her boyfriend.)

    Girlfriend: “You really expect me to be all right with you hanging out with your friends on our one-year anniversary?!”

    Boyfriend: “It’s been a tradition of my friends to do this for over six years! I can take you out any weekend, but [name of his friend] only gets his brother’s VHS copy of the original Star Wars movies once a year, and so we have a marathon! Come on! It has all the original scenes and characters before Lucas screwed it up!”

    Girlfriend: “You all are such nerds! Who cares about the changes! If anything, it made the movies better!”

    Boyfriend: “You haven’t even seen the movies!”

    Girlfriend: “No real girl has! I haven’t, and…” *points at me* “…she hasn’t! Fine! Go ahead with your stupid marathon! I don’t care anymore! Do whatever the h*** you want!”

    (The girlfriend storms down an aisle.)

    Me: *imitating Admiral Ackbar* “It’s a trap!” *imitating C-3PO* “Let the girlfriend win.”

    (Not only did the boyfriend crack up, but the check-out guy gave me his number!)


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