(A well-dressed, middle-aged man comes up to me with a friendly smile.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I’m sorry to be a bother. Could I possibly get change from you?”

Me: “Okay, come up to the till. I’ll help you out.”

Customer: “Thank you so much.”

(He hands me three €20 note.)

Customer: “If I could get a €50 note and a €10 note out of this, it’d be really helpful.”

(I take the three €20 notes, and hand him back the change.)

Customer: “Thanks. Sorry, but could I ask one more favor? Could I just get two €1 coins for this?”

(He hands me a €2 coin. I am feeling slightly suspicious now. I turn back to the till, take out the two one-euro coins, and hand them to the man. He doesn’t move.)

Me: “Is there something else?”

Customer: “You never gave me the €50 note.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I did.”

Customer: “No, you definitely didn’t.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not giving you any more money. If you would like, you can come back during closing. If we’re €50 over the end of day report, I will be happy to rectify my mistake. However, I’m absolutely positive I did not make one.”

Customer: “Are you, really? This is ridiculous. You did not give me the money!”

Me: “I think I did.”

Customer: “You couldn’t have made a mistake? How are you so sure?”

Me: “Because the corner of the €50 note I gave you is sticking out of your sleeve.”

(Turns out he had done it to all the other shops on the street, and successfully conned two.)

(We get reports from various companies for copyright infringement. When we do, the customer gets a note on their account. We call them, letting them know they’ve been caught and request that they stop. I had called this customer a week before and they informed me that they had an unprotected wireless point that they would secure. They have another notification, so I call them back.)

Me: “Hello, this is [company name] again. We spoke last week.”

Customer: “I remember; we’ve replaced the router and added a password to our wifi as of last weekend. It should be fixed.”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we got another infringement notice yesterday.”

Customer: “How is that possible?”

Me: “I’m not sure; maybe you’re downloading something you don’t—”

Customer: “We don’t download anything here!”

Me: “I understand sir, but maybe we should check out the notice and see what is being downloaded?”

Customer: “Okay, sure. But I’m telling you, I’m not downloading anything illegal.”

Me: *pulls up the notice* “Umm… sir. It says here the content in question is rather… adult in nature.”

Customer: “What?”

(I read off the long, clearly niche pornographic title. I earn some looks from my co-workers.)

Customer: “I am a good Christian father! I would never risk my marriage or my faith for pornography, especially not that perverted stuff. I can’t believe you’d accuse me of being a freak like that!”

Me: “Sir, you said ‘father’. You wouldn’t by chance happen to have a son, would you?”

Customer: “…yes.”

Me: “He… wouldn’t by chance happen to have his own computer in his room, would he?”

Customer: “Not anymore, thank you.”

Themed Giveaway Roundup: Awesome Customers! Here’s a final roundup of stories from last month’s themed giveaway!

1. Praise Cheeses (2,461 thumbs up)
2. Holding The Line Against Bad Customers (2,809 thumbs up)
3. Give The Beneficent The Benefit Of The Doubt (2,646 thumbs up)
4. Please Keep All Cybernetics Inside The Ride At All Times (2,684 thumbs up)
5. Hopefully, That’ll Be The End Of That Customer (2,553 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Entering is as easy as 1-2-3:

1. Submit a funny or interesting story about customers doing something criminal or illegal—and, if they were caught, how they were punished.
2. Enter your email address in the form to qualify.
3. All posted stories will be entered in a drawing to win a free t-shirt gift certificate, to use in the official Not Always Right shop!

PS: Congratulations to a lucky reader for winning February Themed Story Giveaway, which featured stories about Awesome Customers. The winning submission: Fresh Bread, Stale Attitude (1,756 thumbs up).

PS #2: winners will be announced the first Wednesday of every month. Next free t-shirt gift certificate: Wednesday, April 3!

(I am fairly new at running the fitting room, which consists of answering the phone and unlocking the fitting room doors so people can try on clothes. Today has been particularly stressful as all five lines are ringing, and I have a crowd waiting to try things on. Finally, I get the phones answered and people into the rooms. One woman is waiting for her husband to try on pants.)

Wife: “Long day?”

Me: “Yeah, this is the first time I’ve been alone on the phones at a busy time.”

Wife: “You look a little pale and shaky. Are you feeling okay?”

Me: “I forgot to eat before I came in. When my coworker gets back I get to go on break, though.”

Wife: “Want me to buy you a pack of crackers or something?”

Me: *stunned* “Oh, it’s fine! Thank you so much, but I’m okay!”

(She continues to offer while I decline. Her husband makes the same offer when he comes out, having heard the conversation. I decline again as my coworker comes back. I bought myself something to eat, but I was so touched by their generosity!)